Hard to work out what’s abuse and what isn’t

[Coastal]

I’ve reached a point where I can’t go on any longer in my relationship, it’s been years of things feeling not quite right, children involved but I’ve wanted so much for things to be ok and the moments of fun and happy times always give that hope

I’m having a hard time trying to work out if the behaviours of my partner are abusive, they seem so subtle but can’t help feeling like they are ways to control and manipulate. There’s been a lot of moodiness, snapping, not getting involved or being fully present with family life and running a household. Never explicit with name calling but will never really engage in a discussion or conversation about things, it’s always his answer in an aggressive tone, and if you don’t agree there is moodiness. I finally spoke up and said things need to change, he exploded and hit an object in the house (not the first time), and has since apologised a lot and taken steps to speak to a doctor – his explanation is that he’s (detail removed by moderator)

I’m feeling numb really and like I need space, have asked him to stay somewhere else, I think he thinks just for a few nights but I’m thinking longer term and trying to work out how to phrase it. I need time to process what’s been happening

[Wants To Help]

Hi Coastal,

Abuse can be a whole heap of situations and many of them can be very subtle to start with. Throwing things/hitting things/smashing them in temper are signs of aggression and this would certainly put you in fear of bringing something up again because you’d be worried about your home being damaged, so this would certainly cause you to have that feeling of ‘walking on eggshells’ and that heavy anxiety in your chest when you feel like you want to bring up something that is bothering you but can’t because you’re worried about how he’ll react.

Moodiness, snapping at you, disinterest in conversations, withdrawing from family input can all be signs of depression, but this is no excuse for abusive behaviour. If you have gently tried to talk to him about this and he is not open to your concerns and willingly accepts your observations about his behaviour and then tries to get help for himself then there’s not much more you can do. It does not mean that you have to put up with him and his ways if that’s how he wants to carry on. If you feel that this relationship no longer suits your requirements then you have every right to end it, or ask for him to move out until he addresses his depression and behaviour and then you can see about picking the relationship up again in six months time if you both feel like it.

We don’t need to have it confirmed that something is ‘officially’ classed as domestic abuse because we can all be affected by different things in different ways. If your relationship is making you unhappy, fearful, on edge, unfulfilled, incomplete, is burdening you, making you miserable, worn out, numb, then don’t feel guilty calling the shots on it. Don’t feel guilty if this is no longer for you.

xx

[Chocolatebar]

Hello, I can very much relate to what you have said. I’ve questioned so many times whether what I am experiencing is abuse or whether it’s something wrong with me.
I’m very frightened to tell him I’m leaving and that fear is dominating my life but I’m clinging on to the hope that one day I will have the strength to tell him.
We all have the support of each other on here, which is a huge help. Xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi chocolatebar, you are in the right place here and are not alone.
I was told not to discuss leaving my husband with him but to get a safety plan together first. Have you rang your local Womans Aid? Citizens Advice Bureau were also helpful for me but I am aware every district has different help available.
When I asked my husband to separate for a few months he went nuts at me, called me a liar, I was tricking him, accused me of so much BS…. he then went into victim mode, feigning depression/suicide (all fake though he had me worried when he said he was suicidal, I rang the police and asked them to do a welfare check on my husband, funny how he suddenly felt fine!).
I would suggest getting as much support as possible. Have you read Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven? That book helped me understand what DA is and all the disguises it comes with.
Keep posting ❤️

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you for your words Hereforhelp.
I did ring my local WA and I spent all the phone call in tears. However, they were very understanding and made me feel as though it was actually me that is the victim…not him!
I have not read the book you suggested but I certainly will be. I watched some YouTube videos by Lundy Bancroft which another member recommended.
IF ONLY I didn’t feel stuck in concrete and could be brave. Where do so many other women get their strength from?
Thank you once again for your support on here. It means a lot xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello, you’ve had some great advice already. I just wanted to add that I was similar for so long until something escalated and even then I questioned it. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ so helpful. I’d feel those ‘eggshells’ every time he got dressed in the morning (had I washed the clothes he needed, were they where he wanted them) came home (god forbid I’d be relaxing when he walked in, had I done enough when he was out), planning days out, dreading birthdays etc and never realised all of this is part of the abuse. If they can control & manipulate via these more subtle methods they won’t escalate, but be warned (and as you describe with hitting something), he will escalate his methods once existing ones stop working. The apology is empty, they say it so you’ll forgive and importantly – fall back into line and comply again, sadly they aren’t really sorry and will do it again x

[nbumblebee]

@coastal I hate labels I struggle with the word abuse I wont use it for myself and my situation I cant see it as such. As much as others will call it I wont and dont want too, to me life is tough and ny husband isnt always kind isnt always nice. It doesnt matter what they do what its called or not called if you have that feeling in the pit of your tummy if you feel scared unsafe upset on a regular basis if things are not working out for you then sweetie you have every right to just leave or ask him to leave. This is your life to live yours and if he doesnt make it better if he hurts you upsets you or if you have just fallen out of love then whatever its ok to stop the relationship its ok to say goodbye you deserve to be happy to be treated with respect and love.

@chocolatebar im still here decades in a marriage ive been in this forum for a year now and whilst im getting stronger changing things and trying so hard to figure a way through all this Im still here so dont beat yourself up read, learn understand listen to ladies on here trust your gut and when you are ready it will happen. Xxxx

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you @nbumblebee your words mean so much. My self esteem and confidence are rock bottom because I know I must be weak and pathetic to still be here but reading your message has given me some hope to cling to.
Thank you x*x

[nbumblebee]

I know you do and nothing anyone says will take away that feeling I feel it too.
But the only person that can fight that can change this is you sweetie, people can help but at the end of the day only you can decide. Like I said read all you can read posts on here lots of them red books blogs learn and absorb all you can. Talk it out talk it through and one day when you are ready when you are atrong enough im sure it will happen.
You are not alone and you dont have to be if you can find some courage to reach out talk to someone get some help you may find it will be the best thing you ever did. You can and will be ok sweetie you just gotta believe. Xxxxx

[Chocolatebar]

I am very new to this forum and in the week or so I have been on here, all you ladies are incredibly supportive. I know that I can say anything and none of you will judge.
You sound quite a strong person @nbumblebee but by reading what you’ve said, it is still incredibly difficult for you.
My head feels in a vice at times,and the feeling of suffocating is overwhelming. He’s not violent, …I’m exhausted from trying to find the right words to describe his behaviour to people tbh.
It’s been like this for many many years and the worrying thing is , this feels “my normal” even though I am certain in my mind I want to leave.
Please let me know how you’re doing, every single day is like climbing a mountain isn’t it.
I hope we all get there in the end 🙏 x*x

[nbumblebee]

Ive sent you a pm sweetie. X

[Eggshells]

Hi Chocolatebar

It’s probably one of the most commonly asked questions on the forum. Reading “Living with the Dominator” will help you to answer it. There is also a questionnaire here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

I remember going over and over the questionnaire wanting it to give me a conclusive answer. The answer it gives can seem a little wishy washy but the questions are well designed. If you answer yes to one of the questions then it’s likely to be abuse. If like me you find the answer feels less than solid, it may be that you are struggling to accept what it is telling you. “Living with the Dominator” can help you with that.

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you for your response @Eggshells. I have just done the questionnaire and as I was going through the questions, I panicked that I wasn’t saying “yes” but then 2 questions did and it was a massive relief! I suppose in my mind I wanted to be able to have solid clarification how bad it all is.
Thank you again Eggshells, I hope you’re doing as ok as you can be x*x

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