Guilt and grief what a combo

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi everyone, I really hope it’s ok for me to have a rant or vent and get my feelings out.i feel a bit of a burden today and journalling hasn’t quite cut it. It’s now (detail removed by Moderator) since my termination and the rollercoaster is too intense it’s immense. I have blocked my abuser on everything but forgot (detail removed by Moderator) and have had a (detail removed by Moderator) that makes me feel exactly how he set out to make me feel which is pretty useless and weak. He made it quite clear he wants kids and doesn’t appear to care where they come from so will be looking for a new (detail removed by Moderator). He has called me evil and manipulative and said (detail removed by Moderator). I feel so Incredibly rotten becuase this part is very true. It seems a world away since I spent my short pregnancy alone, being told how to behave and speak and worrying about how I would keep my baby safe.my brain seems to forget he treated me so badly and the focus is now on me being an evil person. I feel so guilty and wish I could have been stronger to go ahead but I know my reasons were very valid.
I think his awful cruel words demonstrate how little I meant to him and his sheer lack of care for anything other than the end result hurts. I feel confident he may leaves alone simply becuase he hates me so much for what I have done. He sees me as a useless human who deserves nothing good. He wishes (detail removed by Moderator) and I think how I feel today It probably will.
Hope everyone is having as good a Saturday as they can, sending hugs and lots of anti abuser dust xx

[Lisa]

Hi Confusedyetclear,

It’s absolutely okay for you to post to get your feelings out. As well as all the things anyone might feel after a termination, you’ve had your abuser piling guilt and nastiness on top. His words are unfair, unfounded, and cruel. They are a reflection of who he is, not who you are. I think you must be extremely strong to have made what sounds like such a difficult decision for very good reason.

Are you accessing any post-termination counselling to help you through this time? If you had your treatment with BPAS, you can arrange free counselling from them by calling on 03457 30 40 30. If it was through another provider, you could give them a call and ask if this is a service they can provide or refer you for. You could also speak with your GP.

Do keep posting if you need to vent and please take care,

Lisa

[Needtoclarify]

Hey love,

I am sending a massive hug your way. You are not evil or manipulative, you are the most unselfish person in the entire world for the choice you have made and what you have had to endure.

You have absolutely done the right thing and you are not evil.

Use those cruel words he has thrown your way to turn your life around and help you confirm just how much you needed to do what you did. It would have been no life and you have been so so strong beyond belief.

I cannot imagine to understand the pain you are feeling right now but the fact he has absolutely no care for your mental wellbeing even at this stage makes him pure evil.

You can and you will get past this. Keep him blocked, no more toxic in your life and move forward. You will get the life you love living and truly deserve to have my love. You will back on all this and maybe one day help other women who were once in the dark cold place you are now.

Keep posting and we’ll help you get there xx

[Confusedyetclear]

Hi there lovelies, thank you so much for the lovely replies… They have brought me comfort I appreciate it so much .. I am accessing counselling with bpas and they have been great , it’s nice to be able to get my mixed conflicting ideas out loud . Since blocking my abuser on everything he has turned up at my home but I felt strong enough to defend myself and challenge his points… I figure if a thing positive is to come from this then my baby would have deserved me to be strong and stand by the decision made. I know I made it with love despite reallllly not wanting to do it . Thank you again lovelies I really appreciate your help, it definitely gives me strength x

[Needtoclarify]

I am so glad to have brought you a little comfort at such a hard time in your life. Also so glad to hear you reached out to bpas with the great advice from Lisa.

Proud that you were able to stand up for yourself and challenge his points, he should count himself lucky he even had the opportunity to air them given his cruelty toward you. I think it’s so true that actions always speak louder than words and his actions were solely the cause of your misery. I love that you’re taking the attitude to turn it into a positive.. In a way you and your baby have saved each other.

Keep venting, getting that counselling support and getting stronger and closer moving toward the happy, peaceful future you want and truly deserve. You are a survivor xx

[Author]

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