Had enough

[Bubblepopbang]

Hi this is my first time posting so please bear with me this may be a long one 😅
I’ve known for around 6 months now that my (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship is actually and has always been unhealthy/abuse. Up until then I thought it was normal and that was just how relationships were,things like all the housework and childcare being my responsibility alone and tea was expected to be cooked and on the table (not saying this part is abuse but I feel it’s relevant to build a better picture) I have always been made to feel like I can’t say no to sex, because when I do, I am punished for it the following day usually he will use it against me if I’ve asked for us to do something as a family or he will refuse to look after the children whilst I do something for myself etc. there has been multiple occasions when I’ve said no and he has continued to ask sometimes for hours until I finally give in just so I can get some sleep, again up until recently I didn’t think this was abuse as I had said yes in the end, even though he and I both knew I didn’t want to.
He’s very degrading and can say very nasty and hurtful things, then will laugh it off and tell me to get a grip. He uses my own mental health problems (like (detail removed by Moderator)) against me or to gaslight me/make me think it’s all me.
Up until now there has never been any form of physical abuse, and I have always said to myself if he ever did hit me then that would be it I’d be gone straight away (I’ve been offered refuge but not wanting to cause too much upheaval for the children, and so have been waiting for a house through social housing)
The past (detail removed by Moderator) he has started implying that he could get physical if he wanted to. Started off small with little comments like oh I could just batter you sometimes, then he will sometimes walk past me with (detail removed by Moderator) and lightly tap me with it, but sometimes it’s not that light and does actually hurt which I tell him ow that hurts and he laughs and says oh give over I didn’t even do it hard. He will touch me and grab me every chance he gets like slaps my behind or pinches it as I walk past, or if he’s driving he’ll grab my knee and squeeze it. He knows I am not a very touchy person and get very sensitive to touch due to an auto immune condition, so even little pokes or prods hurt much more than normal. I’m also being assessed for (detail removed by Moderator) so do have some sensory issues that he is aware of but doesn’t respect my wishes to not be touched.
The reason I’m posting today is because he has been getting worse with the violent threats, saying he just wants to strangle me and ‘I might do it you know’ then (detail removed by Moderator) I raised my hand as he kept touching me and I was getting really overwhelmed, he said (detail removed by Moderator).
I’m just trying to figure out if this is classed as physical abuse, and what’s the chances of him actually escalating to physical abuse? I really don’t want to go to refuge if I can avoid it and wait for housing as I have complex needs so wouldn’t be able to go to a ‘standard’ refuge, and the one I would be placed in is an hour away from all my family and friends, work and kids nursery/school etc, basically all my support system (including my mental health team) would be gone, and u worry that I would feel even more isolated and alone, and that I would fall back into his trap. Please if anyone can offer any advice or just words of support I’d really appreciate it

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. Reading your post was like reading about my ex. An awful lot of the same stuff including the threats which started smallish like I’m stronger than you, became I could hurt you if I wanted, which became I could strangle or smash you, which grew into I could murder you and bury you, which escalated to ‘playful’ hands round my throat, onto things being thrown at or near me, into physical hits. It’s not to say your partner will, but one thing that is certain is they change tactics to keep us compliant and this more often than not, means escalation of some kind.

My advice would be because this build up is gradual we find it harder to leave or don’t notice the severity increasing so keep a log. I always said I’d be gone if he ever hit me, but I then excused that first time and it took several occasions before leaving. He may never become physical because the threat alone works, but stay safe so keep your phone handy, have an exit plan in your head etc x

[Bubblepopbang]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot! And a lot of what you have said about things escalating makes me realise how much he’s already done to keep me compliant! He has also thrown things at me or near me, ‘playfully’ hit me with things etc.
And I’ve started keeping a log in my phone on a locked note so every time something happens that’s new or I think is really out of order I write the date and what happened, so that when I’m feeling weak and like I can’t go through with leaving I can look back at all the reasons why I chose to leave in the first place! I’ve tried to leave before, he threatened to come after me and take the kids and then when that didn’t work, threatened to unalive himself. It’s only recently I’ve come to realise just how much has been going on and I’ve been totally naive to it all, I can’t let my children grow up thinking this is what a normal relationship looks like, again Thankyou for sharing advice with me and I will definitely have an exit plan in mind

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