Has he changed after I said he should go?

[Trueblue]

Bit of a long story, posted this earlier but didnt seem to work. Ive been on and off here for years, was on as different user before. It is classic emotional abuse, constant criticism, not helping at all with childcare but criticising the way i mother, mocking me infront of children, never listening when i speak, everything he says is right etc while i try to hold down a job and he moans if i dont do cleaning and moans if he has to. Anyway, came to a head and i asked him to leave, said that was it had had enough. He cried and begged for me to give him a chance. I reluctantly did after he said he didnt want to go not even for few days so i could think. Since then (detail removed by moderator) he has been the perfect partner, cant fault him at all. Exactly how i want to be treated, with respect, sharing responsibilities and a happy, normal person to be around. No mood swings or getting angry or irritated at the smallest thing. So, im just wondering if this is him having a revelation and i should feel lucky and allow myself to relax as he has said (detail removed by moderator). Or is this something i should be worried about as it may all go wrong again?! I was very scared to be alone and break family apart and felt guilty but i had truly had enough and i’m not sure what to think after all the years of abuse and (detail removed by moderator) of him being great. Will it last?

[KIP.]

No it won’t last. This is the cycle of abuse. The honeymoon period. He will wait till you’re hooked in and the abuse will start again. Just like it always has done. It’s a pattern and once an abuser always an abuser.

[Trueblue]

Oh god i thought you were going to say that KIP. How long can he keep this up? Just feel like im in some strange world waiting. Just delaying the inevitable, i wish id been stronger. I remember you from before KIP when i had another user name, you helped me identify the abuse so thank you. Just need to end this all with him, wasted many years. Just if i make him go now he will blame me, i will be the bad guy. He also has no where to go. Feel so on edge. Had bad anxiety since beginning lockdown which was awful with him. X

[Trueblue]

How do i speed the process up? I feel like if he blows or starts being horrible again im justified to get him out. Quite dangerous i know. Im so confused. Sorry, am really struggling. I rang local helpline and she said perhaps counselling with him will help and perhaps he has changed and questioned my use of the term emotional abuse so doubting myself

[KIP.]

Don’t know who suggested counselling but women’s aid never ever recommend counselling with an abuser. He’s going nowhere until he’s made to. He wouldn’t even respect your wishes to leave for a few days. So he hasn’t changed at all. He’s still manipulating you and refusing to accept your boundaries. He’s been abusing you for years. You don’t need to wait to be abused again. Pick any one of the previous incidents. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. You need to start planning a safe exit plan. Either having him removed if it’s your property that’s a lot easier. If he is entitled to stay there then speak to a solicitor about an occupation order.

[Trueblue]

Yeah that’s what i thought, if he can’t even give me few days space…he said (detail removed by moderator)? And basically refused. We own house together. I got numbers for legal advice for survivors so going to call tomorrow as he will not leave i am sure and i dont want to go. I am almost there and free. Thank you, i thought i wasn’t going mad and that he will just go back to his old ways. It really scares me that he can turn it on and off, is that normal?! Why doesnt he just act normal all the time, it is so upsetting. I need a plan. Very difficult with kids and upheaval this time of year.
I started to realise that just getting through it for the sake of the kids is terrible. Basically a man i work with has been complimenting me and i thought that i deserve to be happy, not necessarily with him but i could find someone nice or just be on my own. I do have to be careful though as i am vulnerable right now and men probably can tell.

[KIP.]

It’s normal for an abuser to be Jeckyl and Hyde. They have no depth of bonding so they can just switch emotions on and off the drop of a hat because they’re not true emotions they’re manipulating. Mine would be crying and begging then smirking when he got his own way. Yes ask around about an occupation order and keep a journal and any evidence you need. Yes you’re still very vulnerable it once you’ve recovered you can think about someone who treats you with respect. You don’t have to settle for a cowardly abuser. You deserve more and your kids deserve a happy stress free mum x all the headspace he’s taking up should be spent bonding with your kids and making lovely memories for the future x

[Trueblue]

Thank you KIP, yeah it is frightening how they just change. Just so upsetting. Thank you, going to call for legal advice and see what they say x

[Author]

Posts