Have I got it all wrong again

[Still-trying]

Ive been a good while out of the relationship but all Of a sudden I’m thrown.
Our relationship was volatile from the off, and in the end extremely toxic which would imply I’m partly to blame or that we were simply wrong for each other. I know some of you know my story so I’m sorry if I’m covering old ground. I utterly worshiped him for so long and I genuinely believed I wasn’t good enough.. for a long time I wished he was violent so I could be sure that he really was an abuser and it wasn’t all my fault.. but even when he was eventually violent (all be it minimally and very spaced out) I still believed it deserved it.. then worse still, once he’d come back begging for forgiveness over his violence and other mistakes, he convinced me that he had changed, he was the perfect man and that I had far too many issues and he could do better so he discarded me.. so I was left wondering which came first.. did he leave me because I was impossible to be with (his words) or was I impossible to be with because he was abusive?

He was never much of a dad (I recently posted about child care arrangements) so when he left me, I made him build his relationship with the children from scratch.. for all the time we’ve been apart he’s shown no interest in more time with them and been impossible to communicate with, so I simply gave up trying.. but perhaps he just felt I was the impossible one and maybe I am.

He was in a relationship a matter of days after he left me- despite me being pregnant with out third child (which I ended up miscarrying) and his relationship seems so much better than ours ever was. They are so happy and he clearly loves her more than he ever loved me. I feel stupid.. I wondered if they had split up because he’s been msging me more about the children- but his msgs are actually more focused on winding me up than actually arranging contact.. I felt almost sure he had suddenly decided to try abusing me again (not that I want him to abuse me) because his relationship had ended, but it actually hasn’t. The thing is, he’s left me alone for so long, I can’t see why he wants to wind me up all of a sudden? Perhaps he actually isn’t meaning to wind me up, and once again it’s all in my head

[Lisa]

Hi Still-trying

It sounds confusing to be contacted by him more than usual after so long, it could be that his current partner is away and he is bored, to abusers it can feel like a game to pick up where they left off.

He will know that this is getting to you which is why he is doing it. Can you change the contact you have with him to email only and just check them once a week so you are not being bothered by text messages. If you have a solid contact arrangement in place there is no need for him to be messaging you like this, its not fair on you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Still-trying

I am sorry for all the abuse he ever put you through honey. Know that it was never ever! your fault. It was all his choice and still is now after all this time to continue abusing you.
You had the courage to leave him and do not have to endure any more of his abuse. It is your time, your life, your rules now! Do what makes you feel good.
Please do contact Women’s Aid for advice and support as well. To help keep your resolve strong.

I am sorry about the loss of your third child, my condolences for your loss, I hope you had the opportunity to grieve.

Have you had a chance to read some books about abusers? Living with the dominator by Pat Craven and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Read it until you believe it. It’ll help massively undo his brainwashing and regain some of your confidence in yourself.

It was never ever your fault. Not then, not now.
You are perfectly fine the way you are, you are an intelligent, kindhearted woman and mother and you can always always trust your gut instinct.
Your integrity is intact and you can rely on it fully. He on the other hand can’t be relied on. If you feel he is winding you up, than yes you are right this is exactly what he is trying to achieve. How cruel of him! Any other decent human being would hold your best interest at heart and would (try to) make you feel better not trying to upset you.

Do you have any support around you? Sorry I don’t know your story so pardon me if you’ve already told us here. Family, friends? If you have it would be the time to call in all the support you can get. Even if it is just for baking a cake with the children and you get to sit and read the papers with your feet up for a couple of hours!

Take good care of yourself, you deserve it. sending you many hugs
keep posting darling 💕

[Escapee]

It really, really isn’t you.

I was/am told that I was really hard to live with and that I’m incapable of having a relationship. In the end I did go a bit mad but it was due to the constant varied abuse and the confused state it left me in.

So it’s definitely not you – they deflect and manipulate. They criticise and demand and change the goal posts constantly.

Be so very kind to yourself, take each day as it comes and tell yourself everyday that you are a good person, that people love you and you are so worthy of that love.

Much love and a warm caring hug xx

[Still-trying]

Thank you so much for your replies ladies. It has been a while since it all ended so I’ve had a lot of time to process things. I am know I was very lucky to have support when he finally discarded me. There were times that life was so much different.
I have read those books and also done the freedom program since the relationship ended. I tried to do it whilst I was in the relationship but I was so convinced at the time that it was all my fault, that I just never took anything in.
I have set up an email account today and told him he can contact me there, but only about the children. Previous msgs were disguised as being about the children but he’d always throw in digs and things that are almost impossible to explain but I just know he was trying to get a reaction out of me. Now he’s pretending to be the most amicable person in the world, which has thrown me again because for all the time we’ve been apart- he’s been nothing but amicable.. and of course he has a way of convincing me that he’s had little interest in the children because I’m impossible to talk to because I was clearly not over him.
I know it’s bold but I truly believe I am over him. It’s taken a long time, and I never thought I’d be here but I am. So it’s so annoying to be dragged back into anything with him

[Still-trying]

I meant he’s been everything but amicable not nothing but 😂

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