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He honestly seems so different. Im aware i sound bonkers! But he genuinely is being caring, thoughtful, nice and kind and just normal! Has been for a week consistently since i said id leave. Before that he had one slip up in couple months, i perhaps wasnt supportive enough of a new job, he did call me names and tell me to f off but since then he has been ok. Apart from suicide threat and shouting a bit for trying to leave. But…this is quite a long time for him to be nice, i know it isnt that long but overall without the swearing part that is few months. Am i crazy to think he has changed? He admitted he is bully and not nice and now keeps saying im amazing and how he is attracted to me so much and us getting on is how it should be!
Can this happen or am i deluded? Help please. I had everything in place to go, just got scared of his suicide threat and now feel guilty on kids if i leave as he is being great, not abusive.Thank you xx
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It’s so confusing they way abusers change their behaviour on and off like a light switch. It goes to show what good actors they are and that they lack true emotional depth.
Him being nice for the last week is further evidence that he knows very well how to behave when it is in his interest (in this case to make you stay) and was choosing to abuse you when it suited him. Acting like a normal human being is bare minimum behaviour, not something worthy of praise. The abuse makes us happy with crumbs of affection and kindness. In a functional relationship this “good” behaviour would be unremarkable, because it would be the norm, not the exception.
Of course you’re confused, his behaviour is completely crazy-making. The suicide threats are horrendous, that was my abusers go to also. I wish I had phoned the professionals when he did that, which is what I’m going to suggest you do if he does it again.
Only you can decide when it’s right for you to leave but remember; if he could change into mr.niceguy so quickly, he can change back just as fast. Real, sustained change takes years of hard work and professional intervention. What is sadly more likely is once he has drawn you back in the mask will drop and he will revert to type.
Sending big hugs and strength xx
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Sadly I think it’s very unlikely that he has changed. As Hawthorn said, that takes sustained hard work. My husband has done that suddenly changing thing and it was very unsettling and of course didn’t last. Even though at the time he sounded genuine in saying he didn’t want to behave like that any more, when he got fed up with me not meeting his expectations the abuse started again.
I get a bit confused about who has said what in previous posts so I can’t remember what you’ve said before about exit plans. If you cant decide what to do right now, maybe you should start making an exit plan. It might help you get more clarity and if the abuse starts again you’ll be much closer to leaving.
Sending love and strength xxxx
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