Hate that i still love half of him

[tiredanddrained]

I have got out not that long ago. I find the weekends so hard. I have no energy to go out or do anything with friends or my family. I just feel like an emotional wreck and in constant pain. Im tired of battling the feelings of wanting to see him as i really miss the Mr Nice guy who im obviously still in love with. I try and tell myself though that he is a full person and the Mr Nasty was so nasty i just cant go back to getting shouted at, called names and humilated on a monthly basis. He has been trying to contact me and begging to see me. I have him blocked on everything else but have 1 old email he contacts. I just wish i knew he truly didn’t love me. It would make it easier in my head to move on. I would love to know deep down if he does not love me and all these words he spouts are fake. Either way if someone did love you they wouldn’t want to hurt you. My head just feels so depressed and lonely at the moment and yesterday i am ashamed to say i felt myself thinking i was so much happier when he was here. I thought at least i was happy for about 4 weeks in between the abusive days that happened, however i know that is no way to live. I also fear him moving on and how i will feel if i feel like this now. I just wish i was such a stronger person like other people who can move on and not as pathetic and loyal to a person i know has treated me so poorly. Just needed to vent.🥺 Thanks for reading xx

[Iwillbefree]

Hi
I understand exactly what you are saying. I am also not long out and it’s such a battle in your own mind with taking them back but you know you shouldn’t/can’t.
We know they treat us badly, but doesn’t stop us missing them. I’m learning that slowly.
I also am very weak and loyal to my ex and its so hard to fight those feelings. I constantly feel sorry for him and guilty for ending things.
The way you feel doesn’t make you pathetic at all. You are obviously a lovely person with lots of empathy and kindness. And you were in love, and probably still do love, someone who hurt you. It’s really hard to accept that.
I feel exactly like you at weekends. Do you work in the week? I think because I’m busy at work Mon to Fri it’s not so bad. But then the loneliness and too much time to think in the evenings and weekends is the hardest times.
You have done the right thing getting out try and remember that and I think time will be the healer for us all.
I try and keep busy. I try and meditate to relax. It does all help. But I think it’s just a very long road to recovery from what I read from others.
Maybe try some new hobbies or something to fill these times you feel like this.
I know even that’s really hard to achieve though sometimes.
Stay strong and safe.
Hugs xx

[tiredanddrained]

Thanks Iwillbefree for your reply. It’s comforting to know i’m not alone and you are going through this same hell. Yeah I work during the week so it does seem easier. It totally is a battle in my own mind and deep down. I know it’s logically the right thing as he had enough chances to act correctly and change. I hope we both feel better soon. Will try the hobbies idea you suggested. Wish my mind would just stop racing thinking about him. It is so debilitating at times.

Sending love and hugs to you lovely and i really appreciate your supportive reply x*x

[Iwillbefree]

Hi,
It is very debilitating you are right. It can consume your whole day. And yes the racing mind! It drives you crazy doesn’t it.
It’s definitely easier when occupied, like work. But like you say at the weekends you can’t be bothered to do anything. I’m the same. But that’s OK. It’s time to heal.
I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to get on with it and move on but we really need to greive and process what has happened. So don’t be hard on yourself for missing them. I’m learning that. They were our lives before. It’s a very hard transition.

Take care of yourself xx

[Bananaboat]

This isn’t crazy at all and from what I’ve seen on here and being recently out myself – it’s a normal stage to go through. Your mind is naturally remembering the good times, trying to justify the bad as being not that bad or something you can live with, but what if that nice guy was a fake? That nice guy is what hooked us in, kept us hooked and made our senses overlook/forgive the bad – it served a purpose to get him what he needed. It’s much more likely to have been the fake version of him when you think about it, then the horrible version we all excuse – the one with the vile views, that belittled us, controlled and abused us. Think about it that way if you can.

It’s too easy to forget we’re actually going through a break up, which means mourning hopes & dreams for the future, breaking habits and finding new routines, and missing someone. Weekends are hard but they don’t have to be filled with parties and big days out – a walk, a coffee in town, a trip to the supermarket are all good places to start. A change of scenery or change of routine works wonders to boost the positive chemicals in our brains. When you find yourself ruminating about him, catch yourself and stop, change what you’re doing. Don’t forget we’ve been conditioned not to relax and always be on edge so that’s also playing a major part in how you’re feeling – we’ve forgotten how to just be. xx

[Hereforclarity]

Hi tired and drained. I’m really sorry to read how you’re feeling and what you’re going through… Though reading it – I could have written this myself. I’ve been looking forward to Monday so I can keep myself busy and not spend so much time thinking about what happened and forced time with colleagues so I’m not alone.

You’re absolutely not alone on this forum and from writing on here myself and receiving replies from others – what you’re going through is completely normal. If it helps to know – I was in your position for years and it took me finding things he’d wrote, screenshots and photos for me to confirm the gut feeling I had was true. It was gut-wrenching to see the truth (that he didn’t care) but if you can, don’t wait for your confirmation if you can help it.

