Had enough

[Benson]

I am fed up of fighting everything, everyday I turn he puts obstacles in my way, I have had enough, can’t take anymore. I have no one to turn to and no support- I can’t do it anymore- I just don’t want to be here.

[maddog]

Please hang on in there, Benson. You are absolutely not alone although it may feel like it. You are actually doing very, very well in the greater scheme of things. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Do give Samaritans a shout. Sometimes it helps to speak to someone in real life.

[Lisa]

Hi Benson,

I just want to show you some support. You are doing brilliantly, please just keep being kind to yourself. You have come so far so please just take a deep breath and get plenty of support from the helpline, your local Women’s Aid group, your GP and us here. Try to take a minute to think about how far you have come and all that you have achieved and be proud of yourself. We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Benson]

Thanks Lisa, it’s just he is always there, not leaving me alone. I am trying to put plans in place to move, but he is constantly putting obstacles in my way, making things tricky. I am shattered and have no fight left in me. I am constantly waiting for something to happen.

[Lisa]

Hello Benson,

Please just keep trying to keep contact to a minimum and if you can then update the Police. Perhaps you could get a Prohibited Steps Order in place or you could try for an injunction against him. Please continue to log his behaviour and remember that coercive control is a crime too.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Benson]

Thank you. I already have a restraining order. I don’t contact him, he just continually stalks me. I have had a note put through my door this week with threatening words. I am putting plans in place to move but can’t do anything just yet. I really wish the support services in my local area where slightly more helpful- I appreciate resources are stretched due to the high demands, but I worry soon it is going to be too late.

[KIP.]

Keep going back to the Police every time he does something. Show them the note. Ask the police to call round in a marked car if they are in the area. I know it’s exhausting. Perhaps a few days in a refuge if you can get there for some breathing space and support?

[Benson]

Thank you KIP. I have given the note to the police, although I know it’s from him, there is no evidence to show it was from him. What really scares me that in the note he threatens to kill me. I have thought about a refuge, but don’t know whether I would be accepted as I have already left a abusive relationship, been in two when I left the family home, he tracked me down to the first one! I am now renting, so don’t know whether I would meet the credentials for a refuge.

[Lisa]

Hi Benson,

Well done for involving the Police. I really think that you would meet the credentials for a refuge. A refuge is for any woman and child fleeing from domestic abuse and looking to be safe and supported. Please try the helpline, they will help to answer any questions you may have.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Benson]

I have spoken to help line and have explored the refuge option. KIP you are right I need some respite. Help line told me that I do fit the credentials. I just have a question, when/if I go to a refuge are the police informed? I am just a little worried as he has friends in the police force. Also, are Social Services informed as this can affect my job. I really appreciate all the support on here, it keeps me going.

[Benson]

I am struggling to cope, it seems everything is constantly been thrown at me. I am trying to make plans to move forwards with my life, but it is a constant battle, with obstacles continuously being put in the way. What makes it worse is that I am not being left a lone, still live in constant fear, as he watches my house with a smirk on his face. Someone has been in my house and left one of their socks! No proof but I know who it is. Next week is a very challenging week, a lot of reminders, and I know it will trigger a lot of emotions. I read the posts written by other survivors on here and they keep me going to know that I am not the only one. One day I would like to be able to offer some advice, but right now feel that my life is such a mess I am unable too.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Benson,

Keep making the plans to move forward. Small steps daily when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Keep posting a lot for support. This is very wearing for you. But that’s what he wants to do, to wear you down. You can’t control him and his behaviours but you are in control of gathering as much support around you as possible to cope with this mental torture. Try ringing Women’s Aid tomorrow for extra support. I always felt much better after talking to them and it renewed my strength.

Your posts in themselves are enough and helping so many. It reminds us what nutters we’re dealing with. Its enough for you to post at the moment. Post everyday or several times a day if you need to when triggered. It will help you and others. Knowledge and sharing our experiences is Power for us all. Awareness helps us all. We could easily slip back into denial when no longer around the abuser, your posts help keep me rooted in reality and will help prevent me from being hoovered back into the relationship.

