Harrassment, guilt, confusion

[Quietgirraffe]

I left, but I’m not all the way out yet, and I’m feeling very conflicted about my decision. A lot of the time, I still question whether what he did was really abuse. There were only a few instances of what I would call “light” physical violence, and because he never hit me, I often wonder if I was overreacting. But there was lots of smashing of objects and punching of walls. Lots of blame – he literally told me more than once that if I could just change my behavior and be more considerate of him and his needs, that he wouldn’t feel the need to punch walls anymore. He refused to do any cleaning or cooking or washing of dishes as a punishment to me because I wasn’t putting enough effort or (detail removed by moderator) it was my fault. I was always the one spending more on (detail removed by moderator), and yet he still claimed I wasn’t contributing enough. He would talk for hours, literally HOURS on end about himself and his life but would get angry if i spent more than 10 minutes talking about what was going on for me. He guilted me for taking time away from him to engage in hobbies or other friendships. He didn’t like any of the friends I had when we got together so I left them behind, and then we had no friends, and never went out, and then he began to blame me for our isolation. He often denied conversations I remembered so clearly and was resentful of all my achievements. If I would go out of town without him he would call me screaming for hours and make the entire trip miserable for me. The night I left, it was because of an incident with a weapon. The weapon was not directed at my physical body, but was directed at me in intent and it terrified me. He threatened to kill himself after I left.
After I left, he quit a medication about which I had expressed concerns, and then blamed all his actions on that medication. He swore he would do better and do anything I wanted and would work on himself if I came back, that he would never harm me. I was so distraught I said nothing to him for some time, and then finally wrote him a letter telling him it was over. He refused to finish reading the letter. He only wanted to see me in person, alone, with no one else around, to work out our problems. After a while he decided that what he had done wasn’t all that bad, that he is sorry and still loves me but I overreacted and needed to take responsibility for my part of the things that went on in our relationship. I tried telling him over the phone kindly, gently, that our relationship was over, but I still wanted to be friends after we had both healed. He told me that he would not let me go, and eventually hung up on me. I haven’t spoken to him since.
However, he has been calling and texting at all hours of the day and night, from restricted numbers, spoofed numbers, social media – I have blocked all unknown callers at this point and all the texts too. He sometimes calls dozens of times in a day and even in the wee hours of the morning. And he has tried to make contact with me through other people in my life. He sometimes says mean or blaming things, but then switches to being loving and apologetic. Lately, he is telling me how much he loves me and how perfect we are together, and that he will do anything I want him to do to get better, even while minimizing his own actions towards me. I already asked him to go to a group for abusive men but he will not admit that his actions were abusive, he apologizes for them in one sentence and then justifies them in another.
It has become pretty clear that he has several unaddressed personality disorders. Writing this all here makes things seem very clear – for the moment anyway – but most of the time I feel so confused and guilty for leaving. I often wonder if I was overreacting, maybe I am the problem and my own emotional/psychological hang-ups are to blame for our problems. I feel so sad to think of him alone – he has very few close people in the world, and especially with the covid-19 situation, I worry about him terribly. I feel like I have abandoned him. And I wonder so much about whether I have made the right decision, my mind feels cloudy all the time. He still has hope that we’re going to get back together despite what I have told him. I feel that I need to tell him again that things are over but the idea of having any contact with makes me feel sick. But I also am scared to fully end things with him. Even though really I have already ended it, I still find some bizarre comfort in the fact that he keeps trying to contact me. Sometimes I really and truly miss him, and ache for the little bit of good things we shared. Because of course there was a time when our relationship was good.
Why do I so often feel like I want to go back to him even though I am also terrified to see him again? It’s like I have this wierd yearning for him and this total inability to see anything but the good parts of him. I often feel that I can’t even recall most of the hurtful thing he did. I want to be over this. I want to be strong and move on. But part of me still loves him I think, or loves the image of him, or feels such a strong attachment that I confuse it with love. And I’m feeling like I’m the a*****e in this situation for cutting off communication and leaving him with no one. I’m afraid that I’m going to one day suddenly regret my decision and wish that I had stuck things through with him, that I am not going to be as worthy or as happy without him. And I sometimes get confused about what he’s been doing with trying to contact me – is this truly harassment, or is it something anyone would do if they are hopelessly in love? Am I making too big a deal about these things? Really in need of some guidance on how to clarify what I’m feeling and stay strong, because I often feel so terribly lost and as though I am going to lose the most special thing I’ve ever had in my life if I fully let him go.

