Hate myself

[Liquorice]

Cried alot today. I think im depressed again but i hate to admit it. My poor baby has asked ne.to play with him so many times but im always busy doing jobs, stupid jobs that i must do, he must be so sad with a rubbish mummy, i have no idea why he loves me im awful i even shouted at him today bless him. So now im in bed crying and my husband tells me he is sick of my whinging all the time and grabs my tjroat so hard i cant breath and shakes me. It wasnt for long but it was very frightening and now hes atormed off out saying he wont stay here with a grumpy b***h. Makes a change though he usually throws me outside and stays in himself…. feeling so tired and sad all the time latley.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Omg! You are not a bad mum! You are a woman who is abused and trying to survive … it’s hard to find any time to do anything but breathe.
I truly hope you have some support, or have support from the helpline. You are a wonderful person … please don’t forget that you are worthy of so much more . Big hugs lovely lady xxxx

[Serenity]

Please don’t hate yourself, Liquorice.

You are using all your energy just to survive living with a monster. You’re in survival mode: I remember desperately attempting to restore order to our daily lives, when we were on the brink of chaos with him. Trying to keep on top of things is out way of trying to keep things together. I developed a desperate attachment to routines, trying to help myself and my children feel safe, trying to set boundaries whilst living with a man who had none.

I think my ex took great delight in sitting back and watching me do everything, then berated me for daring to look stressed or tired.

Abusers push us beyond our limits. They enjoy overworking us. They like to create chaos, to make us feel that however hard we work that we should be working harder. They are never happy. They don’t allow us rest.

And when we are happy and relaxed, they like nothing better than to make us feel guilty for relaxing, and they love to wipe the smile off our faces. You would be punished for being the opposite of what you are now, believe me. They are constantly moving the goalposts.

Hugs x

[Liquorice]

Thaks for the huG fuzzyfelt, greatly needed at the moment. Serenity yes attatchment to routines to try and ease the chaos is exact. I still feel pretty rubbish but hes gone (detail removed by moderator) today so i have a little breathing space even if its only a few hours it usually helps me a little. But so far im just sat here being miserable i just cant seem to pull myself out of it this time. He took the baby to nannies house said im not suitable to be left on my own with him because im a miserable b***h and i should just kill muself and get it over with for everyones sake .

[Lisa]

Good morning Liquorice,

I am so sorry to read your post and hear your situation. You are not alone. We are all here for you. Sadly it is unlikely that you are going to feel any happier or stronger while you are still with your partner. He sounds very cruel, abusive and dangerous. The fact that he put his hands around your throat is a seriously dangerous indicator. It is very hard to function and be in an abusive relationship so it is not surprising you are feeling low. Could you go and be honest with your GP about your situation so that she can record down how you are feeling and she could perhaps give you some help?

Please do try to find a safe time to phone the helpline. They can help you to see a safe way forward. Whether or not that is for you to speak to the Police, to obtain an injunction or perhaps to go to a refuge with your little one where you can be safe and happy together. They will not tell you what to do but will help you to see what might be best for you.

Good Luck Liquorice. Let us know what the Helpline recommend.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[bubbles]

Hi

Please do not hate yourself, you are not a bad parent, he is and a bad husband. I don’t know if you have thought of an escape plan or getting out but it’s a good idea to start planning if not.

Your son loves you and you are not a bad parent. Every child deserves and wants a mother just like your son deserves and wants you. I remember going to the doctors because i got so bad I thought i was undeserving of my kids and they were better than me and the environment we were in I was even considering putting them into foster care myself. But I got out and now I know i’m a fantastic mum doing a fantastic job.

It’s HIM doing this to your family not you you are a good mum and trying your best in the circumstances you’re in. x

[Author]

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