Has anyone else lost their extended family after leaving abuse?

[dancingdaisy]

Despite witnessing some of the abuse and being sympathetic at the time, now that I’ve spoken out about the abuse and left my ex, all my in-laws have suddenly cut me and DC off completely. I know they are his blood not mine but aside from me losing a huge part of my family (can’t believe I’ll never see my nieces and nephews again, I love them so much) my child has lost their grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. I feel bereft, so upset. And really sad for the kids (the cousins too, who now have no contact with them, they are just kids it’s not fair) As if the abuse wasn’t hard enough to deal with on its own we’ve now got this on top.
We are NC with my ex due to the nature of the abuse but I was very close to some of the other people who are now saying we are lying. I know it’s my ex doing it and he must have told them lies about us but I just don’t know how to move on from this. It’s like grieving 50 times over. It’s awful.

[Bananaboat]

Yes, been 100% ghosted by his family. No loss to me but harsh on the kids. Remember he has to be seen as the victim so will have told a story to paint him as that and you as having ‘done’ all this to him. It’s hard on you especially as you say, not getting to say goodbye but it’s easier in some ways having that clean break, seeing that side of the family as not loyal to you and removes a potential leak back to your ex. We can’t control what others believe, use your strength and energy to focus on you xx

[KIP.]

Yes plus my own son and step daughter cut me out their lives after I reported their father to the police. He left me no choice. It’s really painful I know but you have your child and you need to rebuild away from the abuser and his flying monkeys x

[Tea-and-biscuits]

Hi its happening to me at the min. I was extremely close to hubby’s family due to him been co trolling only ever mixed with his family. I like to think they know what’s going on but feel obliged to side with there soon which I get.. luckily this hopefully won’t effect my kids as my husband is no threat to them so will keep good contact but its a shame as I thought of hos.family as my family. But I have excepted it and decided if they Contact me great . If not then that’s there choice. I’m lucky my nephews are grown up so rarely see them anyway so they won’t be bothered. Unfortunately blood is thicker then water. I think I’d side withy kids even if they were wrong. It’s your instinct. Not right but it happens.

[gettingtired]

Yes it’s typical enablers and flying monkeys protecting the perpetrator. Some may be well meaning and prefer to believe his version of events or not want to cross him etc but nevertheless it’s still very wrong. My own Dad did the same when my Mum left him (thank god she did), he played the big man child victim and made sure to get everyone on his side and ensure she was vilified. I know for a fact my ‘partner’ will do exactly the same when I eventually do leave him. His family will also blame and turn against me but I know that they know deep down what he’s really like and will be afraid to cross him. They’ll also be annoyed because they know that once I’m out of the picture that they’ll be taking the full force of his abuse.
I know this must be really hard for you but please keep strong and no contact. Maybe one day these family members will come to their senses and realise the truth but until then, as Kip said, you need to protect yourselves xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi dancingdaisy

I am sorry that you have to suffer emotionally for this on top of what you’ve already been through.

When you marry, you marry the whole family don’t you! Same when you divorce sadly. Certainly not always, but where there are allegations of DA for one of their family members to side with you (even if they have seen and agree that he’s been abusive to you) may risk losing all their family by siding with you and keeping contact.

Sadly, with abuse, its one of the very difficult things to accept, that he will attempt to destroy your character and will bad-mouth you to anyone who will hear. You will find out who your true allies are, and they will be all the more precious to you because of it.

Once you accept that this is what he will do, which takes time to fully appreciate the full impact of splitting from him because of abuse, you will be able to move through it. It is a very painful part of the process, the separations between the two families, and yes, the children will struggle to understand and also feel it. In the long run, it will be better to have cut all contact, as painful as that is, because you need complete separation from all the abuse and drama around it and to live quietly with your child in your own honest and safe space together, the families will readjust and you may find when the dust has settled that some may try to reconnect, you never know. For the immediate now, this is probably whats needed, but you don’t know what the future holds, and ifthey come forward toward you at a later date you will know that those are the ones worth keeping a link with. Just be very sure that they approach for the right reasons. This separation ripples out to many family members, but it will calm down. You need to look to the longer term perspective to help you manage.

much strength to you for this difficult time of grief for the losses his abuse has brought to you all.

warmest wishes

ts

[dancingdaisy]

Thank you all for your replies. It is SO hard. I don’t regret escaping the relationship, he was making our lives hell, but I miss my family so much. It’s like my heart being pulled out all over again. My child keeps asking when he can (detail removed by moderator), I don’t know how to explain this.

bananaboat that’s exactly right, they have said we have ‘done’ all this to him. Truth is he’s upset because he lost control of us and has been found out as a rapist and abuser. His actions. Not ours.

kip I’m so sorry your own kids cut you off I can’t imagine how painful that is, how awful. My child knows the truth because sadly he was abused by him too but doesn’t know everything what he did to me and I never want him to know.

tea and biscuits yes Id side with my child no matter what but they even saw some of it and were shocked at the time but now minimising it saying I’m exagerating. It’s like he’s rewritten their brains!

getting tired love your name! Yes I hope one day they will come to their senses, I know he is controlling them now like he controlled me

TS I hadnt thought about it like that, that the ones who know the truth won’t want to be cut off from their family by staying in touch with us. What do you mean by the right reasons? That’s it’s not to say something horrible that he’s told them? Because we’ve already had that 🙁

[Twisted Sister]

Hi dancingdaisy

What do you mean by the right reasons? That’s it’s not to say something horrible that he’s told them? Because we’ve already had that

yes, exactly that, that their motivations for getting in touch with you are genuine connection and concern for you and your DC. Not to information gather, or spy. Do it slowly, meet outdoors for play dates for limited times and take your time checking they are really worthy of your trust. time and energy.

warmest wishes

ts

[peppa-pig]

My exes family never got in touch, they have never even met my child .. there loss

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