If he is still contacting you and begging to see you via the only avenue he can find – he isn’t respecting your wishes or what you need (I would guess you couldn’t imagine yourself doing this if someone made it clear to you they didn’t want to be in touch). Your gut is telling you absolutely everything you need to know – but I know how tough it is when you’re missing the part of them they wanted you to believe they were (or maybe only a small part of who they actually are). The thing is – these questions you’re asking yourself (and the same I’m going through) is torture. Nobody gets there on their own without going through a lot of confusion, gaslighting and manipulation. I always found it helpful to remind myself – these aren’t normal questions in a healthy dynamic and to keep looking back at journals/my accounts of the bad time to remind myself what it was really like.

Right now the small things to take care of yourself are so important… If you don’t have energy to see friends and family – ordering/cooking your favourite food, making a soothing bedtime routine, watching a comforting movie, listening to music you loved (before this relationship), borrowing someone’s pet to take care of for a day or two, going out for a coffee and having a chat with the barista. It all counts and just allowing yourself to grieve what you wanted in this relationship.

You’re going to find your own way and there are lots of women on this journey with you. Reach out here when you need to and I hope everyone’s responses here take a little weight off the heaviness. Sending big hugs xx

[tiredanddrained]

Thank you Hereforclarity, Bananaboat and iwillbefree. It is all such great advice and has really helped me remain positive and strong. Having you all know what i am feeling and be able to give this advice based on your own experiences is just beyond what i imagined i would get from initially posting. I think he must not know what he is doing with the emotional abuse. If he misses me that much he would change the s****y behaviour but he is incapable it seems. It does make me wonder if in his head he is secretly laughing as the blame shifting, gaslighting and stonewalling is unreal. He must know what he is doing.
Regardless though i have held my boundaries in place and i have had another week of not being shouted at. Not been humiliated in front of neighbours, not been accused of cheating and i can answer my phone or get a text from work or my mum without getting glared at like( Who is that!), my animal is safe and no longer running away scared in the home from his shouting.

So all in all i am feeling proud of myself after all my feeling down this weekend has subsided for now.

Thank you so much for helping me move from such a depressed negative mindstate to a positive one. You ladies responses on here have kept me sane this weekend.

Sending much love and i hope you all have a fantastic week ahead. Well, as fantastic as it can be at the moment for us all.

Love and hugs X*X

[Pinkvelvet]

Thanks for this. Needed to read it today. Really missing the initial period of time that I thought I’d finally found my ‘soulmate’ kind of love. I think it’s mostly mourning the loss of that love, or the love you thought it was, than of the person. It’s the cruelest twist of fate.
Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been out for a while now, and mostly I’m fine but the downs still pop up time to time.
Xx

[tiredanddrained]

Thanks Pinkvelvet for the response. I’m glad my post helped you. It’s encouraging to know your mostly fine now. I’m hoping for the same in time. Wish i would stop believing at the back of my mind he can change. Suppose it’s the person in me that wants to help and believe every one deserves a chance and also not let go fully but if they are not wanting the help i need to stick to the facts instead of believing they really thought i was their soulmate. You wonder if they say that to all their partners or if they believe it’s real.

[KindnessIsntAWeakness]

This post and the responses from you all really resonates with me – and is something I feel I’ve been needing to read/see for a few days now. Thank you for sharing all your experiences – I see so much of me in all of these. It’s comforting to know that you’re not alone sometimes. And that things will get better – albeit over a long period of time.

Things are OK for me at the minute, however it’s still really difficult; seems like it is for most of us, and that it will be difficult for a while. Truly I’m having a hard time getting my head around the fact that my partner was someone I thought he wasn’t – I just can’t believe I fell for someone who was so manipulative and aggressive and awful. That I fell for his charm and niceness. I try and always see the good in everyone, so it’s really painful for me to accept the fact that he actually is not a nice person. Along with all the other stuff that I’ve been through and am continuing to go through. I feel like I’m constantly battling between my head and my heart.
I read back through messages and sometimes it helps, other times it doesn’t. The manipulation and lack of responsibility for what he did is so clear, and yet I’m still missing him and still have so much love for him. Why?! I think Banana Boat you nailed it on the head in saying that we’re forgetting we’re going through a breakup – let alone all the other trauma we’re having to deal with.

I wish in my heart so much that he would change so we could try and make it work. But also logically know that this is never going to happen. The evidence of him not changing is mounting up against him – which again, is helpful as it’s just reaffirming the part of me that knew in my gut that things would’ve only gotten worse if I stayed with him. But also tough and heartbreaking.

It’s so much easier said than done, but being kind to ourselves and giving ourselves some slack and credit for where we’re at is something that we should all be doing. Hope all of you are doing OK and keeping safe. Thanks again for posting this @tiredanddrained ❤️ I saw so much of my feelings in your words and think I too needed some comfort and support from the forum x

[Author]

Posts