habits die hard

[abcxyz]

Things have been calmer…none of the dramatic outbursts for a month. Still accusing me of not loving him or caring for him but I just don’t rise to it. However. …(date removed by moderator) the youngest child was whinging in the car and generally being annoying, so husband shouted “shut the f@@@ up” at him loudly and repeatedly until he was quiet. So all the old feelings about his behaviour came flooding back and I hate him for it. (detail removed by moderator). Part of me wants to end it but the kids love him dearly and I wonder if I would do them more harm than good by moving on. Each outburst brings me closer to telling him what I really think.

[SaharaD]

Hi abcxyz

You do realise that this is not just a habit.

It’s pure abuse. of you and the children.

I think that your children deserve much better than having a father who screams and shouts and swears at them. It is child abuse.

So when your children grow up they will think it’s normal in their relationships to have screaming and shouting and swearing at them and for them to do that to someone else?

What if your children start exhibiting this at school….then you will have social services on your back.

The only solution is to leave.

Physical scars heal quickly. Psychological scars particularly from childhood can last a lifetime.

[Serenity]

Hi abcxyz,

When you say the kids love him dearly, I am reminded of the phrase I read on here, that the only thing that is stronger than your kids’ love ( of you, etc) is their fear of their abuser.

Is their love a genuine, warm, relaxed love, or is it more a fearfulness, a desperation to gain his approval?

A child’s love for an abusive parent has fear attached to it.

Away from his rages, your kids will be able to experience normality- daily life without outbursts of anger.

Trust your gut. He is abusive.

[Millionpieces]

Hi Abcxz,
I agreed with Sahara, the don’t Change, there’s no outburst for months but he will adventualy do it again. My ex stop abusing me for good (detail removed by moderator)years but then he is back to who he was.

In your situation there’s children involve you should consider how they feel when that’s happen, physical abused you can see the bruise, but with psychological abuse you can not see the damage until you realise will be too late. At least make him fully understand what can happen to your children when he shouted. I can understand It is hard to just leave when you have children and if he agree to make it work he will have to be 100% work into it
X
MP

[abcxyz]

thank you all …. I guess you have confirmed what deep down I already know. It just feels so petty … I am guilty of swearing at them in my head (when I am called for the million trillionth time by all of them at the same time) but I would NEVER ever swear out loud in such an aggressive manner. Maybe you’re right. There is fear there, and a strong desire to get approval from their dad. When I explained to them this morning, again, that that kind of language is not ok and that I am very cross with daddy for using it, one said “it’s ok, he wasn’t cross with me”, and the youngest said “he just screamed shut up at me again and again”. It makes me so sad inside. One of the kids has already been in trouble with me for using the f word a few times over the last year or so, and has real trouble controlling his anger, but I don’t want to make it all worse by ending it. He just can’t see how bad his outburst are and even said “sorry for getting cross, but they were all well behaved after that”. I was speechless. How is that any kind of justification???? A part of me is also very scared that at least here I am always with them when they are with him. If he had them by himself for a weekend or something then they wouldn’t have any way to get away from it, and no shoulder to cry on when told to “man up” / “stop crying like a girl” and other choice phrases he uses. Writing it down makes it stare me in the face 🙁

[Serenity]

My ex used to tell my son he ran like a girl, and when he was upset he also taunted him and said he was like a girl; he humiliated him in front of his friends, set him physical tasks that were too difficult, just do he could make my son feel small and useless.

And he did worse when I wasn’t there.

His empty apologies are him trying to justify his abusive parenting technique. He is trying to make out his abuse is actually good parenting. Psychopaths and bullies tend to be over-authoritarian and harsh in their parenting and force obedience by inducing fear in their children, as well as unnecessary guilt and obligation. There is no justification for causing emotional and psychological damage.

Typical abuser, he is turning it around and actually making out he is one kind of hero in the equation! As long as they. Feel like they have won and come out on top in a situation, they don’t care what casualties there are along the way.

They are horrific.

[abcxyz]

You are so right. It’s just hard to see someone in that light who you have seen so differently for all those years. Most of the time he’s not mean, but I feel so distanced from him these days after all that has been said and done, but can’t say so, if he were to ask, or he’d say that I was making a big deal of it all. I just need time I think to get myself in the right place and until then just keep my head down. Just so sad that something can go so haywire 🙁 … and just feel so contented when he isn’t here, and then when he rings at lunchtime or whatever, find I’ve got nothing to say, as I can’t chat about usual stuff as that just backs up his “you’re always wittering on” theory (which contradicts his “why don’t you talk more?” theory). Reading lots and learning lots and discovering more and more every day xx

[Author]

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