Have I been abused and was I raped?

[lostandinpain]

Never done this before so this feels weird. I was with my husband (Detail removed by moderator) years before marrying him and was married for (Detail removed by moderator) years before I separated from him. It is a terrible situation because my family and his family are highly religious and keep telling me what a mistake I have made leaving him and must go back to him and fix the marriage because I made the vows and now must stick with them no matter what. They all know what he did but, think it wasn’t a good enough reason to leave. At first the problems in the relationship were just how he was neglectful towards me. Didn’t talk to me or spend time with me unless it suited him. To this day, he plays computer games from the moment he gets home until the moment he sleeps and he did that throughout our relationship. He even did this when I miscarried our baby. He put me down for having anxiety and depression by saying all the problems were in my head and he had done nothing wrong. He would put me down about my weight saying that if i lost weight things would be better. All this I might have been able to work on but, in the first year of marriage, I was having trouble with sex. It would be very painful due to tablets I was taking at the time and because he would never wait for me to be ready. Most of the time I would consent but, a few times when he was initiating sex with me, I would say no to him, that I didn’t want it because it hurt. He either ignored me and kept going so I didn’t bother to say no again or I would keep saying no and he would complain that he needed sex and wanted it and was upset i didn’t. I would then stop saying no and just say “ok fine then.” He would continue and I would be curled up in pain after and crying from the experience. This happened a few times in the first year of marriage and it stopped but even up to the day I left him, he would touch me sexually and I would say no only to have him to continually touch me sexually but, in a different place. I managed to block the experience out as much as possible until I no longer could. Now I feel violated and abused by him but both he and the family are saying that what happened is normal and that it isn’t rape and i just didn’t communicate enough that I didn’t want it. Are the family correct? Do I just feel like I was raped and it didn’t really happen? Or was I really raped and abused by him?

[maddog]

The family are out of date with the law. Rape within marriage was finally made illegal in 1992. If he has penetrated you with his penis without your consent, that is rape. If you had neither the freedom or the choice, it is rape. If he has penetrated you with anything but his penis, it is Assault by penetration.

I have recently reported an historic rape. I had blocked the memory well. It is not a good feelign to start to re-live the experience.

[lostandinpain]

They are all telling me it doesn’t count because I only at first said no then once ignored by him or having him complain about it, changed my answer. Was is consent if I said no, got ignored so then said ok?

[KIP.]

Please ring the rape crisis helpline. Yes it’s rape and his family have no right to tell you how you should react. Any vows you took, he broke when he began abusing you. You have every right to feel violated and abused. Any Consent must be freely given. Consenting because you fear his retribution is not consent. My ex raped me badly the first time, I struggled and was terrified. The next time I didn’t struggle because I was scared and there was no point. This went on for years. What kind of a person carries on hurting another human being? Let alone their wife. He is the rapist and the abuser. You did nothing wrong. Do not listen to the family. Please speak to your GP about counselling too.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Lostandinpain,
So sorry you’re going through this, even when it happened a while ago it is still really hard to deal with. It’s doubly hard when your family are telling you it didn’t happen or is normal. I think you will find that the situation you described is coercion, being made to feel guilty or that you have to do as he wants. At least that’s what I was told. Mine also used my marriage vows to coerce me into having types of sex I didn’t enjoy or want to do. The other ladies are right, you feel violated because you were. We should have the right to say no and not be bullied into changing our minds to suit them. Mine also used,
‘Men have needs and if their wife won’t satisfy them they have a right to go elsewhere’
They are selfish brutes. I also suffered a lot of pain during and after sex. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he told me he was sick of my d****d excuses and things would have to change. From then on he would have sex when ever he pleased, it was my duty as hi wife and his right as my husband. I was so outraged that he didn’t care that I was in pain I flipped. I told him to have sex every day of the week if he wanted, but he wasn’t touching me again, how dare he threaten to rape me.
He denies to this day that he said it or meant that, but admits he still thinks I should have ‘got myself FIXED!’
They think they are entitled as our husband to treat us how ever they please. God did not intend for us to be treated like this, they are meant to love and cherish us, respect us and be honest and faithful. Once they start lying, cheating, abusing us they have broken the promises made in front of God. I felt trapped for decades by my promise to obey him. Only recently it was explained that I promised to submit to his loving leadership to promote harmony within the marriage. God never meant me to be his slave to be used and abused, lied to and deceived. I’m divorcing mine at the moment. You have done nothing wrong, he has coercion is illegal now. Don’t listen to your family or his. Stay strong. You are in the right
Hugs ❤️

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