Hard day…

[lilaclady]

I am just endlessly confused, the cycle goes on and on and last night I ended up going to bed with no idea where I am at what’s going on etc.

I had got to the point where I knew I needed to leave I know this behaviour isn’t right and I know it isn’t going to change. Came home from work and he had decided ages ago he was going to go away for a week as he has been REALLY stressed at work and the counsellor suggested he go away to this (detail removed by Moderator) he used to go to. I asked him last week are you still going, just because I need to arrange things for that week as I have a (detail removed by Moderator) on the weekend so I will need someone to look after the little one and he said he had decided not to go. Then suddenly he has decided to go and then I ask him have you booked it yet and the response is, oh look you can’t wait to push me out of the house. I told him no I am simply asking if you have booked it, just so I know what’s happening.

That then spurred off the most confusing of conversations…how we are going down a road now where if things don’t change we will split up. I OBVIOUSLY don’t care about that and I have probably been planning this all along and have secret plans. He is SO ANGRY as (detail removed by Moderator) I did leave the home with my son (left a note – not a horrible one just explaining why I left and telling him I wanted to get things sorted out and that I wanted to save our family) he is still angry with me for doing this saying I left in the middle of the night (I didn’t) and doesn’t get that I left as he was so verbally abusive towards me on our (detail removed by Moderator) I just couldn’t go on in that. So be brought that up again. I said it’s not like I took our son out of the country (I am from the UK) he said if you ever did that i would get you arrested at the airport. It’s not something I would ever do. He kept saying how for us to move on I need to be able to re-set and move forward with him. the problem is I can’t re-set and move forward. He has these angry explosions and I am stuck in that cycle with him. So then I started to question why can’t I move forward is it me? Should I be doing that? I am remembering things he has said way back to (detail removed by Moderator) ago. Why can’t I forgive and forget. I started to think he had a point….

the conversation went on about am I waiting for him to make the decision it’s over. I should have just come out and said yes it is over but somehow I just couldn’t? Even typing this now I can’t make any sense of it all. I just remember him saying I need to move on. But how can I? From all the nasty things he has said to me over the past few years. He told me I was so lucky to be with him, nice home, nice things. I told him it’s not about that it’s your anger explosions I can’t deal with. And of course he can’t deal with that. He totally denied that he lost it with me last week and weekend before. he just can’t see it!!

Next morning he asked how I slept and I said not well…and he said yes you did you know you did. He slept fine apparently. And he was being nice saying how nice my hair was and how good my job was (all things he has said he didn’t like before) and then I talked about what was said last night trying to make him see the reason why things are bad between us is from HIS behaviour. But I guess a man like that never sees it. He just now sees that I am destroying our relationship even though I have tried everything to keep us together.

I told him not once have you thought about how I feel? How your words hurt me, you never apologise or own up to it you either blame me or deny it. He says no one has ever said he was an angry man, no other partner just me. And I have driven him to depression. I told him he has pushed me away with his behaviour but no it’s my fault.

So just feeling confused don’t know what my next step is. Can;t believe it’s come to this!

Currently at work which is a welcome break from it all but in four hours it will be time to head home and face him again.

I know I am better off without him but it’s just making that first step that terrifies me and feels so big and so final calling a day on my marriage. I feel ashamed we have only been married one year but my son is only (detail removed by Moderator) so for me getting out now is hard but makes more sense than waiting till he is older and it is harder for him.

[bunsandcakes]

This sounds familiar. There is a course i am doing called the freedom program and this kind of conversation is classic abusive tactics. He is trying to confuse you, belittle you, make you feel disorientated and like its all in your head and if you leave it will all be youf fault. It won’t. Its his fault. He is a bully and a headworker. It took me about 1-2 years before i got the courage to leave and km nlw saying my life is easy now but its so much better not having everything controlled by their moods…. Their outbursts.. Their sudden loving behaviour that gives you enough hope to stay but that never lasts. Its a cycle to abuse then love then abuse then love. Its not right. Hold on to that. This isnt right.

[EeyoreNoMore]

It is absolutely classic abusive behaviour. Funny that all these abusers think they are the best but put them in a line and all their actions are the same!

Have you read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? Can you get a copy delivered to work and read it there? It really does explain what they do and how it makes us feel. It helps to lift the confused fog they like to keep us in. You’re here and you can see there’s a problem so you’re already on the right track.

[lilaclady]

Thanks for your comments! I have ordered a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book from the library which I am due to pick up this weekend. He goes to bed super early so I can read it then.. or at work. I did read a Patricia Evans book and that helped me so much to see that he is verbally abusive. The part of abusive anger could have been describing him. This cycle love to abuse doesn’t feel right that’s for sure! He’s now being lovely….said to my son today you are so lovely just like your mummy. But then a few days before saying how I need to forgive and move on and being angry…

He’s going away for a week in a few weeks and I cannot wait for the space away from him. Things are so much calmer with him not in the house and that makes me think how much better it would be if I do get out. But then I have this constant fear of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

[Author]

Posts