Half in, half out

[Hetty]

I’m struggling with tremendous guilt and confusion as I’m living with emotionally abusive partner and making plans to leave. I feel sorry for him and anticipating the mixed emotions when I can finally escape. Is this normal? I have good friends but no family support and I’m afraid of how I’m going to cope without him.

[HunkyDory]

Entirely normal Hetty. The ladies on here taught me about the fog – fear, obligation and guilt. That’s how they make us feel and how they keep us trapped. I also felt sorry for my ex, but I knew life would be better without him and it is. Just take a day at a time, keep busy and look after yourself. Easier said than done I know but it’s possible. You will cope, your friends will help you. I lost most of my friends over the years, and I’m coping and enjoying the isolation, it’s helping me heal. Be careful leaving, it can turn dangerous. Go no contact with him afterwards – zero – no social media, block him everywhere, that definitely helps. Good luck xx

[Hetty]

Thank you for your reply. He’s been vile tonight and I’m keeping a diary to remind myself of why I’m leaving. I look forward to the day he’s out of my life but know it’s going to take some time.

[Wibbles]

I’ve left my husband but whilst he is still in the family home alone, my kids and I are living with my parents. People keep telling me I need to kick him out but I still feel guilty as he has nowhere else to go. From what I understand, guilt is a typical emotion and that’s linked to the way we’ve been treated in the past. It’s so hard to say, “No! I and my children deserve better!”
I wish you all the strength and love as this is the hardest thing you’ll have to face.
Keep posting. Xx

[PurpleTriangle]

I cried for a week when I knew I was gonna leave, and couldn’t explain why. It’s as if he knew I was going cos that week he was super nice to me, making me feel more and more guilty. I made notes on my phone so I knew where everything was, so when I left I could find stuff. I only had one family member that knew what he was like and she backed me all the way, the rest of my family had stopped talking to me years ago cos of him. My work colleagues were fantastic and tried to keep my spirits up that week. I even ironed all his clothes so he wouldn’t be without any. The day I left, I went to work in the morning as usual, and then had half a day off to come back and gather my things and leave. I was a dithering wreck and every time a car drove past the house, I flew to the window thinking it was him. I left him a note saying I couldn’t cope with his aggressive ways and ever changing moods and that I didn’t love him anymore. I went to live a friend he knew nothing about in a different area so he couldn’t find me. I blocked his number on my phone, although he did ring me on withheld numbers and I ended up having to change my number, I blocked him absolutely everywhere. Cos we had a mortgage together I allowed him to contact via an email, he was told only financial contact to be discussed, but he still used it to spew his vile comments and accusations at me, so in the end my friend took over the email and only allowed me to view the stuff I needed to read to stop him from upsetting and frightening me. I was a wreck when I left, jumping at the slightest thing, always asking them if I could use the toilet and apologising for the slightest of things. I felt tremendous guilt for leaving and worried he wouldn’t be able to cope without me. Now I’m years down the line, I struggle with my confidence and if anyone compliments me I find it hard to accept they mean it. But I am so glad I got out when I did. I’m slowly turning my life around, and now looking for counselling to try understand everything I’m feeling and went through at the hands of my ex.

It is hard to leave and yes it does make you emotional and feel guilty, but to be away from the abuse is a relief. You can do this and even though you may think your not strong enough to cope without him, over time you will realise you can cope on your own. Good Luck and stay strong x*x

[Hetty]

Thank you for you so much for your replies. I’ve stated to keep a log of what is happening to help me keep perspective of his ways. Only (detail removed by moderator) I got guilt trip messages about how sad and lonely he is, insinuating there is more I could be doing m. Yet time and time again I don’t understand what it is I’ve done wrong in the first place. Sure I have bad days, work stress, family stress, annoyed when everything in the house is down to me but I don’t go on like he does. I keep thinking if it’s me that’s so awful why doesn’t he go or talk to me sensibly about leaving. In the past I’ve been stupid enough to think this vile messages are an opening for us to have an adult conversation about separating but I’ve found that this just leads to shouting and swearing in front of the kids, stone walling me then a period of him being nice. I’ve been going round in circles for years.
I have an appt with a local DA service in half an hour and I’m hoping they can help me through this fog.
I wish I could just leave right this minute but I have no family to stay with and while a couple of close friends have offered me refuge it would be very destabilising for my child so I’m really wanting to have a very clear longer term plan. He keeps saying he expects me to empty the house one days when he’s out so I think he knows his behaviour is bad. I’m having to tread carefully.
I feel like I’m living a double life in a respectable job where I’m respected then come home to be spoken to like I’m a child or a dog.
How did you get your things out the house? I’ve been threatened that he would call the police and have me arrested for theft.

[PurpleTriangle]

Hi Hetty, I just took things that were mine. But I also left stuff behind that he had hidden and I couldn’t find, he was always hiding my things in an attempt to play mind games with me, so when I said I couldn’t find something, he would produce it and try and make me look like I was losing my mind. I packed my car up and left. I have no kids so I suppose it was easier in that respect.
Afterwards he said he’d reported my car as stolen, but several times I had the police behind me on the motorway, but never been pulled over, so he was as usual lying.
It took me years to gain the courage to leave, he always said I wouldn’t survive without him.
I had left once before but only lasted a couple of months and he promised me he would change and like an idiot I believed him, but he soon went to back his old ways of belittling me, and I think was even worse than earlier times.

I hope you manage to get something sorted out for you and your kids. x

[Eunice Annie]

Hetty – I so get what you say about feeling respected at work but very much not at home. I wish I had left him sooner as I had to stop work, leaving a job I loved & was valued & respected at – just so I could cope emotionally with my abuser. I told him I couldn’t do the job & live with him. Should have left him & not the job then. It’s been much harder since I finished work. Tho my yoga practice has come on so there’s one good thing. I do seriously recommend yoga for helping clearing your head of his nonsense.

[positivelyempath]

HunkyDory – FOG – fear obligation guilt is so true! I am feeling that so badly right now….how do they get us to feel like that when they are the awful ones?! so unfair x

[Hetty]

Me too. Deep in the FOG. I’m actually worried about how he’ll manage financially and feeling bad that we moved in together in the first place. Like it’s all my fault. As others have said he gives with one hand takes with the other. Helps me out and supports me then berates me, humiliates me and shatters my self esteem.

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