Has he abused me or have I abused him? He says he needs me. What do I do?

[Randomwoman]

(detail removed by moderator) years ago I was going through a very traumatic breakup of a (detail removed by moderator) we had a home together and were due to get married (detail removed by moderator) months before things got seriously bad between us. I was dealing with delayed ptsd from historical sexual and psychological abuse from my childhood, and things between me and my partner ended with me developing long term psychosis (detail removed by moderator)

When I came out of hospital and was recovering I worked in a (detail removed by moderator) a few hours a week to try and get back to normal. I was trying my best to stay sane and started doing courses. The hotel was mainly for contractors working nearby or people with homelessness issues (I’d stayed there myself after my relationship ended, before getting my own place).

One night a bloke approached me after he had bought a drink, as I was sat down to carry on with my courses on my laptop, to ask me if he could sit with me. We got chatting and quickly got onto the conversation of our pasts and what we had both been through. He was in a situation with his ex and trying to see his children. I felt sorry for him, he seemed lovely and we seemed to have a lot in common. (detail removed by moderator)
Soon after that, he ended up living with me for a few weeks before he got his own flat. He’d kissed me a few times in between meeting him and him living with me, and we spoke all day every day and spent time together every night.

We became close really quickly and he introduced me to his kids as soon as he started getting access to them again. I did a lot to help him with his situation because I just wanted him to have the best chance at rebuilding his life for himself and his kids. I was always very clear about the fact that I did not care if we didn’t turn into a couple, I would still be happy to help him as he was my friend and I loved him and the kids so much. He was and is genuinely a brilliant father. I honestly can say that. It was the thing I loved most about him, he genuinely loved his kids and they absolutely adored him.

Very soon after, I became very confused by his behaviour towards me, one minute he was telling me he loved me and could see me in his future, the next he was telling me he was never attracted to me and that I was insane to think he could possible want to be with a woman like me. One minute he was being lovely to me as long as I was running around doing absolutely everything for him and his kids, and the next he was being cruel to me and accusing me of things that weren’t even logical or rational and being emotionally abusive towards me and denying all of his own abusive behaviours and ignoring my apologies and turning things around on me and winding me up and then telling me I can’t control my emotions because I am insane. We had quite a few arguments where I became so emotional and overwhelmed I had to leave. (detail removed by moderator). I have to control my thoughts and am now fully capable of doing so but at the time I wasnt, I didn’t realise how ill I was at the time, I had not even been properly diagnosed yet, but he did realise. He realised how ill I was because he had witnessed me being ill. I didn’t even know what was happening to me but he did. (detail removed by moderator) He was cruel to me when I reached out to him while I was in hospital, and said he didn’t want anything to do with me because I was a danger to him and his children. I never was, and he knew that. His children adored me and I loved them and only ever did my best to help him with feeding them, taking them swimming, and playing with them and showing them love and affection. When I was released from hospital (detail removed by moderator) later, I asked if I could collect some of my belongings without seeing him. When I arrived I asked him to put them by the door and I would get them without seeing him. He invited me in. I felt sorry for him again. He had no shopping in. He said we were okay and still wanted to be friends.

I was only out of hospital for (detail removed by moderator) before being sectioned again after spending (detail removed by moderator) days with him. I was very poorly. I’d done his washing. I had no petrol. I broke down on the way to his place and abandoned my car and walked the rest of the way. I was so poorly. I thought the whole world was a simulation and that my life wasn’t real. When I got there, I was shaking and trembling, (detail removed by moderator)

Again, when I came out another (detail removed by moderator) later, he again somehow got me wrapped up into his life and doing everything for him and making me feel sorry for him and feeling like I couldn’t leave him to deal with everything on his own.

(detail removed by moderator) after I came out of hospital (detail removed by moderator) He was really cruel and abusive to me while we went away for a few days. He regularly asked me for sex or would grab my f***y in the middle of the night but would always deny me any affection, would refuse to kiss me and (detail removed by moderator) When I would get upset after feeling used and hurt, he would tell me I was abusive and sexually harassing him and that I associate love with having sex and that sex doesn’t mean anything and (detail removed by moderator) refusing to accept responsibility for initiating it himself most of the time, and for making me feel like that was what a good woman does for his man, and forgetting the fact that I have told him about my childhood and my ex partner taking advantage of me and then my friend trolling me (all related to sexual abuse). He also forgot that I was still recovering from a serious mental illness. He also invalidated my feelings about it every time I opened up to him about my childhood, and told me he could recite it he’s heard it that many times, and told me he many times I’m not good enough for him and that he can have anyone he wants but doesn’t want anybody.

