Hate this!

[pebble1]

Hello everyone,
I haven’t posted here in a while but feel terrible today. Ex told me he has contacted school and offered to supply something to them looks like a nice thing to do but will mean kids have to see daily reminder of him all day. Sorry that’s a bit cryptic. Basically kids, esp one of them, not doing well with what he’s done, had an affair with someone known to us. We split up and I initiated it as I couldn’t take the yelling and all of it anymore (history of yelling over many years). This feels like a massive invasion to me, am totally triggered. Phone calls are creeping up and he ends calls with kissing noises even though I asked him not to. I feel this is too much. It feels like an extension of what he does, invades my space and boundaries till I don’t know which way is up any more. Woman he had affair with was in our house and daily routine and I ended up feeling crazy, like I couldn’t trust my judgement. Thing he is supplying is from work he does with other woman. I don’t know what to do now. He mentioned it in a call last week but I didn’t think he was serious. I haven’t told the school about our situation, I think I should have. I know one of the kids in particular is going to hate this, as is really struggling to come to terms with what’s happened.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Please contact your local women’s aid and inform the school about what’s going on. You can have the back up from women’s aid. He’s totally intruding on your boundaries. Also do not have any direct contact with him. Use a third party. Any contact is toxic and any contact is an opportunity for him to mess with your head. It’s common for abusers to have affairs and do what they can to hurt us. What better way. They are sick individuals and all contact must be done via a third party. Change your number too. Log his abuse with your GP.

[pebble1]

Thank you KIP for your quick response, it’s so good to know there is a listening ear! Yes, I feel it is definitely crossing my boundaries and made me feel all over again how he used to make me feel on a daily basis. I don’t understand, it doesn’t seem intentionally done to upset me, I think he thinks it’ll be a good marketing thing. BUT he doesn’t think about any of the consequences, or how I might feel, or how the kids feel. Or that we feel anything at all. He doesn’t ever acknowledge that what he’s done hurts people. He has his own narrative.

[KIP.]

Yes they are selfish and totally lack empathy. Time for you and your kids to stand up to this and if he won’t listen then please ensure the school knows it’s triggering and you absolutely do not support it. These men are bullies. You do not need to accept this behaviour in your life anymore. That’s the best part of escaping. You and your kids have the right to be free, happy and away from an abuser.

[Beautifulday]

I completely agree with kip! he is crossing your boundaries and pushing you and he knows it. These men are horrible manipulators who always want to be in control and need to be in control. I agree that you should definitely inform the school and tell them that your not happy with this, it is triggering you and getting you down. Stay strong!

[pebble1]

Thank you KIP and Beautifulday for your responses, wanted to post sooner but have been a bit of a mess in as much as the anxiety had flared and I don’t know if anyone else gets this but a sort of feeling like you can’t do anything? Everything is a huge effort and I seem to just go from one cup of tea to the next not being able to see the bigger picture? It’s making work hard. Still, I finally told schools that address different, and thank goodness I told them that child would be upset, they basically sorted it without me having to go there with ex. Predictably child was v.upset at what had happened. Overall what’s upsetting me at the moment is the asking for photos, saying he loves us etc. Have to be in contact cos of sorting out financial stuff, which he’s doing, but he seems to think everyone’s feelings are unaffected by what he’s done?!

[KIP.]

Do not trust him with any of the finances. Have you spoke to a solicitor. He has no right to contact you and I’d still urge you to use a third party. Looking for photos. Telling you he loves you is pure manipulation. Don’t listen to his words. Look at the facts of what abuse he has done to you and how it’s made you feel. He is toxic to you. He gave up any right to be in your life the first time he abused you. Well done for approaching the school. Don’t let him silence you. Abuse thrives on silence. Have you spoken to your GP. Abusers exhaust us. Dealing with them is a real drain on our energy.

[Author]

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