guilt

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

I hate myself for posting but only have u ladies who understand. Am still goin ahead with non mol but i feel so guilty about the whole divorce , i know i shouldn’t as he is doing everything possible to delay divorce and let it cost me loads as is his brother but still i have emmance guilt about disclosing all the abuse in my marriage, just feel like it is such private stuff , will clearly show how evil the ex is and the b in law, but again why do i feel so guilty , i feel guilty cause he was abused by his brother too, i understand it was his choice to abuse me, but i keep thinking what will his family say to him , its so shameful and bad what he did , the b in law has blantly denied wverything and just stated i am making up/lying , not going to ramnble on too much but think u ladies get drift, deep down i feel like an attention seeker , i dont know why i am having these negative thoughts, read the statment i wrote and felt sick thinking gosh is this what u did to me , yet the damm guilt is still there, maybe thats how they trained us to stay quiet so opening up feels wrong , they dont care i know, they will just ignore all and swear at me more , so why cant stop feeling guilty even though i know its all the truth

[iwillbeok]

Ah guilt – the most useless emotion ever! I too feel guilty…
Guilty for having him arrested…
Guilty for hiding things from him (realise now it was a survival instinct)…
Guilty for telling his parents we had split because he wouldn’t (not that I could tell them why)…
Guilty for all the things I couldn’t ‘learn’ to make him happy…
Guilty that I couldn’t make him happy…
Guilty that my children grew up in such a toxic environment…
Guilty that I didn’t see him for what he was earlier…

But in the end he’s the one who’s guilty – of cgoosing to be an abusive husband, of damagibg my self-esteem & trust, of trying to break me by with sexually assaulting me, of breaking my heart, of using me up and spitting me out…

Well stuff them! They are the guilty ones so I am shoving off this guilt and saying no more! I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be safe. And I refuse to feel guilty for demanding that for me and my children.

I hope you feel strong again C123. I hope you can throw away the guilt.

Hugs x

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Thxs for reply, yes i’m hoping im towards the end of my recovery journey soon as divorce complete, but who knows i find i seem to have delayed reactions about somethings, i hope i can get through this patch too, isn’t it amazing how they feel no guilt , maybe i feel embrassment about how this was done to me, just workign through the emotions

[iwillbeok]

Hi hon. Sorry if I came across a bit ranty and agro. I am facing my 1st counselling session and am feeling a bit nervous. I’ve been doing okay and while I know I need to face what he did to me I really don’t want to open the can of worms again. But better now while I’m prepared for it, than when I least expect it!

There are so many emotions to work through – anger and yes I too feel embarrasment. How could I, an intelligent woman fall for his s**t for so long? We were married a looong time before his mask slipped. I’m hoping counselling will help to deal with all this.

I’m sure he feels no guilt and feels ‘vindicated’ in some twisted way that I turned out just like all the other people who’ve hurt him or p****d him off in some way…

Wishing you a good day x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

No u did not come across as ranty or agro. Its good yyou are taking up counselling, i found it helped me loads and im sure u will find the same, always best to go with a domestic violence specalist one, and try think of it as closing the chapter once u have explored what happend, have a good day and good luck with cousnelling

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

He doesn’t deserve you to feel guilty, plus that is what these abusers rely on and hope for: that we will feel too guilty or disempowered to take things the whole way.

When we first get out. We are all fired up and ecstatic to get out. We speak out, we file for divorce…

Time goes on, and their not so subtle or subtle games continue: they try different ways to try to disempower or disable us, make us feel scared or guilty, deny us Maintenance so we feel tired and exhausted and perhaps feel too tired to fight for our rights. The initial euphoria of getting out can be replaced with self-doubt and we wonder whether we did the right thing in outing them, wonder if we did things wrong too, and wonder if we imagined half of what went on.

We need to carry on until the finishing line. The abuse was real. His lack of conscience at the time and his lack of conscience now is real. His ‘poor me’ games and his attempts to get relatives to make you question yourself is all lies and manipulation.

The bare truth is that he was and still is a manipulative liar and abuser. He chose to behave as he did. If he had issues, he could have got help. He chose to hurt his family and to continue to do so in different ways.

The very least he deserves is to be taught a lesson, that he owes you for all he put you through and that his family consist of real people who deserve at the very least to be housed and financially ok. He denied you all the rest.

Don’t feel guilty. Feel determined to make a good future for you and your boys x

[Author]

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