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I went back a number of times. Each time it took less time with things being peaceful and him repentant to get back to abusive, and with more intense venom and rages and longer stonewalling to punish anything I said or did that he didn’t like.
I finally accepted that if he was ever going to change it was only going to be to get worse.
GR
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Yes – numerous times things that you come to realise is the brain washing and training they have done on you makes you think your to blame or even partially to blame. Truth is it’s them completely them and the longer you spend wasting time the more you have a moment of realisation and it hits you that they have so many problems. None of which you can help them with they are very complex characters. It’s sad but it’s true.
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Don’t they say it takes on average 7 times to leave for good? I’ve definitely ended it and caved for another chance, regretting it very soon after. As others have said they put on the charm, be good for a few weeks then back you go, abusive increases and your leaving is thrown at you whenever they can.
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Hi we can do this
Yes I rang him even with an ro in place and although I have not met up with him I now have constant calls and haven’t got the strength to block him , and yes the abuse has got worse 😡 I will have to do something because I have ruined my own life with what I’ve done, they never change and I should have known this x
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i went back after (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and the abuse was much worse. I was pregnant and lost the baby due to his abuse. Me holding his baby was not enough for him to change it actually made him more angry and sinister towards me.
every single time i left and came back he got more dangerous towards me physically and emotionally.
these relationships never ever work and its so hard to leave. when i left for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks for the first time it was sad and hard but my final time leaving (6th time) i felt like i was dying without him i wanted to run back to him but i knew he was dangerous.every time you leave and go back you lose a piece of yourself and it gets even harder to leave.. its like walking into a death trap.
things never get better with these men and they never change.
when i left loads of people told me im lucky because im free. i didnt feel free i felt like i lost the love of my life. as months pass by without hearing his voice i feel like i can do my hair the way i want to without him forcing me to change it, i can wear makeup if i want to, i can speak to my friends and family again, i can aspire to be anything i want to, i can go to the shops by myself. i wasnt allowed to do any of those things.
thats freedom. you get freedom and safety leaving an abuser it gets better 🙂 -
Yes, I went back so many times. It was only after I left for good that I realised that, while the first couple of times I went back was because he cried his eyes out and swore it would never happen again, after that I found it difficult to say no because I was absolutely terrified of him. I think those times were the hardest because I wasn’t going back thinking anything was going to change, or that it might be better.
His remorse in those situations dried up pretty quickly too. It went from swearing it would never happen again to it being something all couples go through (all couples have “rows”, which is how he would refer the physical violence) and I should stop being so sensitive about it.
Whilst leaving was very difficult to organise and see through, it was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
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Couple times I was ready to leave and told him I am leaving because I can no longer take the abuse. Oh you should have seen those tears and sweet promises/lies. And I did believe it. The first time he managed to stay calm for maybe a week or two. Then it went down to just couple days. I was ready to leave couple days ago. But after speaking to couple of his female family members, we all agreed to wait until he goes away and if needed they will help me to pack myself. As they understand what I am going through (There are patterns for men being EXTREMELY abusive in his family, and men hating women for no reason.)
I am just worried because I know when I will leave he will be trying to contact everyone I know (Won’t be able to contact me because I am going to block him) But I am just praying I do not get to that ‘feeling sorry for him’ stage and start contacting him again. I swear to god I will have to ask one of my family members to take my phone away from me until it all passes.
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My firm belief (after lots of research, advise, and experience – my own and other people’s) is that abusers don’t change. Ever.
My exs mum told me that every relationship he had over the years went the sane way,and the Clair’s Law disclosure backed that up. So he hadn’t ever changed from the age of 20 to middle age.
Are you feeling that there’s a reason why things would be different with your ex after months or years?
GR
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I don’t know if there’s a feeling or just hope. I find that maybe it would be enough time for things to have more likelihood of changing? Like this person had enough time to really think about what has happened, maybe heal from it too in a way and work on themselves. If I actually have proof of this? No more than their words and perception. Their different way of looking at certain things (e.g. my ex used to be so job-averse, and he has been working now for a little while part-time and saying he enjoys going to work every day for a lot of different reasons, and seems more motivated about a lot of things). So I did wonder if there’s anyone that actually had an experience of going back after a *long* time, and if that made any difference.
BUT, I am aware of that wide belief that they don’t change. I find it really difficult to integrate, though, like it’s difficult for me to believe he would just keep doing something that clearly had no benefit. Though I guess he did it for many years.
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I went back after (detail removed by moderator) months thinking losing me would have made him sit and think about his behaviour, stop drinking etc , promised me he had , didn’t want to lose me blah , blah , blah . It was the worst thing and the best thing I did . The abuse got worse , manipulative, threatening behaviour, drinking constantly this went on for a further (detail removed by moderator) months with me ending it numerous times then finally I saw it for what it was and his verbal abuse , threats didn’t work anymore, the love I thought I had still for him hanging by a thread was gone . So for me yes I put myself back in the situation for a further (detail removed by moderator) months of heartbreak , but the positive was I was over him and I knew this time my decision was final it was over , that Iam happy for . In answer to anyone thinking of going back , don’t as it never gets better and all you are doing is condoning abusive behaviour , they never keep their word and can’t change , they just use different tactics to keep you on the hook x
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Yes, too many times.
I’ve always regretted it pretty much straight away but then felt obliged to stay because he was being so nice. Then it would start to slowly build up, then he would blow and it would be worse than the last time and the more I stayed the more the abuse would intensify and the time beween the blow ups would be less.
It’s very hard to not go back because they make us believe we need them, my whole body wants nothing more than to be with him. It’s hard to tell ourselves that we can’t listen to our own body and heart, that they are wrong but it is because it’s been trained by him to feel this way. With time and support it will get easier, we have to claim back our own mind and heart, to change our mindset completely. What you are feeling is completely normal but you have to fight them feelings because he will never change. Every word he says and everything he does is just another play for him, theres no meaning behind it ither than to regain control and get what he wants which is you back.
The longest I left was for (detail removed by Moderator) months before I went back and it was the biggest mistake I ever made.
I’m determined this time to never go back
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I find this really interesting – is it most normal for abusers to tell you they’ve changed, that things will be better, in order to get you back? My husband is still in denial that there was ever anything wrong. He more or less says straight out that I was imagining things – I was so unhappy because I had some sort of breakdown.
What does this do to me? It makes me wonder whether it was, indeed, all me.
Is mine the only abuser who hasn’t apologised and begged for forgiveness?
I was thinking this on reading the “sorry but” thread. I’m not sure I have heard the word “sorry” cross my husband’s lips.
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I think that’s just another strategy. If you check the pattern of abuse you’ll also see the “discard” phase, and that can be the abuser discarding you and moving on. It seems like your husband is just gaslighting you to not admit to the wrong-doing, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t do the “hoovering” eventually.
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Yes, sometimes hours or days later, other times months.
The last time we got back together was months later (he had moved out). I would have got back within weeks but he didn’t want to at the time (I do think back and wonder if this was actually yet another control tactic because he was also still messaging me regularly and coming back up home on the weekend). I had pretty much come to terms and had thought then it had been emotional abuse (in fact I’d said this to him before we broke up – and didn’t I come to regret saying that!). When he asked to get back together and I agreed, I could feel the anxiety and regret almost immediately, almost petrified I’d made a stupid decision, but quashed it. It only stayed “good” again for about a month.
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