Somehow he kept making me feel sorry for him and feel like it was me that was the problem.

(detail removed by moderator)

I continued supporting him but was concerned for my safety incase his ex’s claims were real and justified. I requested information using clares law. I found out he had lied to me about his past. I became more concerned about my own situation with him. I answered questions that were asked by the police through a routine process, which later led to him being arrested without me even knowing. In between time, I had messaged him to tell him I no longer wanted any contact and would be blocking his number, that i truly cared for him and that I wanted him to be okay and to be happy. The morning after I was called into the station to make a decision if I want to charge him or not. I didn’t even know they were going to arrest him. I was shocked. I didn’t ask for it. I thought I was just answering questions and having a chat. (detail removed by moderator)

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t and still don’t want to ruin his chances of getting his kids back. They truly love him and need him in their lives. He truly loves them and needs them to. I honestly believe he will either die or live a life of crime, without his children.

(detail removed by moderator)

He has since tried to call me on (detail removed by moderator) separate occasions. The first occasion, he called (detail removed by moderator) times in a row but my phone blocked the calls. I messaged him telling him that I was sorry for everything that had happened and explaining that I did not want him to attempt to make contact again. That was over a week and a half ago.

He has contacted me again (detail removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator) blocked calls. I had a panick attack because I didn’t know why he was contacting, I have even worried about him, but also realising a lot about how abusive he has been towards me since I’ve known him, and realising I cannot allow him back into my life for my own safety and mental health. I asked my mum to message him and tell him not to contact me any more. (detail removed by moderator)

I literally don’t know what to do. I want to be able to help with the kids situation bu giving him a character reference as a father and maybe making a statement about what I have witnessed and what I am aware of about the kids welfare, as an independent person.

But at the same time I am cautious about talking to him directly. I have not unblocked him and do not intend to.

(detail removed by moderator)

Was he really abusing me, or was I abusing him?

Am I supposed to help him now? And if so, how do I do that without getting him in trouble for contacting me again?

I feel so lost. I feel sick with nerves. I love him. I care about him. I want him to be okay. I want him to have his kids, they honestly need him in their lives. I juat want him to be okay.

But I also need to be okay.

What do I do?

[Lisa]

Hello Randomwoman,

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds like you have been through so much and it must all be an incredibly distressing experience.

The behaviour that you are describing from this man is abusive. The way he has treated you is unacceptable and you do not deserve to have gone through this.

There is often quite a common pattern in abusive relationships that begin with a phase of something called ‘love bombing’. This is when someone shows a lot of interest a the beginning of the relationship, they may call or text all the time, want to spend a lot of time together, involve us in their lives and may speak a lot about a future together. Over time, this behaviour changes and the abuser often pulls back emotionally. They may start making derogatory or offensive comments, raise ‘issues’ with our behaviour, or stop communicating for periods of time. However we often hold onto the version of the abuser we saw at the beginning, hoping that this is the ‘real’ version of them, but this isn’t the case, and the abuse unfortunately tends to get worse and escalate over time rather than get better.

It can be difficult to recognise abuse when it is happening, it can be subtle or blamed on us. Abusive men often play the victim very convincingly and can make someone doubt their version of events, or feel a lot of confusion. It can leave us with a sense of responsibility or misplaced loyalty to this person and can cause us to ignore our own needs, mental health and sense of safety.

It’s good to hear that you have managed to escape this relationship, you were completely within your rights to speak with the police about the situation as his behaviour towards you was criminal. You are not responsible for his behaviour, his life choices, or his relationship with his children, although I can hear that feels difficult to acknowledge right now.

It might be important to begin to try and consider yourself and your future, you have already been through so much and I imagine this relationship has had a big impact on your sense of self and confidence.

I’m wondering if it might be useful to connect with your local domestic abuse support service to talk things through. They often offer things like emotional support and counselling if you feel this could be helpful. You can find your nearest service, here.

The Freedom Programme could also be a useful resource for you: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Take care and do keep posting to let us know how you’re doing.
Lisa

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