Hate being horrible

[Mummyboo]

This is a bit of a weird question but I am really struggling
with dealing with my husband since I left. I just really hate being horrible. Like when he texts and ‘wants to chat” I nearly always end up giving up and answering out of politeness. I’ve asked on here before and lots of people say I need to go no contact but I just can’t bring myself to do had as it seems so harsh and because we have 2 kids. Sometimes I think I would be handling things better if I was a nastier person but It’s just not in me. I started the journey to freedom course this week and was taken aback by the hatred the women had for their ex’s. Despite the hurt he has caused me I can’t even bring myself to not like my husband, I would just rather not be married to him but I hate seeing him struggling or upset.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

U r still trauma bonded to him , when I left ex I always had reason to allow contact , cause we had kids , cause things needed to be sorted , it’s rude to ignore someone call , and u know what all it got me was more verbal abuse , threats , tears , they r sorry to they love us , biggest mistake they made , will change , to
Back to F off and they hate us. Course we don’t want to see them suffer , but they don’t think like that , remind yourself why his an ex , remind yourself how he made u feel. Believe me I used to think if I was a b**** it would be easier , stay no contact , us ladies have experienced this and understand why we r told no contact

[SunshineRainflower]

I felt the same way initially, in fact I was very close to breaking no contact and felt so bad when he told me he was heartbroken etc. What helped me was The List – a big list I wrote of all of his abuse. Have you written your own list of all the things he did? It is amazingly helpful to get clarity and you can read it whenever you feel confused about why you left.

You have to remember that he is a domestic abuser, he is not a regular person. They don’t have normal empathy. It’s not about being nasty, it is simply about protecting yourself emotionally, physically and financially from someone who is quite possibly or has already shown themselves to be dangerous.

When we first leave, these types of men are excellent at saying all the right things to make us reconsider. It is called hoovering and is incredibly effective, as you are currently experiencing, and as I experienced too. They are like Oscar winning actors. Most women return about 7 times before leaving finally because they make it so difficult and so confusing.

If you can see the ‘niceness’ as manipulation it helps. Like Confused said, you are experiencing trauma bonding/stockholm syndrome it is so hard at first, but with time it gets easier, with minimal or ideally no contact.

[Ayanna]

What happened in your childhood that you cannot fight the husband?
Were you allowed to vent your anger or did they train you to always be nice and tell you that anger and hatred are bad emotions no matter what someone does to you?
Zero contact is not horrible. It is for your protection.
You are not horrible when you refuse to talk to him. You set your boundaries when you do that.

[Author]

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