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Hello
I am new here and recently posted my story. Due to job circumstances, I ended up loaning my ex partner money throughout our (detail removed by moderator) abusive relationship. The other day when he was in an ultimate rage he came up to my face and told me not to expect any money back from him. I told him that I was passed the point of wanting it back because I’m too exhausted. Ten minutes later he is sobbing in my arms apologising and asking me if I would ever think he wouldn’t return the money via direct debit each month when he shortly gets paid from his new job. In total I spent around £(detail removed by moderator) getting him back up on his feet with a new flat, running him to job interviews and a car which was scrapped after a few weeks anyway due to a fault before we bought it! I’m currently in the stage of no contact for a few days which he is abiding by (After asking me for money (detail removed by moderator)!!) I said no of course. However we are due to speak at the weekend in which I’m planning to tell him it’s definitely over. I’m ready for the blaming and threats. But has anyone actually been given money back if you lent it out to them? My ex is a supposed spiritual and god man…alongside intimidation and aggression which he can turn on and off. Thank you x
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Welcome spiritandhope,
You are in the right place here on this Forum for the behaviours you are dealing with your ex. Firstly you can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. If he says he will give you back the money, he will probably do the opposite. The only reason he says he will is to keep up contact with you. He doesn’t want the relationship to end as he can continue to hurt you (and they like doing that) and he’s hoping he can continue to get money out of you.
I definitely would not see him at the weekend. No good will come of it for you. You will come out worse whether he is nasty or not nasty. If he’s not nasty he is manipulating you, pretending so he can continue to have a relationship with him so he can use you. If he’s nasty like shouting in your face again, you will feel weakened and of course this is unacceptable behaviour.
You don’t need to tell him its definitely over. Show him with your actions (by continuing No Contact) rather than tell him face to face. They are at there most dangerous when we are planning to remove ourselves from the abusive relationship. He won’t want to go to the energy of breaking in a new intimate partner. Its easier for him to keep abusing you. Because of your nature (like me and the other ladies on here), you aren’t like his kind (abusers), you don’t think like him at all, you are kind, generous, give people the benefit of the doubt, believe them when they say they will do things, make excuses when they shout etc so you’ll need to come on here a lot and read the posts so you can stay away from him. Abusers are very cunning, baffling and powerful. We can’t deal with them on our own, but we can by using the wisdom and experiences from this Forum.
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Hi, I believe I’ve just replied to another one of your posts on here.
In answer to your question, no I’ve never received a single penny back from my ex (whether that be from the money I used to financially support him, or the money he stole from me.)
On another note, just before the abusive relationship I was in ended, my ex walked out and I didn’t let him back. I met him in his hometown a few days later, hoping to straighten everything out and finish things for good. At first he was sobbing and apologetic, then became incomprehensible, and from there became very angry. He began to scream at me in the middle of the street, and only stopped when someone he knew noticed him. I think that day helped me realise that it had been an abusive relationship and made me resolve to never go back. But it also showed me that when he was running out of options, he became more dangerous. Like a cornered animal.
If you do choose to meet your ex as you’d planned, please make sure you’re safe (and you can definitely still decide not to see him.) He’s probably going to use every trick in the book to try and get you back, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up about getting any money back from him.
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I lost several thousand to my ex. He was still trying to squeeze me for money after I left. And if you met him the would tell you that I screwed him over financially. The thing about these guys is that they actually believe that they are entitled to your money. The world is unfair to them and so they are owed money from the women in their lives. We shouldn’t have money when they don’t! It’s utterly mad of course. But I wouldn’t hold up much hope of getting the cash back without involving a lawyer – and by the sounds of it the loan was on an unofficial basis, so you might not have much luck in that route either.
Personally I would cut my losses and go no contact – that’s what I did. I don’t regret it. If you do meet him I would make sure you do it in a public place – somewhere where if he threatens you someone will call the police. And where you can leave without him following you. Busy cafe on a busy street is ideal. And if you maintain contact to try and get the money back then at the very least cut contact down to a single mode – email is probably best as it is less disruptive than phone and text, but doesn’t give him your address like snail mail would.
Stay safe!
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Hi SpiritandHope,
I am owed a substantial amount of money by my ex too. I can really relate to what other ladies said – he acted as if he was entitled to my money.
When he is in his ‘nice’ state, he always acknowledges the debt and promises to give it back. But only now, several months after separation, he started to get on track with the maintenance payments (we have children). So to be honest, I do not expect to get my money back, not any time soon at least. I’d be just glad to get the maintenance payments for now.
Overall, I can understand the trickiness of the situation when all you really want to do is go no contact but you feel that then you definitely won’t get anything back.
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I lent my ex a very large amount of money. I had just been made redundant and it was to secure a future that he told me was for us both. He told me that he would give it me back as he has a very highly paid career and was due an inheritance.
I got nothing after he left me homeless and I had lost my job because of the results of abuse. (I was ‘made redundant’ because I was often ill and emotionally unstable). He has a lovely home (which I organised and did all of the administration for), it is well furnished (I bought a lot of the furniture including the white goods) and a very high income.
Financial abuse is often part of these relationships
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