Guilt and dread.

[SyberFox]

when i left my abuser i took the children. he couldn’t do anything because he already had a domestic abuse charge against him from a different girl, and the police thought he often insulted and acted against the police. in prior years he had been caught selling and using drugs. everything was stacked against him. one thing he used to try to keep us in the hell he had created was telling me he would commit suicide if i left, or if i took our kids. i left anyways, but i let him see the girls for a few hours a week and he had to have someone else there that i trusted with him.everything was going fine until he started standing outside the place i had moved. first it was a few minutes, then a few hours, then it turned into all night, every night. he started threatening men i would hang out with. eventually he posted threatening messages on a social media site. i finally had proof enough to go to the police and something would be done BEFORE he could hurt anyone. i reported the years of abuse and they arrested him before they even let me leave the station. he was let out on bail in a few days and i was absolutely scared out of my mind. but after a week of being out, he hadn’t even tried to approach me or the kids. about five minutes after i had gotten out of work one day i received a phone call from his mother. she told me he had ended his life that morning. i couldn’t tell if she blamed me but i sure a hell did. the police pulled me over on my way home to confirm what had happened. a few days later i convinced his mother to show me the note he left, he said he still loved me but i was the reason he was dead. i hadn’t thought about it much since his funeral, but the anniversary just passed a few days ago and all those feelings of guilt wash over me again.

i tell myself things like “i could have dealt with more beatings” “i shouldn’t have told the cops anything”

i know full well i can’t control what he or others did, but for some reason i can’t stop blaming myself. even though he is dead and i should feel safe and relieved, i just feel like a murderer.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Syber,
You did not kill him. You are not a murderer. He killed himself and used that act to inflict more abuse on you. That is evil.
If you had stayed with him, you would have ended up even more seriously abused (at best) or dead. This would have left your children without their mother and in the sole care of a convicted drug dealer and abuser.
He was a sick and cruel man. Try and be glad that you are away from him.
There are lots of organisations that help people who have experienced a suicide. They are experts at dealing with the complicated, but normal feelings that you have. I suggest getting some support from them too.

[KIP.]

I once read somewhere that abusers who commit suicide think they will have that ultimate last word. That control and power that you will always feel guilty for what they do. Don’t allow him to take that power and control from you. It was his choice and dealing with more beatings and staying quiet would not have helped. Abuse always gets worse and you have your children to think of too. I understand you are sad and please forgive me for saying this but my ex always threatened suicide. It’s a very common thing that they do. My nightmare continues with his stalking and it’s very often the victim who ends up dead. Don’t let him carry on his abuse now. You deserve to be happy.

[UnicornSparkleHead]

Hey Syberfox,

I worry about this a lot too. My abuser has often threatened with suicide and even taken some action to prove his point at times. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.

If it’s any help, keep reminding yourself it is not your fault. It is never your fault or responsibility when a person decides to take their own life, especially an abusive person. Like KIP said, it is an awful and final way of them to hurt you deeply. But know that HE made this decision for himself, you didn’t make it for him and it is HIS actions that led to this, not yours. As much as that may be hard to really fully believe, it is the truth.

I totally get that you feel guilty, I’d totally feel the same. He once made me believe he’d been taken into hospital and I completely freaked out and was overcome by immense guilt. That being a reality must be very hard on you, but I guess don’t try to shy away from those feelings. Don’t try to bury or bottle them, but acknowledge that they are there, they are natural and they will – in time – pass. Like any period of grief, it’ll hurt, but this is not your fault. He should never have hurt you. You had every right to leave and shut him out, and you did the right thing by doing so.

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