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I am getting close to my last day in our family home, (detail removed by Moderator).
I couldn’t think of nothing worse than moving to another house to create more horrible memories, walking on egg shells in a new environment and most of all not having my Mum around the corner when I just need some head space.
I am craving this life where I can go up to bed and relax watching whatever I want without having to sit through TV programme and hear him bickering at me and missing the TV show because I am ignoring him and he’s gotten more angry.
I want to go get a shower or bath without him blaming me for cheating as if I am washing away all my sins, or saying why you doing your hair? Who is that for? Ermmmm myself.I do not want to snap at my children anymore just because he has pi$$ed me off, I want a peaceful house as do my children, we love spending time on crafts or learning together. We also take lots of time out to complete homework or school tasks but are often interrupted by something that has no purpose…. i.e… HIM interrupting me helping the kids with homework to iron a t-shirt as its saves time while he gets a shower.
I could go on about my dreams for the future but why do I feel so guilty, he is a horrible human being who has no love respect or empathy for anyone but then when he says things like, do not take my children away or saying where am I going to live I actually feel sorry for him…
I am going (detail removed by Moderator) and need to get in the right frame of mind to just not give a toss just like he doesn’t when he abuses me….
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You may be in for a long wait to not give a toss. Abusers tend to know exactly which buttons to press and it’s only once we’ve been away from them a while that it’s possible to heal and get to that stage.
I read a really useful book called Out of the FOG which really helped me to understand how my ex used FOG – Fear Obligation and Guilt to control. If it was just fear it would probably be easier. Breaking free from him was one of the hardest things I ever did. It was worth it though. A few years down the line I have found the me that got lost in that awful relationship. The Freedom Program, this forum, and educating myself about coercive control and domestic abuse were all lifesavers, and the support of Women’s Aid was invaluable just to navigate my feelings, the legal side of things, and how to keep safe.
Wishing you all the luck in the world x*x
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Leaving is a rollercoaster in itself but with a better ending. You feel guilty because you care and you’re a decent human being, all we expect is the same in return. Having space helps to see his behaviour and slowly but surely release that guilt. And on the bad days, you’ll look at your kids enjoying themselves watching tv or doing crafts and you’ll smile to yourself, realising that’s worth it xx
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He will pull out all the stops to try and make you feel guilty, or frightened, or that you live him… and you may feel guilty but don’t let those thoughts fool you into thinking that you are making a mistake. You will absolutely get to a place where you feel nothing towards him. It won’t be instant but do trust that it will come.
Be careful when you leave, I am sure you know this- because they can flip when they lose control. Don’t tell him face to face. They can turn nastier.
My ex husband was properly inside my head for years. And now a few years down the line, I feel nothing. Not hate. Not guilt. Not fear. I feel nothing. It’s great. You sound like a fantastic Mum. You will get out of this and you will go from strength to strength. That peaceful, happy, successful life in waiting for you. Go for it! X -
Thank you to each of you who replied. Everything you have said makes sense.
I have really bad days where I want to curl up in a ball and not have to face the situation but on days like today, I remember I am a strong person with a good heart who deserves the absolute world.
Positive Mental Attitude all the way today.
Take care my lovelies xx
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@Butterfly-Warrior Sometimes I read things and it hits me and I think F**k yes.
Your comment above “I am a strong person with a good heart who deserves the absolute world”
That hit me today I dont have any help to offer Im still here but I wish you all the best You got this Im sure. Look after you and Thank you, your comment hit me today thats what I wanna be able to say about myself one day maybe just maybe I will xxxx -
@nbumblebee I think sometimes I feel evil myself because I bring myself to his level and lose myself.
Then I remember the happy go lucky girl I used to be and cannot wait to feel like her again.
You got this too, who the hell gets to speak to us like this??? Nobody!!!!
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Hi, I know what you mean. I have not long left. Its very refreshing to be able to have a lie in if I need to, to be able to come and go as I please, talk to who I want, not have to cook if I don’t feel like it, not constantly having to do something. It’s nice to not have someone constantly snarling at me, speaking to me like dirt, etc.
But it’s hard, starting a new life. I sometimes think it would be easier to just go back, to all my things. And I do miss him. But he will never change. My life would go back to how it was, being constantly controlled and put down. I owe myself so much more than that. And I’m slowly improving, and making plans for my future. It will be worth it in the end. Its helpful to look at the bigger picture. I want the happy carefree, socialable, me back. I don’t want to waste any more of my years living like that.
I can totally relate to what you’re saying.
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