Had sex with him again

[PersonalPolitical]

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.
I don’t know why I allow myself to sleep with him. I can’t explain it to myself, why I do.
I don’t really want to. I’ve realised it is not something to tolerate(the way he acts to me/in relationship)yet after some time, I always end up next to him again.
He does come to bed uninvited and has never respected when I would tell him not to touch me anymore(next day he would)but I feel I just allow it at some point.
It might be because I’m isolated and see no one but him every day most of the time. I don’t know.

[fridges]

Hello, Personalpolitical,
You are now at the weakest yourself and your acts are coming not coming from strong version of you, but from the weak one. To build strong you – you will start only when he is not near you, then you will be able to grow this woman in you.
I have to say – when my abuser raped me first time, then he succeed to drag me back – with playing games – suicide attempts, manipulation, blackmailing, putting fears in me. I went through such hell, it is beyond the words.
It was going on almost for (detail removed by moderator) years. For me was good I did not live with him, and you will not believe how much worse it will be if I would live with him.
Then when he raped me again and again, when I was saying no. After one last time – I have decided – I do not care what he does, even kill me, but i’m not letting this man to touch me or stay ever alone with him in any place. I kept my promises to myself since this moment. This is when my pattern of behaviour started to change, I started slowly to stand up for me, set boundaries. Somehow I started to figure it that I’m played up like a doll on the string, and his love is a lie, it is the weapon to abuse me, use me.
Because he has something what he can blackmail me – he was holding me in this relationship, I was feeling scared and still scared of him.
Prepare your exit – what happened, happened and with time you will go through changes and life will become better for you.
Turn to support where you can – women’s aid, build other connections outside the house and outside him.
Your isolation is not working well for the escape.
And abusers do isolate us, so we will feel weak and alone, then we much more easy to manipulate and do anything what they want.
Now I’m doing therapy – and it does help me, and many times I was turned away, when I was looking for help, as my situation was not the usual.
I kept looking and you you should not give up.
There is freedom program, they also have groups when meeting just for coffee, for women who are supportive to each other and not judging each other.

[PersonalPolitical]

Thanks @Fridges. What hurts me the most is how I couldn’t say no right at the start; when I noticed that he is acting nice to me because he has coming to bed in mind. I feel like a fool, naive. Even when I realised what I feared is true(he came to sleep with me and literally the next morning he’s horrible, like nothing happened previous night), I couldn’t believe he’s so nasty.
I wonder why would he do that? I just wanted to be close. Am I really so disgusting and worthless he acts like that after he slept with me?
Where is his soul? I feel used. Because I am. And him acting the way he does around sex just shows the pattern of how he treated me day to day these years in a short story.

Still I keep falling for the same tricks. I really just hate this man and want him out of mine and my child’s life. I don’t want to risk my son picking up anything from him, I would never forgive myself.

[fridges]

hello, dear personal political,
Do not bit yourself about it. It is the cycle of making you feel special and then disregard, this is one of the tactics to control you. These one of the most frequent used technique what abusers use.
You are not disgusting, or worthless, remember that what he wants to put in your head, for which reason? So that he can carry on abuse, control, disrespect towards you.
He does not have a soul, or heart and do not try to look for one, or hope there is one.
Man who is loving, never would behave this way to any women.
I have been through your cycle many times. After sex I would be called a w***e or the s**t.
I know it is not me now, it was his mental issues, he was older, ugly, no friends, no one wanted to have him around. He was putting on me his failures and insecurities. And I wish I just left earlier and stand up earlier for me. This is how you get yourself strong and confident. Choose yourself and always choose yourself.
Step aside and eliminate his influence on you in any form or fashion.
I went through two very abusive relationships, and finally I’m learning how to protect myself and it is ok to be alone. Both of them destroyed me and I was at very bad place. Look for your supportive group. Anything what helps you feel stronger and empowered.

[PersonalPolitical]

Yeah @fridges you are probably right.
I always wondered how women can’t see their partner for a (Detail removed by moderator) that he is and now I’m in the same situation.
I have definitely idealised him too much, given what he did and does.
I didn’t want him to be one of the men I grew out of again, I was hoping in the beginning that this will be someone who will mature with me.

But as time goes he’s starting to look more and more pathetic. I was just trying to protect his image in my head because he’s my child’s father
I wanted to think that at least there it wouldn’t be a complete miss but that’s not possible to oversee after everything.

And honestly there’s so much variation in how abusers disguise themselves I don’t want to test my luck in the future anymore. I already think of myself as single, I don’t need any b****y man in my life. That’s why I’m p****d off even more at him for accusing me to fight with him just so I’d meet someone else or”fu** around”.
That’s what I am in his eyes, just someone that’s there to be fu**ed by him or someone else.
I don’t know why I even care why someone (Detail removed by moderator) like him has to say to me.

[Author]

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