Has anyone else met another man whilst still in their abusive relationship?

[gettingtired]

Hello everyone,

I’ll try to keep details brief so this isn’t too specific.

I met a guy through work (detail removed by moderator) years back but he was only temporary staff so would always come back then leave again etc. I always liked him but these recent months I began to really see him in a romantic way as I am so attracted to him. He is so respectful of women, has amazing energy, has so much in common with me, (BTW I know most abusers come across as amazing at first!! but he wasnt trying to date me because both of us are in relationships so I know he was just being genuine).
We definitely had a connection and I could just tell he liked me too. Nothing was said/nothing happened but you know when you can just tell you like one another….
We’ve kind of stayed in touch online (again nothing flirty, no cheating or anything) just general chat.

My issue is.. am I clinging on to this in the hope I might be able to be with him one day when I’ve left my abusive relationship?
Would I not find the strength to leave if I hadn’t met him?
I know I’m massively jumping the gun and nothing may come of it in the future. But I cant stop thinking about him and imagining a future with him. I know after an abusive relationship you always need time to heal, be alone and recover so I would need to do this.
I just think about him everyday. Am I deluding myself? Trying to escape my reality? I do genuinely really like him.

He wasn’t ever disrespectful about his current girlfriend but I could tell as he’s young (a bit younger than me) he wasn’t exactly settling with her for the rest of his life.

I think I’ve just always felt like my abusive partner is my soul mate, the only one for me, no one understands me like him, never met anyone I really like the same as him etc then I’ve met my colleague who has given me hope/changed the way I see things..

Just to add I’m no longer at my work (redundancy) so I’m not working with him anymore.

On top of everything else I just feel so guilty or like I’m acting crazy because of my situation so I’m clutching at straws?!

On top of this I’m feeling massive guilt for even thinking this behind my partner’s back! Even though he is very abusive.

Has anyone else met someone who they really liked whilst still in their abusive relationship?

[KIP.]

Ive met a few men throughout my abusive relationship that I know I was attracted to but never acted on it. Just know that you are extremely vulnerable because of abuse. You’re emotions are all mixed up. Nothing wrong with keeping in touch with him but you need to keep your emotions under check and also think about what would happen to him/you if your abuser suspected anything. Keep working towards freedom, that’s your first step to recovery. I used to dream of a knight in shining armour rescuing me. Be your own knight in shining armour x

[gettingtired]

Thanks KIP, I know this is the problem that it’s a very vulnerable time. I don’t understand why I’m so fixated, I even dream about him!! I guess I warmed to him so much because he was so nice to me and we had so much in common x

[Buddy]

I have been in your situation a male acquaintance who picked up many years ago that I wasn’t myself , so I told him everything .. he was so lovely to me that I started to fall for him as he was chatting g through my marriage with me , something my husband doesn’t do ever .
I think about him every day and long to be with him. He has feelings for me also , but won’t act on it until I leave my husband .
I used to think that I was making the abuse up in my head to be with him and leave my marriage , now I know he is a product of my marriage .
I have never looked at another man , but when I started to get sick and tired of my husbands behaviour I fell for him .
This has been going on fo (detail removed by moderator) years and we are still in contact ( he is single) it’s like we can’t let each other go .
This does add to the confusion massively , defo not the best situation but at the same time he has given me an insight into how lovely someone should be .. but who knows what he would be like years down the line ..
this is what worries me , jumping from frying pan into fire x

[gettingtired]

Thanks Buddy, that’s interesting. Sounds like this man has waited around for you which from an outside point of view looks really nice. Although like you said it’s always a bit of a worry what they may end up in years to come!
Having said that looking back where I thought my abusive partner was so wonderful, mature, not like other men, special etc I can now see the warning signs and things that weren’t right. So you’d think we would be better at seeing the signs and picking out genuine men after an abusive relationship… The guy from work has taken responsibility for his mental health (something that is always a massive deal with my partner who doesn’t), works and takes responsibility financially (again my partner doesn’t)..
But at the same time I can see how it looks from the outside that it might be another abuser looking for prey and that any decent man would do those things without it seeming amazing to us..
I even dream about him!!!
Do you think you will ever be with him? x

[KIP.]

When you’re in an abusive relationship, almost anyone who is nice to you makes you feel special. I definitely read more into things than these men did. We are starved of niceness which makes us easy prey x that’s why time out is needed to get our heads straight. I’ve been through recovery so I know the phases. My ex picked a victim of domestic abuse whose husband had been removed by the police as the woman to rub my nose in it with. She was ever so vulnerable and he went straight for her and no doubt in my mind she’s paying for it now. He played the knight in shining armour. These men can smell out vulnerable women and know how to play them x

[Lemonlove]

I think it’s quite normal to yearn for a man we feel will treat us better. I’ve definitely done it before. I would just be wary that even though you feel this man may be close to perfect there’s also the possibility you’ve built him up to be that way in your head for a bit of escapism.

[gettingtired]

Thanks lemonlove, you’re right I have probably built things up a bit as a form of escapism. I even started thinking I wonder what his bad points are, I bet they’re nothing like my partner’s abusive behaviours blah blah. But until you’re in a relationship with someone you really dont know. I’ll have to try and put him out of my mind x

[Author]

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