Guilt

[Scalesfell]

I know it’s impossible to staye. I know it’s likeasy ripping off a plaster and I just need to do it. But where has all this guilt come from. I feel like it’s going to engulf me. Tried and tried the help line but constantly busy.
Making decisions today that will effect the rest of mine and my children’s life.
If I don’t act today I will miss an opportunity. ..but hes asked me to wait. I feel sick. And unsure. I was so confident it was the right decision and tried to read over events from my diary to reassure myself but it’s shocking how indecisive I feel. I dont know where it’s come from. It’s like I’m on autopilot.
Ito like I KNOW it’s the right decision…but still filled with uncertainty. Fog. Trauma bond? Someone give me a push please….

[Itwastimetostopit]

It is the trauma bond you have to him.
They make you feel so responsible for them and how they feel.

It won’t get any better if you wait. It might get worse if he feels he’s losing control.
I waited ended up with social services cos of how it ended.

Do this for yourself and your child. He’s not your responsibility

Then go no contact. It’s so hard at first but it helps clear you of this fog and bond you are feeling

Good luck

[KIP.]

You need to bypass your irrational thoughts and just do it. I eventually realised to do the opposite of everything he wanted. It really helped me stay ahead of his game x take that opportunity now. Tell yourself if you make a mistake you can reverse it. But it’s no moistake. Remember the FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. You’re stuck in the middle. Take that leap of faith. I had to do it too x

[Gemma]

Hi Scalesfell,

I felt exactly the same as you re the uncertainty, indecisiveness and yes panic.

I was isolated from my family. Had no friends as my ex wouldn’t make any. Our abnormal lifestyle became normal. It has only since leaving, and been able to read the posts on here that I learnt about the trauma bond. I am by nature quite a logical person. So I was aware that I was making illogical decisions, and that frightened me. I couldn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense. Which made me worry about my own mental health.

I did wonder if I was experiencing a form of (detail removed by moderator). You know where a captive forms a strong attachment to their captor. Because that is what he was. He wouldn’t let me have any unmonitored contact with my family. Whether it was in the phone or online. He wouldn’t take me to visit them or allow me to go on my own. For years I never saw my eldest son, my father or my sister.

He wouldn’t allow me my own phone, I had to use his. He would not allow me to have money of my own, or to carry any. I had to go to bed when he did. Sometimes he would stay up all night. He fostered absolute dependence. So in the end I did not believe I could function without him anymore.

I honestly believed all this was unique to us. And though the exact circumstances for each of us are different, there is so many similar or exact patterns of behaviour that are the same, it’s a profile of s coercive abuser. So as others have said, and you yourself have said, given your circumstances, you know your indecision is illogical. Your reacting from a place of fear and years of conditioning. My advice would be to ignore your ’emotions’. And to base your decision making in facts and common sense.

Yes it’s scary. But trust me, you will feel more guilt later on for not making the right long term choices for you and your children, then any guilt you might feel for leaving your partner to fend for himself. I know. I left it for years and am now trying to rebuild my relationships with the family I abandoned for him. Years I will never get back. I can tell myself I was caught up in the trauma bond. But no matter how much I come to see that my actions were in part brain chemistry, co dependence and coercion. The guilt of what I put my family through will never leave me. Don’t the mistake I made, by staying long after I should have found a way to leave. Once you leave the blinkers will fall and you will see the situation for what it is and with clarity. Be strong. You can do it.

Love and best wishes
Gemma

[Author]

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