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He wants me to tell him how he is upsetting me so he can change his behaviour. Each time I try he talks over me or tells me I have misunderstood him. Yesterday I had to help one of your children but had been invited to a colleagues house for a coffee. He knew this but he rang once to say he needed help with something then he rang an hour later to ask me to call and buy something for him.
I told him this wasn’t acceptable because his call wasn’t just can you get me this each time the first question was where are you followed by how long will I be. So I tried to explain how this made me feel, that he needs to accept that because he isn’t aggressive now doesn’t mean he hasn’t been which in turn means I automatically react a certain way. I said I don’t do things I want to because when I have tried in the past and he didn’t like it he became threatening and intimidating so I stopped. I don’t know if this is making sense. So he then tried to tell me he never did those things and if he had it was so long ago I need to move past it.
I had an emotional meltdown, I was shaking and sobbing. So he hugs me and tries to soothe me. Then I realised that he was aroused, he said it had been lovely to touch me and could he touch me elsewhere? I asked him weeks ago to respect that I didn’t want sex until I felt ready. He was all sighs then when I gathered myself together and left the room. Even now an hour on it’s clear he is upset we didn’t have sex. -
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Hi Catjam,
The number of times that I have got myself tied up in knots trying to explain why I am unhappy about a particular situation (usually to do with his family) – I can’t begin to tell you. I have never tackled his abusive behaviour because I know it would follow the same pattern. I think it’s one of the very valuable things I have learnt from the women on here. There is no point. I know that I would end up a jibbering wreck and utterly lacking in any sort of power or resolve. He would take each incident in isolation and ridicule it. Remember the wonderful analogy of the brick wall (of your relationship). He has knocked the bricks out, one by one. And it’s collapsed.
They will chew us up and spit us out given even half a chance. Yuck.
X*x
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These men are masters at manipulation! Him saying its in the past and you need to move from it prove he doesn’t care about how you are feeling, if he did he want to discuss it further on more depth let you explain etc. He is dismissing how you feel and brushing it under the carpet. Do not fall for him trying to hug you or comfort you its all games, all part of the cycle of abuse all part of trauma bonding that keeps us hooked i know because Im going through it myself but getting stronger by the day. Im living in the same home but trying so hard to have minimal contact with him its so so hard as sometimes he’s all nice but u tell myself if he was so upset about me saying I want a divorce or sad about it he would have asked me by now what the problems are or how we can resolve the situation.. he hasnt he hasnt said a jot just mope around all sorry for himself, then acting all nice like nothing happened. I know its all a facade, all a act . I have to keep telling myself this. Xx
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Yeah I’ve tried to explain to him on many many different occasions but each time he would justify it say it’s because he’s passionate about us he loves me he’s acting like it’s basically my fault anyway said he would change but he never did then it was just thus awful circle I got stuck in and eventually I just stopped trying to get him to change and realised there would always be an excuse. It’s honestly like trying to draw blood from a rock pointless and extremely hurful x*x sending lots of love ❤️❤️
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Oh he wants to know what he is doing wrong but when I try to explain he says I have misunderstood what he means. That he doesn’t see how blunt he is or how he acted years ago still impacts me. When I explained it with our pet and grandchild. The pet runs from the child because it was tormented by them when they were both little. Now my grandchild wants the pet to come to them it’s starting to slowly but 9 times out of 10 it runs away. That’s when hubby says (detail removed by moderator).
It’s all words from him, like he says what he thinks I need to hear but then when my phone pings or I am on my tablet he needs to know who is messaging me and what I am looking at. Again if I complain I am told he is only trying to show an interest in my life.
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Catjam, have you you done any reading around abuse? There are some great books that everyone would recommend if not. He is winding you up in knots. Let us know what you’ve read. The Lundy Bancroft one is the most important I think.
Once you feel you “get” how they operate, you may start to realise that he’s not going to respond to you like a normal human being, I think. -
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In my experience there are two reasons why they want to know what they have done to upset you. The main reason in my relationship was so that he could deny what he’d done or to make excuses or say I misunderstood. This suited his n**********c personality because a narc must convince everyone, including themselves, that they are perfect. So it has to be you that is wrong in some way.
The second way is that once he knew what upset me, he would use it as a weapon against me in a variety of ways.
Given your OH’s arousal at your discomfort, I would say he was finding your discomfort very satisfying. That’s why my first response was so cross. Apologies for that.
At no point did my ex ever use what I was saying to try and make any genuine changes. Please be very careful about what you tell him. At best, no good will come from it at worst, he’ll use it as a tool to abuse you with.
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Thank you and no apology needed. It’s like everything for that past decades, yes it’s been that long, has been based on a lie. It was easier to let him do what he wanted then having him in a bad mood around the house. He has told me I need to start doing things I haven’t in the past because I was scared of his reaction. Like a test of the new him. I have (detail removed by moderator) days booked off soon but I haven’t told him because I want to do what I want and not be trying to entertain him. Be interesting to see how he reacts.
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I hate that thing when they ask you a question, but yell all over you and don’t let you answer. What normal person even does that?
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@Catjam your partner and your relationship with him sounds so similar to my ex an my relationship. I also felt that the decades of my entire marriage were based on a lie. My son felt the same when he suddenly realised he’d spent his entire life doing what he thought his father would approve of rather than doing and being what he really wanted.
It will be interesting to see how he responds to your two days off. He clearly won’t be expecting that as part of his self test!
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No he won’t. He actually asked if I would try (detail removed by moderator). If I call him on it he will claim he is joking. He looked at me, I clearly looked annoyed so he sighed and turned away. I found another list of things to look out for when they promise change. It’s on the (detail removed by moderator).gov website. Mine hasn’t been threatening or aggressive for a long time but some of it applies.
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