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    • #169554
      Littlepixie
      Participant

      I haven’t posted here in a few months. I finally got moved out and I’m not renting a property for (detail removed by Moderator). My kids are here & my son goes back (detail removed by Moderator) if he’s not working.
      I felt fine the first few weeks but now I’m really questioning if I should have left him. We were together (detail removed by Moderator) & although we hadn’t spoke in months & our relationship has been non existent I just feel so alone. Our kids are growing older & my eldest will probably not be here in another year. These should have been the years we got a bit of our lives back & I’m mourning the life we will now never have. I’ve cried sk much over the last few days & seems like every song I hear reminds me of him or the lyrics resonate with me.
      I saw him for the first time the other day by accident. I cried the whole way home.
      Sorry for rambling but I have no one to talk too. I think I probably need counselling but can’t afford it.

    • #169557
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hi Littlepixie, I was with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) also and can empathise with you. You’re grieving the future you thought you had… I grieved for a long time and still do someday’s…
      It must have been so hard seeing your ex husband.
      What helped me was reaching out to my local Women’s Aid for support and signposting for courses to help and also to mix with other women who are or have been in similar situations.
      Your GP may be able to offer counselling or signpost you to a support group.

      What I have struggled with is getting to know me, after so many many years of being controlled by him, altering the way I dressed/behaved etc.

      Also what helped me was reaching out to local groups (obviously private groups so my ex couldn’t find me). I forced myself to socialise, even just to meet up for a coffee someday.

      That pain you feel is hard.. it does start to lesson overtime. Remind yourself of the abuse he put you through, of how unhappy you were. Yes there would’ve been good times, non of us would get with these men if they weren’t ‘nice’ to us in the beginning.

      Sending you a massive hug
      HFH ❤️

      • #169558
        Littlepixie
        Participant

        Thank you. We lived almost separate lives for so long. He was away with work a lot so I was on my own a lot of the time. I do think this had a part in our split. He came back expecting to be the boss when I ran the house without him. I basically done everything including sorting out the bills. He never told me what to wear or do although I never go out anyway. It was more snide comments or if I tried to intervene when he was yelling at the kids he spoke down to me. Also said things then if I pulled him up on it later he’d say I was lying. It all came to a head (detail removed by Moderator) when he actually scared me. I suppose I’m thinking back to the start of the relationship, the happy times we had and maybe if we could have got the kids raised (a lot of the arguments were over the kids especially (detail removed by Moderator)) could we have been happy again.
        I did have a WA worker but the groups were morning and I work. I was going to try and get an application with my GP and maybe go back onto antidepressants. I’m also perimenopausal so now questioning myself if I’m having some sort of midlife crisis.

    • #169624
      bettersafenfree
      Participant

      Try to stay strong … you are brave and have come so far… ultimately there would have to be intervention with Freedom programme (online) or in person as a group, you make friends and support each other or other sessions of therapy, you need to heal yourself,.. you have done nothing wrong. Understanding about domestic violence and the different tactics they use will help you when you are up to meeting someone new. It is very easy to jump back in with the wolf in sheeps clothing where the many tactics of an abuser will show.Have a good read of them. Find your support network and keep safe.

      • #169636
        Littlepixie
        Participant

        Thank you. I meant to get in touch with my women’s aid support worker during the week but I’ve been so busy. Some days are better than others. I’ve had some contact worth him over text about bills etc and he’s being so amicable but I know he can be so nice then turn over the stupidest thing.
        I’ll have a look for the programme x

    • #169653
      Galabeee
      Participant

      I know the feeling and the questioning littlepixie – I’m a little further along now but there are times it hits me and I question have I turned my entire life on it’s head (also was with him for more time than I wasn’t and knew each other since school ) … it feels unbelievable sometimes that none of my life is going to play out in the way I thought in terms of the future (but of course I don’t know what other good things may come my way for that time either) ..

      It’s hard not to question when they are being “nice” or reasonable over things.. I had to literally have a reminder of all the key moments which led me to leaving , and that feeling (for years) of “I just can’t do this anymore” – that’s not made up.

      I’m glad you have a WA support worker to help x

      • #169743
        Littlepixie
        Participant

        He messaged me (detail removed by Moderator) & was so civil. We’re having to meet in a few weeks to sort out bank stuff & I’m dreading it. I know it’s going to upset me & i’ll have to try and stay strong. I’ve been feeling a bit better the last few days & the text (detail removed by Moderator) has just set me right back. I couldn’t wait to leave & now I’m constantly thinking should we have went to counselling etc. It’s like I’ve blanked out the bad times and just remember the good times we had. My future scares me especially when my kids go their own ways. I keep thinking maybe when they are grown up we will get on better and try again. I’m just really struggling & my daughter doesn’t understand. She has no relationship with him at all. I have no one really to talk too. I don’t have many friends anymore. My WA worker hasn’t been in touch in weeks. She’s very hard to get hold off. Don’t know if I could get a different one?

    • #169745
      Bluebirds
      Participant

      I’m feeling this way. I’ve left but only for (detail removed by Moderator). He’s promising me the world but also getting quite nasty. I’m thinking have I made the right decision? Am I ever going to be happy? Will I ever feel myself? Am I over reacting? Why is this so difficult 🙁

      • #169747
        Littlepixie
        Participant

        I know, it’s so hard. I spent so long trying to pick up the courage to leave & now I’m away less than (detail removed by moderator) and I miss him. I keep telling myself it’s the old version of him I miss, not the version he is now. It’s early days especially after over (detail removed by moderator) together. If your ex is getting nasty then you know you’ve done the right thing. Stay strong and PM me if you want xx

      • #169768
        Bluebirds
        Participant

        Thankyou for your reply! He’s switching between nice and nasty. It’s making me go insane. Honestly feel so unwell. I think I’ve started grieving the relationship feel so depressed, I have no idea what’s going on. Keep thinking will I feel better if I go back.

        Stay strong you know you have done the right thing deep down. Sending hugs to you. Nice to know that I’m not alone as I feel it! Happy to chat on PM x

    • #169827
      swanlake
      Participant

      Thinking of you both, some people can be so manipulative and try to squirm their way back into our lives and appear reasonable to other people.

      My abuser asked to meet me to discuss a financial matter but I’ve been ringing a mental health helpline on the rare occasion I feel brave enough to check my emails. I absolutely do not want to meet them in person. I told the bank that he is abusive and there’s more awareness and protection these days.

      I’ve done the Freedom programme and had a few free counselling sessions via my local domestic abuse partnership. Bloom and Victim Support also have free online material to work through. It’s good to be reminded.

    • #169951
      Littlepixie
      Participant

      What is the freedom programme? I’ve never heard of bloom so must have a look at it, I have no one really to talk too. I just feel alone & the future when my kids leave scares me and I’m so worried about money. I work full time but I only get paid (detail removed by Moderator) so I’ll get so little in August. I keep thinking I should have just stayed for security.

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