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I took mine back after a 6 month break, endured (detail removed by moderator) further years can u believe, been out for good for (detail removed by moderator) mnths now.
Everyone’s different and who are we as strangers to say either way…
but bare in mind- when they lost control and grasp of u, they will do Mr Nice real good to get their feet back under the table. Once settled it unravels again. -
Mine didn’t seek help and to be honest I didn’t call him out really – I didn’t label his behaviour but this was over a decade ago and we’re a lot wiser as a society today.
We got back together after a year apart – I am about to leave again (at last!) It didn’t get better, in fact it got worse. I was daft to think it would be ok but I loved him – still do but I can’t do it anymore.
My advice would be if you really want to see if the therapy has worked, date him for a long time, keep a diary to note anything that makes you uncomfortable and check in with it. If all’s good after ….18 months?? then maybe you’ll be one of the luck ones that get the fella you thought you were getting. But if in doubt, love yourself first and move on. Hope this helps x*x
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Have you ready Lundy Bancroft- why does he do that. This man is a saviour. He’s worked with abusive men for over 30 years and out of 2000 cases he has a 2% success? rate. They will portray my nice guy until they get what they want, but watch out, that ba..ard is just under the surface waiting to pounce. Sometimes we have to go back to make sure, if you do, keep posting and keep learning. We are only human, and if I could be 100% sure my oh had changed I’d go back, but I know he hasn’t, never mind the times he’s told me he can’t change!!!
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
You’ve seen him at his worst and his worst is intolerable, so you know this part of him exists now; taking him back says to him he can get away with this behaviour when with you and you will forgive him when he’s nice.
We all have our worst, but other people’s worst is nowhere near as bad as his worst. If things get on top of him or your not doing what he wants then you will see this side to him again.
A loving partner is consistant, not unpredictable, always lets you know what is ok and not ok in a respecftul way, is your number one supporter, emotionally intelligent.
If he can learn to control his emotions and moderate his behaviour / not react from his emotions, grows some maturity then maybe, ‘if’ that is all that is needed, but it may well be that it’s more complex than this. I know this is beyond him in our case, that it’s really not possible for him to develop this, he’s kind of hard wired, however nice he can be, it’s always just below the surface and he will lash out with angry delusions, blame, blame, blame, abuse and a twisted, warped logic – that doesnt even make sense half the time. He reacts from his emotions everytime.
Do yourself a favour and don’t look back; I really don’t think it’s worth the risk do you? It’s a high risk, not a low risk because you know how bad it can be and the odds are in favour it will be like this again. Its no different to crossing your fingers and hoping you will win something really. He had his chance and he blew it, while you’re going over old ground with him you’re not healing nor are you available to others; surround yourself with those who love and respect you and always treat you right.
He no doubt has many reasons to want to be with you, have a good think about what these are, then list the reasons why you want to be with him, think you’ll find one is much longer than the other, that life is much better for him with you in it, but when he’s in your life the same can not be said at all x
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I gave mine a second chance because he claimed to be seeking help and was less volatile. The amount of time before the abusive tendencies were showing through was measured in weeks, not months. I left and don’t regret it.
There are a few things I would try to ask yourself. Firstly how long he was abusive for, and how long he has managed to appear changed? My guess is that the abuse went on far longer than the appearance of improvement. The next thing would be whether he is pressuring you to allow him to return? If he is, then he is still attempting to control you, just through different means, and I would be very worried about the potential for escalation if you allowed him back. Particularly as when my partner “got help” he basically just upgraded to more subtle means abuse, which could take a long time to notice, particularly when you are used to abuse, but which none the less tighten his control.
I would also ask, do you really want to forgive the past, and do you think you could forget it. I am still learning to deal with the legacy of abuse years on, in a relationship with a man who has never been abusive to me. I still find myself on high alert when my boyfriend is stressed at work, even though he has never before so much as uttered across word to me as a result of stress. I still associate stress in my partner with abuse, and feel like I have to run around making his favourite food, agreeing to everything he might want or say and generally attempting to be his best possible partner. I am gradually breaking myself of these habits. But I couldn’t even have started to recover and learn more healthy relationship responses if I had stayed with my abuser. Even if he had never laid another finger on me, or said another unkind word I would have been walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. And honestly, he wasn’t going to go through the rest of his life not saying unkind things to me. I would never have recovered.
Basically my take would be that if you have kids together (the only reason that you might have to stay in some level of contact for long periods of time) and you have been out a couple of years and his behaviour has remained impeccable all this time, he isn’t pressuring you to get back together, and you have recovered from the abuse somewhat, and you want to give things another go, then I might take the risk… Key word here is “might”. If he is pressuring you to let him return, because he is “fixed” after a period of days, weeks, or a couple of months, then I would run for the hills. He could always control his behaviour – abusers choose who to abuse and when to abuse. He can appear the perfect partner to lure you back in, and then carry on the abuse where he left off – with the additional tool of the fact you left which gives him (in his head) greater spying rights, and you less freedom to go out alone (because poor man, he’s so afraid you might leave again). Once he is monitoring your every move the other a use can start up again, and it is far harder to get away again.
Basically after years on this forum I have heard many success stories from women who left. Mine was one of them. I think I read about one woman whose husband had managed several years without abuse, but who remained on eggshells around her husband. Pretty much everyone else who returned ended up in a situation of continuing and usually escalating abuse.
To my mind, it just isn’t worth the risk. My suggestion would be to cut contact with him, and start focusing on rebuilding your life.
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