Have I lost the great love of my life? Or just another (detail removed by moderator)

[JustKeepSinging]

Evening all

I’m really hoping someone can help because I feel like I can’t see the answer to this clearly.

I am currently feeling utterly miserable and heartbroken.

After getting out of an long term abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator) I was really down on love and romance and not really looking for anything serious. I’ve spent months really trying to put myself and my kids first. I’ve done hours of journalling and ‘self development’ work which is helping albeit slowly.
Then in around (detail removed by moderator) I thought I would try online dating – for me it offered the ‘safety’ of being able to chat to someone first and keep my distance, test for ‘red flags’ etc.
I was speaking to a couple of guys that I clicked with and had arranged dates then lockdown happened so I kinda gave up given that I couldn’t actually ‘meet’ anyone.
Then I started chatting to a guy that lived quite near me (detail removed by moderator), we chatted loads and he asked me out on (detail removed by moderator) which went really well, we had a few more and were speaking via whats app, FT regularly.
He told me he’d been separated for about (detail removed by moderator) and hadn’t had anything but a fling in that time but now wanted to meet someone. He has 2 kids but was sharing custody with his ex.

Eventually I managed to meet him in person and there was a real attraction and connection. I told him EVERYTHING about the past and he took it all on board really calmly and maturely.

I’m a single parent so I soon had to make the decision whether to allow him to be in my ‘bubble’
and he really wanted more commitment from me.
I wasn’t sure as I felt like he was being a bit pushy in asking for more commitment when he knew my history and he knew I didn’t want my children involved unless I knew our relationship was going to go somewhere.
He assured me he was ‘in it for the long haul’ so I relented and we started seeing each other more regularly.

One weekend about (detail removed by moderator) ago he just didn’t get in touch – sent me (detail removed by moderator) that just said (detail removed by moderator). Wouldn’t answer the phone when I called to find out W*F was going on.
I was totally confused and hurt and told him that I deserved more respect and at least an explanation so he came over to speak to me.

I found out eventually that he hadn’t been honest on when his own relationship had ended and felt like he’d gone too far with ours to be honest and tell me in case I was angry, so just ran away. I was really upset as the ONE thing I hate is being lied to even small things and given that he knew all my past I would have thought that would have given him an open door to be honest with me.

But being without him for those few days had made me realise that I was falling for him and I decided to forgive him on the premise that we would be totally honest with each other in the future and regularly had conversations about our relationship so we could sort out anything before it became a bigger issue.
It has been SO good – for once in my life I felt like I was part of a partnership, he supported me on issues to do with my ex and always listened. We spent time together alone and with my children and talked about maybe moving in together in the future. I was excited to meet his children and we even got a dog together that lives with us. He was regularly at our house, met and got on great with my parents and I thought I’d finally found what I’ve been looking for, the ‘great love’ I knew I deserved and have always wanted.

Then (detail removed by moderator) I was unwell and really moody with him and my kids for a good few days. I did apologise and explain why I was being snappy and he said it was understandable but on (detail removed by moderator) he rushed off without saying goodbye properly and was obviously p****d off with me.

I decided to give him some space to chill and didn’t really message him for a couple of days, then we spoke on the phone and he started coming out with some really hurtful stuff about me & worse, my kids, as reasons not to be with me.

I’ve got a lot of s**t going on with my ex that he had previously been supportive of (and WANTED to be involved with) but now is saying is ‘too much’.
He keeps saying he misses his own kids which I completely understand and I’ve always been really supportive of his relationship with them and tried to ask him about them regularly and even have pictures etc of them up at my house so he could feel closer to them. I still haven’t met them due to complications with his divorce and I feel like I’ve been kept at a distance deliberately now.
He said some really hurtful things to me about how I am with my kids and about one of my children, (detail removed by moderator).

I thought I could rely on him for help but instead he’s just running away again.
I don’t know how to tell my kids (that love him and are asking for him) that he’s gone and I don’t know why.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s running scared again or there’s something or someone else in the background that I just don’t know about?

