Hard to define…

[Shiningsunlight]

My ex has never called me names, belittled me, stopped me seeing friends or family, or physically hurt me in any way. Yet professionals have told me they think he is abusive.
He would reject me sexually and use porn instead. When I wanted to talk about why he didn’t want me he suggested I (detail removed by moderator). He tried to tell me the things I saw on his computer screen weren’t what I thought I’d seen. He lied about what he was doing. He kept saying it wouldn’t happen again and then did. He said he didn’t need therapy. I walk on eggshells every day going not to wake him from sleep, not wanting to deal with his moping since I left him. We still live together due to finances but I sleep in another room. He says there is no point getting help if he can’t get me back. He refused to promise his mum not to kill himself. He hasn’t made suicidal comments but he says things like ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ and ‘i don’t want to be alive (detail removed by moderator)’

I’m in therapy but struggling to untangle if this is abusive or just a man who is unwell struggling.

[Watersprite]

I think the fact you are here says somewhere inside you know this is abusive. Not all abuse is physical the psychological aspects like gaslighting you describe can be very damaging and difficult to see. Manipulation is really hard for our brains to get hold off. Begin by trusting YOUR gut not his version of things x*x

[Bananaboat]

When you think of abuse you think physical, then intimidation, threats, name calling, controlling friends/money but it’s far wider reaching and sadly even a lot of charities dedicated to supporting dv only focus on those type of stories. Reading posts on here you’ll see there a lot more to it, like walking on eggshells, being told you didn’t see/hear/feel what you did (gaslighting), using your emotions to control you – like threatening suicide. You list several red flags. It can be extremely hard to accept the word ‘abuse’ but books like Pat Craven’s’living with the dominator’ and Lundy Bancroft’why does he do that’ really help to widen your perspective of what is right/wrong.

[Grey Rock]

Yes. It’s controlling and coercive. The Living With a Dominator book is good, and is best worked through with the Freedom Program if you feel up to registering to join one.

I also found the Out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) book helpful.

I found it helpful to research the cycle of abuse to understand why he was so Jekyll and Hyde and why I tolorated things for so long and was willing to forgive and give more chances. Dr Ramani YouTube videos helped me to understand some of my ex’s behaviour and attitudes as well.

Good luck.

GR

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