[Misssy123]

Hi QG … I myself am sitting in the exact sane boat and have done many times before . The conclusion that I have came to after (detail removed by moderator) without him is it would never have worked and neither will yours lv .. kicking & smashing things are most definitely abuse ! How dare he do that ? How dare he scare and frighten you ?! How can another human being do that to someone they say they love ! Not helping you around the house or contributing money is all control .. he’s selfish & manipulating ! Making you feel bad & guilty by saying he’s going to harm himself because you left is sick and it sound like he is a little bit and deep down inside him he knows this and knows that it will play in your mind and that’s another little game play .. he isn’t harassing you because he loves you I’m sorry to say that but it’s because you finally took control and decided no I’m not having this because you know you deserve better and not only better but peace in your head & heart ! He also knows no one else is going to put up his c**p not ever so he’s disrespecting you in that way so please please keep your mind busy this does pass as it’s not your fault ! You tried I’m sure many times to make it work and succumbed every time to his demands etc but now you need to take your life back before something really serious happens and your too far gone down that rabbit hole … as fir the good times we all have them , we all many many amazing times but it’s when the tough gets going that you see their real true colours and you need to ask yourself could you stick that honestly fir the rest of your life ? I don’t think you can my love .. most of the time we miss them is because it’s the one person that’s always been there it’s like routine and now that’s all gone and hopefully for the better you can maybe find some peace .. a little clarity to know that his behaviour is not normal and that it’s not your fault at all !!!! Missing him is going to be a huge part of moving in but it must be done and best so it alone . Let him call .. let him text .. tell the police .. tell everyone but keep yourself safe and do not give in to his manipulative demands . As for covid-19 we all across the world globally have all this time in our hands and he’s bored and your the target of his boredom and the more you refuse to give in he will eventually get bored also trust me . In the meantime as I said stay safe and well and do not give in . Men like him will never change .
What happens in the dark always comes to light . I wish you peace & love . X

[Quietgirraffe]

Thank you for the words of encouragement, Misssy. Every day is up and down but hearing things like that really helps me get stronger and reminds me that I’m not crazy and overreacting. I can and will get through this.

[Headspinning]

I totally understand how you feel. I too have been feeling sad this week, wondering if I overly obsessed about the bad stuff, exaggerated it all in my head, maybe it wasn’t so bad and there were certainly good times too.
I cant say that I am at the other side of feeling that way. What I can say is that writing it all down (as you have done above) helps – because when you see it in black and white it’s clearly abusive and not ok.
What I can also say is that these men are masters at minimising their bad behaviour – yes they can apologise but are they actually taking any action to change? And they tend to try and share the blame at best – make you feel that you are as bad as they are and you also need to change. Therefore deflecting.
Read about FOG online – fear, obligation, guilt. And trauma bond.
I think we need to accept that regardless of how much we have been in control of the decision and how much we are vindicated- we still need to go through the full grieving process of what might have been.
When I am angry it’s easier – but we are rational people and the anger passes then the sadness takes over. No contact helps as every tine I interact it takes me back a good few steps.
I posted earlier this week “feeling sad” if you want to have a look. I’m more emotional this week because of a significant date, which is amplifying everything. I feel guilty and worry I rushed the decision, but I need to remind myself I also recently found out this man who loves me so much has also been using our joint account funds since we split on online dating subscriptions and paying for porn – goodness knows what he is “paying for” as it’s freely available. yes be sad – we are caring people and we started with high hopes – but don’t let the sadness sway you. What you outline is absolutely abusive and who wants that?
Take care and believe things will get better.
Message me any time or keep posting on here – I totally get it.

[Quietgirraffe]

Thank you for the kind words hesdspining.

Someone close to me who has been talking a lot with my ex since I left and has sort of sided with him just told me that i am doing incredible damage to my ex and his family, as well as damage to my friend and their family, (the friend who has been talking to my ex) because, as they would like to say, theyve been handling the relationship for me. Even though I never asked them to do that.

