Halfway there…how do I cope with a gaslighter

[jackjack]

I have come to the forum – I have got my life back on track in many ways.

However, i still have to have contact with my emotionally abusive ex. I have found this tricky – a typical gaslighter and head mincer.
When i stood up to him he got violent and when he realised i was talking to WA he got my older kids to be violent towards me.
How do I deal with that – i just want the younger ones to have contact and hope one day my older kids wake up and realise im not a monster.

How do I deal with his attempts to bait me – texts me things when he has contact that implies im a terrible mother. He has told me often my older kids think of me as dead to them. The last time I had to talk to him I switched my brain on and could see how he wanted me to feel sorry for him. I took the emotion out of it and kept to the program of talking schedule in regards to the kids. Did I do right? In the past I played to his ego to make sure he kept the kids.
Im waiting for him to sabotage the weekends contact cos he knows ive got a social work function on. Help!

[SilkyHalide]

You can’t stop them sabotaging do you have family that can have them if he does change plans last min?
I stopped all verbal and text communication. Blocked number and Facebook.
I realised he would be more guarded in emails so limited to that re children.
He used threats to try to get me to back down and used the children to call me so he could do it via them or in the background while we were on phone.
Get advice re all children. My eldest and thier dad manipulated youngest into rejecting me too.

[jackjack]

im sorry about that – my worst fear is that they will make the younger ones reject me. i will look into how to reduce my communication with him from now on.

[SilkyHalide]

If you are on Facebook see lita ford parental alienation and also see my emotional vampire
Also read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that. It gives good strategies regarding children in this position.

[SilkyHalide]

But it seems to me you are already dealing with it incredibly well.
Being able to switch off the emotion is absolutely the key to keeping your control and stopping him in his tracks.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear jackjack, if you have a look on here for a thread, ‘can you give any examples of gas lighting’ I created this and you might find some good tips. Also try to read 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships and all books by HG Tudor, these are all shortish books free to read on Amazon. They sorted my head out a lot amid all of the foggyness and confusion. There were 2 more threads i created, Plausible Deniability and Intermittent Reinforcement which you may like. A book which explains the tactics quite well is called The Devils Toolkit by HG Tudor (free to read on Amazon). X

[jackjack]

thank youx

[KIP.]

Reduce all contact with him to the very minimum. I refuse to discuus my husband with my son. I change the subject or tell him its nothing to do with him. Dont be drawn in by the flying monkeys which is what the children are. Give the kids lots of space and most importantly, be patient and play the long game. They will realise, in fact i think they already know who is the monster but its easier to take it out on us, who theyre not so scared of x space and time. And lots of deep breathing. Its a horrific position to be in. I know. My husband knows my son is all he has left to,hurt me with and he cant help himself. True evil x

[jackjack]

I will be patient. thank you x

[Author]

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