I hate that smirk. I remember it so well. Well let him smirk away but he has lost control of you. He is TRYING to upset you and ennerve you. But soon he won’t have that power anymore. They all have that smirk.

Keep reading all the posts on here to help you maintain your resolve and strength.
This too will pass. I thought I’d never get away from my abuser and I did.

[Benson]

Thank you Lover of no contact, I will keep posting as that makes me feel stronger and words of support and advice spur me on to keep planning the move forward. After a very sleepless night, I have taken another small step forward again today to make a new life for me and my child. I have had enough of being controlled and your right I now need to keep the strength and take that control back. I have been thinking about this and have decided to take action, once I have done it I will post and let you know how it went.

[lover of no contact]

Good luck with your making the changes to establish No Contact with your harasser (your ex). These men who refuse to let go are impossible to deal with on our own but with lots of support we can make it.

Take care, and see if you can go to bed early when your little one goes to bed. Sleep, good food and rest are so important when you’re being mentally tortured by him at the moment.

Your ex is loading the pressure on you but you show him you can equally can resist this bullying pressure (with lots of support) until you get away from where he can access you.

He is using the Persist, persist, persist tactic and you can resist, resist, resist back. Keep hanging on there and keep moving forward.

[Benson]

Here we go again! I have now had my bank tampered with, someone trying to change the address. I know who it is. I am speaking to someone tomorrow about this. I thought it had gone quiet!!!

[Benson]

This is the only pace I can get my frustrations out, sorry ladies! Last night his car was parked at the bottom of my drive way, his lights on watching the house- I managed to take a photo. He stayed there for a while, drove off and came back. I logged this with the photos and the response I got was to hang in there as it is not long until you move. I shouldn’t have to put up with it, I shouldn’t have to relocate, moving my child, my home and job, it should be him that is made to move. Just hope I get out before he finds out, or before something nasty happens.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Benson,

Keep resisting to engage with him. You are doing fantastic to withstand his mental pressure on you. He persists with the pressure. You resist it by not giving him a reaction or engaging with him. Don’t let him see you taking the photo. He wants attention. He wants drama. He wants to be living in your head..rent free. He wants you focussed on him.

I see a change in his pattern then if you have had a respite period from his harassing you. He wants to trigger you. He is so desperate. He is so needy for your attention/reaction he is hoping for one by tampering with your bank details. He is hoping this will push you into engaging with him. He has to learn from you that he is never going to get a reaction so he better continue to stalk new hunting grounds for a new victim he can get emotional responses from.

If you react to him in any way now he will have got a quick fix from your reactions and you will have him lurking and tampering for another few months. Show him no reaction and he won’t be getting any ‘fuel’ from you. With no fuel supplies from you he will be forced to go elsewhere and leave you alone.

I know its unfair you have to be the one to leave but unfortunately when dealing with an abuser we always get the wrong side of the stick. There is never any fairness when you have had an abuser as an intimate partner, parent, boss or work colleague. Financial unfairness also, responsibility/work-load unfairness etc, etc.

I’m relying on Karma or just plain good old-fashioned consequences to even out the score between my abuser and I.

My father used to always say to me ‘Life’s not fair’. I sure learnt that the hard way by marrying an abuser.

[Benson]

Thanks Lover of no contact, I was ready to ignore, taking your advice. Then (detail removed by Moderator) he is now trying again for access, he was denied before due to the risk he poses. This explains the escalation of behaviour. I can’t take it anymore, right now I wish I wasn’t here, I can’t live like this- it is all too much.

[lover of no contact]

Yes it is totally normal to feel as you do. That’s what harassing behaviours and them not leaving us alone do to us. This is too much for you on your own. I used to feel a bit stronger after speaking to someone from Women’s Aid by telephone. Could you ring them for extra support. They will help be a buffer against his latest tactics. You have no control over him and his behaviours but you can gather as much support as possible around you. You are doing the right thing to keep posting here for support, and reading the posts too will help sustain you. He’s wearing you out and grinding you down. Support, rest and healthy food necessary to keep your strength up.

[Author]

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