I am panicking and triggered. This person is very important in my life and they are telling me that I am the one doing damage because I’m not talking to my ex. I feel frightened and ashamed and so low. I feel like I need to call my ex now to make things right. Am I being a bad person by not talking to him. Please help.

[Quietgirraffe]

Also wondering if I wasn’t clear enough when I ended things with him… I wrote him a letter which he said he only read part of telling him things were over, and I also told him over the phone, to which he basically said that he wouldn’t let things be over. So according to others he’s thinking that we still have a chance to get back together. I’ve had someone ask me to tell him again that things are over but I really don’t want to have any further contact with him and I’m afraid he’ll get angry if I say that to him again and become more dangerous. But I’m also afraid that it still won’t get through to him and he’ll continue to be in denial. Did I not tell him clearly enough already?

Sorry for all the posts, I am just so distraught right now.

[Headspinning]

Hi
I suspect you have been more than clear – these guys hear what they want to hear.
Their sense of entitlement and importance is so huge they think they are the only ones who can decide to finish the relationship. They think so much of themselves that why would you possibly ever want to finish with them?

When they can’t get through to you they try other means to get to you through friends and family. They are amazing at playing the plausible victim and can get others inside.

I had the exact same problem with a family member in my side who initially attempted to be independent but it was clear their agenda was to help us fix it. Even when my ex behaved very badly in front of this family member they still struggled to stop trying to persuade me to fix it.

People don’t like change. They weren’t living our relationships so they don’t know the extent of the problem. They mean well – and we are nice people so we don’t want to offend. I went back to my ex (detail removed by moderator) ago primarily to keep the peace with others. Looking back it was a mistake. Yes we had some nice times – but nothing really changed and I had to go through the whole break up again. And it’s exhausting!

Take a huge step back and ask yourself if you were to go back then what would be your motivation in doing so? Out of guilt and pity or out of love?

Ask yourself – do I believe this person is capable of making the changes I need to see for this to be a fulfilling relationship? Do I have the ability to influence that change? And if no – how much of my life am I willing to sacrifice before I walk away.

You have already left. Do you need any contact at all? Don’t know if you are married, have joint assets or have kids? But unless you have a reason to maintain any for of contact even through a third party, why can’t you just talk people you have exited, he knows why and it would help you if they refrained from talking about him.

I don’t know how aware the go between is of all the issues. If they are aware then they are not acting in your best interests. You maybe need to consider who to take into your confidence and trust to talk to. Here is good pkace, friendx who are yours alone as well. Mutual friends often have an agenda to return things to the status quo – possibly we’ll intentioned but it’s your life and please stand strong. It’s not this other person echinus going to get berated for going to town amongst other bad behaviour.

My ex wasn’t overly physical either – but would rant and lecture, sulk, spoil special events, if he was busy I was to be busy but it was fine for him to watch TV if I was busy. Punishments, petty retaliation, going on and on in the night when I just wanted to sleep. But ask anyone else – he was a great guy, easy going, fun etc. They aren’t living with these guys we are – so we get to decide what we are willing to accept.

Please don’t go back – you are worth so much more than that treatment xx

[Headspinning]

If you haven’t already – read Why does he do that by Lundy Bankroft – it will open your eyes. Doesn’t make it any less hard to go through, but you will start to make sense of it. It’s amazing how similar and predictable these guys are!! X

[Quietgirraffe]

Just looked up FOG and wow does that sound a lot like what I’m experiencing. I have read Bancroft’s book, that’s one of the reasons I left in the first place, but I feel like I just need to keep reading it because I have this horrible tendency to just forget that all those things are true about him.

Unfortunately I will need to have a little more contact with my ex in order to get my stuff out of our place, which I have been avoiding – the person who’s in communication with my ex hasn’t wanted me to go back and get my stuff yet because they have a stake in the living situation that my partner and I were in. This person knows every detail about what happened but is minimizing it, and is actually quite an abusive and manipulative person themselves and so has a lot of power over me. I haven’t gotten the strength yet to go beyond their control. It’s a rather complicated situation, but you’re right, I don’t want to go back and I don’t think my ex will really take the necessary steps to get better. He has made it clear already that he’s sorry for some of the things he did but he doesn’t think he needs further help so he’s not going to get it.

Will keep reading about FOG and what I can do to mitigate it, thanks for that!

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