Have I got a role to play here?

[Blueflower29]

Hi, I’ve recently left my husband and we’ve agreed to divorce, but everyday I find myself struggling, when we first got together I loved being with him, I enjoyed his company and used to spend a lot of time with him, around (number removed by Moderator) months later I went through a difficult period in my life and that made me very emotionally dependent on him, I was crying and got upset a lot, I was questioning my existence and didn’t want to be alive, my ties with family got worse, I was relying on him a lot to help me when I was in that state, I’d go to him/ text/ call him when I was in that state and he would sometimes deal with me well but I started to find his response towards me getting more frustrated. There was something about his love that I was never reassured by, it made me ask for love a lot from him. I used to think it’s a me problem because I never received love like that before from any man, so I thought I was going in sabotage mode maybe, but I remember at the time also feeling like he says one thing but his mind is actually thinking something else. I’m still confused by this to this day. But I used to brush this off as I was really in love with him. He did feel like the only person I had good ties with at the time. We decided to get married fairly soon, around (timeframe removed by Moderator) after meeting, we did this because I genuinely wanted married life with him, but also we thought it would help us to get our independence back by leaving the family home and things. After marriage my mental health did significantly improve, I got that independence back, my husband and I got a home together, but things deteriorated quickly after marriage, he was horrible to me during honeymoon, there was a lot of arguing, he’d walk out on me a lot, and then something quite detrimental was said. I forgave him but things were never the same, his behaviour got worse there was a lot of physical stuff like after an argument he’d grab my hair tight, grab my body too tight, grab my hands too tight, there was an occasion (but I think there were actually more) where he had intercourse with me whilst I was asleep, this obviously woke me up but I never said to him to stop even though I didn’t want it. There was another occasion that I caught him taking a video of us when we were being intimate, and I didn’t consent to this as he quickly threw his phone when I caught him in the act. There have been many other physical acts by him too, including pushing me so hard that I was flung off, there’s been times he’s been recording my behaviour during arguments. I’ve been considering taking legal action but I feel really scared, I also feel like will someone turn around and say I abused him emotionally because of how I was like pre-marriage? I don’t know what’s right anymore, I feel terrified and sick everyday this is really taking a toll on me.

[minimeerkat]

hopefully the other ladies will give their thoughts if & when they see your post but it seems to me that initially you were quite vulnerable – perhaps feeling quite insecure & then also having other issues to cope with. and so naturally you looked to your partner for some support.  and even if he was unable or unwilling to do this to the degree you wanted you still got married which then improved your mental health both

but its very possible that any insecurities you had shown initially could have made you extremely vulnerable when being with the type of partner who could take complete advantage of this. which is probably why as soon as you were committed you began to see this persons true colours

some of your partners behaviour you have described are completely unacceptable which i hope you can accept – and which will also help you to see the difference between someone who is possibly insecure/needy & someone who is exerting power & control

it could help you a lot if you had the confidence to contact your local da service or even talk to them via the live chat on this site – who could also signpost you to other support regarding the lack of consent around intimacy & also the recording it.  i know its scary right now but try to stay strong x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I do agree with mini meerkat about this, it sounds very abusive.

i agree that it can become really tangled and it’s very very difficult to separate out the threads…but, if you want an opinion based on what you’ve written…I would say that the things that you have asked of him are completely within the bounds of a normal relationship whereas the things he’s done to you really are not.

Being very upset, and even dependent and tearful, going through a very rough time etc may not be all that easy for a partner … but it’s understandable, and you’re not blaming him or taking things out on him. It’s all very much within the bounds of being normal as far as I can see. You still treated him in a respectful, civil and dignified way even though you were having problems with your own emotional experience.

what he’s done to you, on the other hand. Let’s just take one of the things you mentioned ie. filming you without your permission in an intimate setting. To me that is not showing respectful, civil OR dignified behavior.To my mind it is clearly outside the bounds of what I would call normal, or acceptable. The other things he’s done to you are too.

I can say to you honestly that I see a quite clear difference between the nature of his behavior and yours.

[Blueflower29]

Thank you very much both, for your response, it can be such a confusing time and sometimes it really helps to get an outsiders perspective to be a voice of logic when you have so much going through your mind which and you’re attached to the situation emotionally.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions which I will definitely take on board and thank you for helping me find a different outlook on the situation- one that is more loving towards myself.

 

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