Hate struggling

[Tryinghard]

Hi I’m really struggling right now, my ex left (detail removed by moderator) years ago but was always around the house and being horrible, calling me abusive names, putting me down, being cruel beyond words. He went on holiday recently (detail removed by moderator), with his woman, without the kids, takes kids nowhere. Anyway he came back started to tell me all his woes, getting in to my head making me think I’m going insane. Twisting things, lying to me. On (day removed by moderator) he came to the house and started telling me how angry I make him, everything I do, everything I say, my very existence makes him angry. I asked him to leave, to not come back and I told him what days he can see the children.

His family have dumped me, and I’m really hurting, I feel so pathetic and stupid that I feel like this because I obviously do something wrong to make people hate me so much.

I hate this hell

[Lisa]

Hi Tryinghard,

I am sorry to read that you are having a tough time at the moment. You have done so well and come so far. It is only normal to be angry at the injustice of him trying to manipulate you and undermine you in your own home. I don’t know what arrangement you have with the children and him but if you don’t have a child contact order perhaps you could look into getting one so that you all know when he is going to have contact with the children and meaning you don’t have to have contact with him. Rights of Women have a really good and helpful website on http://www.row.org.uk and your local Women’s Aid group can help support you too.

You are a good person, he is abusive and sadly it is very likely that he has lied to his family and that is why they aren’t having contact with you. Try not to worry, you know the truth and anyone who knows you and cares for you does too. Perhaps you could speak to your GP if you are feeling low, they might be able to help you and your local Women’s Aid group should be able to offer you some counselling too.

We are all here for you so please keep posting. Try the helpline if you want to get some advice and support too.

Kind regards,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[fizzylem]

Hey chick, this is not you, please do not think you are doing anything wrong here; you do not make him angry, he should have some respect and self control here; communicate with kindness. This is what abusers do, blame, blame, blame – try not to believe him, don’t let him into your head, because it is not true and he is not someone to be listened to at all. He does this to try and make you feel bad, feel it is your fault – and it’s kind of worked hey.

He’s intentionally cut you off, isolated you by deomonising you to his family so you dont have their support, this is common, ‘the smear campaign’, and when he tells them its her she’s this and that it also justifies his appauling behaviour when he’s with others – gives him free license to be the way he is with you and no ones going to pull him up this – again, all untrue. It’s horrid hey. Think about it, ordinarily if anyone saw someone behaving the way he does with you they’d question this, this way he has his reasons hey – BS or what!?! Try not to buy into it – see it for what it is – focus your energies on those who do get it and get you only – stuff the rest.

Good for you, you are the primary carer and if he doesnt like the times he has now then it is up to him to file for legal action. Cut him off, put all your communication, pick ups and drops offs now through a third party and wash this man out of your hair, so you can get yourself some space to recover. Trust me, it will only likely get worse until you do this – don’t give him any access to you – it’s much better for the child/children this way as well xx

[Tryinghard]

Thank you for your kind words.
His mother couldn’t understand why he’d left and I made a comment about him not being a great father, never spoke to me again.

He is like a Jekyll and Hyde figure he’s so sickeningly charming to others and then with me it’s like I’m something on the bottom of his shoe.

A part of me somewhere knows I’m not to blame for this, a huge part of me is full of self doubt. I know his actions are damaging me, he has crushed me and I feel like I’m just an empty shell, over the years he’s stripped me of everything and then turns round and says I deserve to be selfish.

I guess his family are always going to support him, he has no home, he has no money, so who knows what he is going to do with the children! Again not my problem.

I feel silly, weak, pathetic, foolish that I’m not a stronger person, but he lies so much and gets so angry when questioned, then the answer he replies with ‘what the f does it have to do with you?’

I have contacted Womensaid, I’m await a case worker to call me back. I’ve spoken to my GO, so unhelpful.

Is it normal that men like this take no responsibilities for their actions? Is it normal that they don’t show any sincerity when they hurt you so deeply, stone cold uncaring creatures, is this normal?

Thank you so much for your support

[EbonyRaven]

I’m so sorry to hear that your GP wasn’t helpful. If it’s anything like my surgery where you rarely see the same doctor twice and don’t get to know them at all I’ve found that I have to go in and tell them I want a referral for counselling or that I need antidepressants etc. They don’t seem to have the time to listen and talk enough to figure out what you need anymore.

The behaviour you ask if it is normal; Yes, for abusers that is their ‘normal’. They have no empathy, and are all about what makes them feel powerful.

You’ll get your strength back over time. Now you are away from him, and especially if you make child contact arrangements so you don’t have to deal with him and listen to his nonsense, you’ll gather strength again.

[Anonymous]

hi lovely lady. you are none of these things. like everyone one here your strong you got out yes up and down days. not bothering with his kids says it all. hes new one has it all yet to come which it will because these “hims” can never ever change. yes they get into our heads they twist what we say they take our self esteem. but they are rotten to the core you dont need his family they are nithings they are probably all the same as him. hold your head up high put your walking shoes on and walk the road to recovery and a kife free of abuse big hugs

[Author]

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