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I didn’t keep a journal throughout the years however, I was wondering has anyone ever written everything they remember? Like an incident here, a word there? Of course most of it cannot be dated and I’m not sure I would show anyone anyway, but it’s something I’ve considered even if it’s just to remind me of why I need(ed) out and to keep on the right track?
On another note – I had such a good day today, back to work 🙂 however, I got home to dishes left on the drainer, washing in the dryer and clothes on the bed waiting for me to put away 🙁 felt like crying! It’s only small but when I got home from a long day all I wanted was to spend time with my child (which wouldn’t be a lot of time) but nope time had to be spent doing other things – really annoys because when HES working I dont leave anything for him to do! Rant over! Lol!
Anyway is a list a good thing to do?
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Hi there!
YES!this is exactly what I’ve done! There have been so so many incidents over the years which through because of the cycle of abuse and love bombing I forgot about , but i noticed since hitting the realisation phase a few weeks back and making contact on here with the lovely women giving their support and guidance i have noticed lots of these incidents have come flooding back to me, and I find myself remembering more. My memory got so bad and I’m still young , I would forget my pin or forget why I came into rooms or I would be in the middle of a conversation at work and completely forget what I was on about. Start making that journal! Scribble down bits you remember, I bullet pointed mine, on one page I titled names Ive been called and listed all I could remember, its very raw but for me its giving me strength reading it over and over. Any little thing I’ve written down however big or small xx
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This is it! Before recently (until I ‘woke up’) I didn’t know to write it down, I didn’t even know it was something that SHOULD be written down!
Thank you, I am defiantly going to write a list of things I remember! I have years of it! I remember thinking at one point that “if I wrote a diary one day it could be a best seller book” (wish I had done it now)
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Yes, I wrote bits and bobs down once I realised it was abuse. Before that I didn’t but like Beautifulday I’ve read things on here that have made me think OMG he did that to me.
I think it’s a really good idea to write stuff down if you can keep it secure. I wrote things on my iPad because he needed the passcode to access it. He got into the habit of sneaking up behind me when I put my passcode in though so I had to change it regularly.
You don’t have to put the dishes away, empty the drier or put your clothes away. If you want to be with your daughter you can be with her and leave everything else until you feel ready. Don’t worry, when you do feel ready the jobs will still be there, they’re not going anywhere (unfortunately) xx
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Do it lovely, start when you feel strong enough. Make sure though if its on paper to keep it well hidden. From the point I started making my journal I now date and time every incident. It may sound stupid but they soon start mounting up! And you can look back at them when you do well for me personally I felt sickened, I felt ashamed ashamed of the fact that my Mother brought me up to be a strong independent women, i have a good job so how on earth have I been tolerating it. It really does lay it all bare and gives you the perspective of someone outside looking in which you don’t get when you are deep in an abusive relationship. Let me know how you get on xx
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Hi, yes I started doing this about 6 months ago.
I would record in it most days with updates on his behaviour and how I feel.
I also started recording on back of the book any previous events/situations and once I started writing so much cake flooding back to me.
I started the book because I know when I do eventually leave, if I ever feel the urge to come back I’m going to look in the book and remember how he made me feel daily.
I’m currently working from home so I have the book hidden amongst the boring work books!
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Thank you, I’m going to take some time when I am able to write everything I remember… I have recently started a list of interactions – what’s happened, when and time, how I’ve felt but I think I’m going to try and take it all the way back (best as I can – there’s so much to remember and some stuff I’m only just realising was part of it)
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Have you read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. That was an eye opener for me. So many parts of it were reflected in my own life. I had no idea quite how extensive the abuse was until I read that.
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Writing things down and keeping a record is the most important thing I have done for clarity and motivation aside from joining this forum and reading/educating myself about abuse and manipulation. Last year I kept a diary because the gas lighting was so severe I had to for my own sanity. I deleted it in a panic but I was still with him then. This is the worse I have felt in my life. From capable and practical I have gone to overwhelmed and full of anxiety, terror and panic. Writing helps me to ground and clarify what the hell has happened to me. I created a spreadsheet but you can use a notebook with dividers. I have password protected mine. I update it every day, add to it, tick off tasks, spill my thoughts and what I have learned from reading and the internet and also make sure I record the progress I am making. Each page is named a different topic like ‘abuse journal’ ‘diary’ ‘money’ ‘health’ ‘tasks’ ‘professional help/books”read this when you miss him’ ‘good things’ etc. It has everything I remember – lots blanked out and confused but what I can dredge up from my memory goes in there. I sub-headed the abuse journal to ‘physical’ ‘intimidation/threats’ ‘coercive control’ ’emotional/mental’ ‘verbal’ etc with examples and I screenshot messages wherever possible. It takes time. Then I have a column which says ‘how did I feel’ the effect on me mentally/physically -terror or fear etc. Then ‘what happened next’ which includes my reactions, usually broken down to fight, flight, freeze or fawn to be honest and I’m not proud of some reactions but that was then, I didn’t even know it was abuse. Hoovering or apologies, promises of change or silent treatment or whatever. I list all my tasks in there from changing passwords, sorting my debts, cancelling subscriptions, getting counselling, sorting belongings etc. ‘Good things’ is all the plans, dreams and things I will do in the future (like the puppy fund!). I am making progress and that motivates me to stick with my ‘good things’ plans when he is hoovering and smearing and I feel low and in pain. There is nothing like writing things in a spreadsheet to take the emotion out of the situation too!
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This is what I was thinking of doing… sub-heading things into different categories. I am keeping a log atm under a pretense name of things that are happening currently and how I feel. But I need to go back – I think I’m going to have a long way to go back too 🙁 but since reading on here there are things I didn’t even realise were under the abuse! X
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Beautifulday I feel you when you say you feel sick and ashamed. Me too thats one of my biggest hurdles to overcome especially because he turned me into a paranoid, ‘crazy’ woman who lashed out, begged, pleaded, ran away and argued back but it is not my fault. I am not to blame. I was manipulated, conditioned and humiliated. The addiction is the thing to work on. Coming off the addiction to the Dominator. I guess we have to forgive ourselves if we are going to heal. Living with the dominator and Pat Craven’s books are spot on. Reading Covert N********t by Grace Lewis at the moment – it is really enlightening.
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Morning!
Thats Brilliant wise after! There was so much I couldn’t remember but I’ve been having lots of flashbacks recently, even the other day when I was in the supermarket reaching for something on the shelf out of the blue an incident in which I was physically hurt popped into my head then a flood of other things, i dont know if I’m suffering with a bit of ptsd? Has this happened to anyone else? .. back to the journal its the best thing I’ve started as like the other lady has said it grounds me and makes me realise I’m not crazy or insane.
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You are all doing brilliantly by writing/keeping notes whilst you are there. It really will help when you get out.
I was thinking the other day that it would be really good if a site like Women’s Aid had a safe place where you could sign on and keep a diary/log of events safely.
If you have children, it will be particularly important for family court if you end up there.
For others, it may well be when you get out that you find the strength and actually want to report it, regardless of where it goes and whether it gets proven, it is then logged officially. The more women that can do so, even though the process can be frustrating and disappointing- it is an official log and so if anyone else experiences it in the future, they will have our support through this disclosure. There is hope in that for me anyway. -
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