Has anyone else had these feelings…

[Janedoeissad]

Since I’ve started planning leaving my partner, I’ve started to feel ill a lot.

Physically I’ve had an upset stomach, I’ve had a headache on and off for around a fortnight and I can’t sleep (this is a new concept for me, not sleeping has never been an issue, even if I’ve had a bad day with my partner I can normally get 5 hours at least).

I can normally calm any anxious thoughts or cheer myself up when I am feeling low. I normally have good coping mechanisms for days when I have these feelings. Now its becoming really tough.

I can’t explain how I feel. It is almost like now I’ve decided I want to leave, half of me is unhappy that I have to “plan” my departure and wait to get things sorted. I want out and its like my body is screaming at me to just get up and go but its not that simple. At the same time I’m battling with the small remaining part of my brain that STILL thinks everything is normal and keeps normalising his behaviour. I’ve literally never felt this conflicted about anything.

I think the fact he is actually being nice for a change (it won’t last, I know that) has thrown me a little too.

I hope that makes sense!

[Woollymammal]

Hi Janedoeissad, I know exactly how you feel and i have been having the same feelings too since I’ve decided to go.. I think partly it’s fear, because if your found out you know what will happen. And that litre bit of love you still have makes you sad you have to escape. After all it’s not our fault it’s theirs and we have to start all over again in fear of getting caught and what could happen.. stress and anxiety set in…. It’s a reaction we can’t escape from.. but we can escape from them and have a life we deserve. Xx

[Lightness]

I think you’re both doing great. The weeks prior to my departure were hell. I was terrified and exhausted. It was the hardest few weeks of my life. When I left it was so so worth it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will be free.
Lx

[Janedoeissad]

Than you for both your replies.

It might sound stupid but I can plan every last practical detail but the actual leaving part is what I find hardest. I am someone who likes not to feel let down or mislead. So the thought of leaving one day without telling him doesn’t sit right with me but I totally get why I have to do it. The thought I’m going to make him either extremely sad or incredibly mad also doesn’t sit right but then I want to be happy so either he’s miserable or I am.

I just want to skip the whole lot and move on by myself. Failing that, does anyone have a time machine I can borrow? I could go back to before we met and stop myself from meeting him!

[Janedoeissad]

Sorry that should’ve said I don’t like other people feeling let down or mislead

[Tiffany]

The mantra ‘I have to put myself first’ helped me counteract the guilty feelings. I think it had been so long since I had truly done that that I had almost forgotten it was true. I also had the most horrendous physical symptoms when leaving – I have a chronic illness so it flared up badly, and my lovely long thick hair started falling out in handfuls. It’s worth it though. Also, remember that even when he is being lovely he still isn’t admitting that it is to make up for what he has done to you. If he is anything like mine was, even if you brought up how you were feeling during a good spell he would convince you the problem was all in your head. If they can’t admit guilt and assume responsibility for their actions, and repeated experience tells us that they can’t and don’t, then talking to them can’t help, and once we are thinking about leaving and they are losing control it can be dangerous. I know you know this, but I had a cohort of people telling me that I was right and doing the right thing and I found it useful. You are doing the right thing Jane!

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany

Saying your mantra for the first time almost made me cry. I’m going to keep saying it til it sinks in.

I think people constantly reinforcing what you already know is vital in this situation, otherwise, certain individuals get back in your head and your start doubting yourself.

Sorry you went through a tough time but like you say, totally worth it!

Thanks again x

[Tiffany]

Your welcome. It’s a good mantra. It is not selfish or wrong to want to be happy. And it is definitely right to try and live without fear and anxiety. It’s hard when your partner has spent years convincing you that you are the selfish one, but you really aren’t.

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany

Again, spot on as always 🙂

I’ve become quite good at seeing through his words and seeing the truth now. I am not selfish. I have a list as long as my arm (maybe even longer than that) of the things I have done for him. His list is not even half the size of mine. Anything he does HAS to benefit him too or he won’t do it. Selfish b*****d!!

I am looking forward to the day when I don’t get called disrespectful, selfish or worst of all, lazy.

[Tiffany]

And if you ever brought this up with him he would tell you that you are a bad person for comparing, that you didn’t love him truly if you were keeping scores, and that you had forgotten all the marvellous things he did for you – usually one thing about 4 months ago that you didn’t actually want him to do… Ah, I remember it well. Seems utterly insane that I accepted it now I am out, but I remember it none the less.

[Janedoeissad]

My partner would not try to defend himself. He’d just simply tell me to f*ck off and that would begin hours of him being angry at me. Then the accusations would start. I’d end up apologising and telling him I didn’t mean it just to restore order.

I can’t believe I put up with it. Even mid arguement I’m thinking “this is insane! Tell him you’ve had enough and your leaving”….then I give in for the millionth time and the cycle continues.

Sorry if I’ve asked you this before Tiffany but from the moment you decided you were definitely going how long did it take you to leave. Weeks? Months? Years?

[Author]

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