I feel stupid for thinking that anyone could love me with all the c**p I went through with my ex and totally devastated at losing him but I’m also wondering what kind of man can promise commitment and spend time with my kids, say that he loves us but still just walk away.
The fact that I never got to meet his own kids or his family means that him walking away from us doesn’t have any impact on them or him but I will have to comfort my kids when they are upset at him no longer being around.

I don’t know what to do – whether I should try and get him back or just walk away but I need to make a choice because it doesn’t just involve me but my kids too.
I’m too involved to see if this was just another controlling relationship or if this one is what I thought – the great love of my life.

Please help!

[KIP.]

He started the relationship with lies and I believe he probably carried on with the same. I’d block him and keep well clear. You haven’t met any of his family which is a red flag I think. Especially when he’s met yours. There’s no excuse for saying hurtful things about your children. You haven’t met his kids because of ‘complications with the divorce’. It all sounds very suspicious to me. Stay away from him. He’s shown you his true colours so please believe him.

[driedflowers]

I’m really sorry for the pain you are going through. It’s the last thing you need or want when trying to trust someone again, and it’s very triggering.

I agree with Kip on the red flags. The reasons he is giving about why you haven’t met his kids are suspicious, and saying things about your kids is absolutely inexcusable.

Given that you told him everything, I don’t think that a respectful person would have pushed you into commitment; a respectful person who was serious about a healthy relationship would have given you and your kids more space and taken things slowly. In particular, another parent should be mindful of this – which again raises the question of how he is with his own kids.

You are not stupid and you deserve to be loved. From what you’ve said, this man has poor behaviour and sounds quite codependent, so please don’t see it as a reflection on you, but do look at his actions and not his words. He may come back with some nonsense story, but you all deserve a lot better than this dishonest, cr*ppy behaviour.

[JustKeepSinging]

thank you. Even typing this yesterday got me thinking…’if I was reading this what would I think??’ and highlighted a lot of the negative stuff for me.

I feel so flippin’ frustrated at having worked so hard to rebuild myself and my self esteem and to do so much personal development work and not been able to spot this one coming. My instinct told me things were off but once he came clear about the initial issue I thought it had just been that.

Thank you all.

Tell me it gets better?

[KIP.]

Yes it absolutely gets better. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Concentrate on you and your family and take time out to heal. We are very vulnerable for a very long time after abuse x

[Camel]

Hi JustKeepSinging

I hope replying to this doesn’t rake up bad feelings and that you’ve forgiven yourself for being caring, trusting and hopeful.

I must say I think you were very brave with the online dating as the whole idea terrifies me. Probably you’re much younger than me so it’s not such a big deal.

It doesn’t sound like you gave yourself much time between escaping abuse and dating. I did the same thing, desperate for a ‘normal’ relationship and to feel attractive. There were red flags but the abuse was different so I ignored them.

In your case there were red flags too.

You agreed to him joining your bubble despite only meeting a handful of times. You felt pressured but went along with it. Why?

You found yourself telling him everything about yourself. Ask yourself how this came about.

What did he tell you about himself? This might sound far-fetched but are you absolutely sure any of it was true? Did you meet anyone else in his life (friend, family, kids, neighbours). Did you ever go inside his place? He could have been sleeping on the sofa at his mum’s house. Did you google him or his ‘wife’? How is it you didn’t question it when his story went from ‘shared custody’ to not seeing his kids because of ‘complications’? Were photos the only evidence that they existed?

He admitted to one big lie. Despite detesting liars you forgave him. Why is that?

You talk about him being ‘the great love’ of your life. What did he actually DO to earn your love? Forget about what he SAID. Words are cheap. Remember how pushy he was for commitment and how you caved in once he told you what you wanted to hear.

He treated you appallingly, somehow thinking he had the right to criticise you, your mothering skills and, worst of all, one of your children. And yet you ask, should you try to win him back because this doesn’t just affect you, it affects your kids. Do you see how quickly he got to f*ck with your head?

I’m sure you’ve moved on from this. You’re kids too – it really was too short a relationship to say that they loved him. If you need to explain his departure, make something up (detail removed by Moderator). They’ll forget him soon enough.

It does get better. But in my opinion, only when we stop looking to a partner for validation and someone to rely on. Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit…

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