Have i been blind this entire time?

[Goenka]

I am in a long term relationship with who I thought was the most amazing man I have ever met. Unfortunately, I have not been seeing the Red flags right from the beggining and looking back I feel extremely stupid. I have been told what to wear, who I can and cannot speak to and even what to watch on TV. I have been called a wh**e and bi**h over and over again for no reason while he has been chatting to his exes, saving numbers and naked photos and archiving them so they could not be easily found, lying about using social media which he specifically said (removed by moderator) in the past and watching countless naked bi***s all while I cannot even watch a TV series or a movie with a male lead without being called names or respond to a ‘hi how are you’ from a childhood friend or a colleague. Apparently, I am either making stuff up or exaggerating even though there is prove to everything he has done but somehow he always manages to pull me back and make me forget about it.
Over time he has made sure that I have lost absolutely all of my friends and now I am completely isolated from the world and have noone to speak to.
Recently we have had a baby and it has put a lot of things into perspective. I have been made to have sex only a couple of weeks after giving birth ((removed by moderator)) and he did not care about the pain I was in even though I was continuing to express it. He does not help with the baby and hasn’t even when we first came home and I was after an operation and in agony. He in my eyes is very rough with baby and screams at it ‘what is wrong with you’ when baby cries. This is all because he has to spend a little time with him so I can shower at the end of the day.
He has never hit me per say but he has squeezed me hard, shook me and likes to hold me down and stand in my way so I cannot leave a room unless he allows it.
Should I be worried for our safety? Is this abuse or I am exaggerating?

[Eggshells]

Dear Goenka,

Welcome to the forum.

You are right, what you have described is abusive behaviour and yes, you should be very concerned for yourself and your baby.

If he has already shaken you it doesn’t take a great leap to shake your baby which can be fatal. I don’t want to alarm you but please keep your baby with you at all times and contact Women’s Aid on https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Please do this today and somewhere away from your partner, leave the house if he is there. They will be able to advise you on what you need to do to keep your baby and yourself safe.

I’m imagining that you may be feeling a little stunned to read this but your baby is still very new and he is shouting at him. It will be frightening for your baby who is in a whole new world and needs love and reassurance. If he is already shouting at him I am really concerned about what comes next.

Please get help today. xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Goenka, I totally agree with Eggshells. Please get help today and keep the baby with you. Please do not leave the baby with him.
It sounds as though he has no patience with the baby and this could become very serious.
His behaviour is abusive, but the risk to the baby is the thing that worries me the most at this minute.
Please seek help from Womens Aid today and tell them what you have posted here, including his behaviour towards your baby.

[Anonymous]

Goenka I’m so with eggshells on this one please get in touch with women’s aid soon as l, this man is an abuser 100% who sounds like he has a serious empathy deficit he’s talking to ex’s he may be sleeping with them then bringing home to you infections you could die/ or get cancer from I’m not saying this to scare you but these people are reckless self centred and blame shifters , and the baby he could definitely harm your baby , and then who will he blame and who will end up possibly in jail? Your not the first to paint the red flags green ( so to speak)and I hate to say you won’t be the last , we make excuses we give countless chances we blame ourselves and get gaslit into thinking we’re the most pointless waste of space that ever existed, this man is dangerous I can’t even stress enough how much you and your little need to get gone asap to refuge , please keep in touch , I’m really concerned for you and baby x x x d d

[Lisa]

Hi Goenka,

First, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry and concerned to learn what you (and you baby) have been going through. You have done the right thing coming forward here for help and advice. I can see some of the other women here have validated that you are experiencing abuse. It’s hard to see the abuse for what it is when you’re in the relationship – but do trust your gut; you are describing dangerous, controlling and volatile behaviours by this man. There is no doubt from what you have explained that you and your baby are at risk while you remain in the relationship. Like the other women have stated too, this can be overwhelming to hear but we are here to support each other and make sure women know there is help out there.
Again, other replies have urged you to contact your local domestic abuse service, which is a really good start. They work separately from police or Social services even, so you’re able to get specialist, confidential support and advice. It could be useful for you to read through how to make a safety plan to leave an abusive relationship here.
Again, reading all this may be unsettling or overwhelming, so one step at a time. Get help safely in the way that feels right for you and your situation. If ever he becomes violent, do call 999. Once the police arrive, leave with them and pack a bag in front of them first if that’s the only way to do it all safely. Once you are in a safe place (at police station), they should be giving you numbers for domestic abuse service or refuges/safe housing while you are there.
A refuge is a safe house which offers temporary accommodation for women and their children. There are refuges throughout the UK which provide a place of safety for any woman who needs to escape abuse, married or single, with or without children. There is a full breakdown of refuge accommodation along with frequently asked questions here.
Know that you are not ‘overreacting’ (as I’m sure he would tell you), and that it’s important you prioritise protecting you and your baby. We are all here for you, so do keep posting for support and to let us know how you get on.
Take care,

Lisa

[ladiesand gentlemen]

100% what the others ladies have said
Get away from him and never leave the baby with him.
They can be charming one minute then lose it the next.
YOU and your dear little baby deserve better, confide in a relative,friend,GP,anyone you trust that can support you at this time and ongoing( I was very surprised at the positive help I got once I have told people)they might have even though something was wrong before now.
Look after yourself and your little one(my Daughter actually saved my life, without even knowing it)
Stay safe, stay strong. Love and Hugs x*x

[Author]

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