3rd September 2021 at 4:13 am #130962Bubbles99Participant
I’m awake every night after a couple of hours sleep, I feel completely confused.
When I was living with my partner I felt on edge, he was very dominant in our relationship. There were multiple episodes of shouting at the neighbours and their children which made me uncomfortable, then shouting at our daughter and me, which made me feel scared. I didn’t want to leave our daughter with this angry volatile man, so I just got out to remove her from the situation. I didn’t think much, I didn’t sit with it for too long, I just thought this isn’t right & got out.
He couldn’t really understand why I left, didn’t really think it was a big deal, continued to behave in an angry way, kept explaining all the stress he was under.
It’s (removed by moderator) months & I just haven’t gone back, he’s coming to visit & being lovely. I’m just fearful of returning.
My friends & family saw how scared I was and then it came to light they had been concerned about his controlling behaviour & isolating me for some time.
I tried to go back once, but was a nervous wreck. I made a comment about money, and that was it. He shut down, was angry with me, wouldn’t talk to me or make eye contact for a couple of days.
I went to a friends house, and told him I was leaving again later that week. Then he took our daughter away & wouldn’t tell me when he was coming back “so that I could feel how painful it was”
Time passed, only contact was email, then when we see each other he is absolutely lovely.
3rd September 2021 at 5:17 am #130965Twisted SisterParticipant
You acted because you felt afraid. thats fine. You were scared by his shouting, he hasn’t acknowledged that, or responded to it and is now ‘being nice’. Being nice doesn’t make the shouting ok. It doesn’t make anything that scares you ok. He doesn’t seem to accept that he’s scared you, and that he’s deliberately contrived a situation to scare you, by stealing your daughter away like that.
He can’t see what his behaviour has done to you, how its made you fear him and just thought it was about punishing you back, getting his own back.
Your reaction to him is your reaction. Its also backed up by your family and friends and you say he is volatile and dominating, also controlling and isolating. Trust yourself, and don’t trust him if hs capable of contriving such cruel punishments.
You know and feel its wrong. No relationship is, or should be, about that. You’ve had a lucky escape from what you’ve said.
relax, and sleep
3rd September 2021 at 7:29 am #130970BettertimesaheadParticipant
You absolutely haven’t overreacted, you have been very brave and strong, you have removed your daughter and yourself from a very abusive relationship and he doesn’t like it as you’re not giving in. You need support and advice, contact womens aid or a local charity.
Write down all the awful things he says and did. Read it when you’re feeling weaker. Well done on taking thus step
3rd September 2021 at 8:02 am #130972
He knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows the harm it causes you. It’s simply how his mind works. Threaten,, bully, manipulate, scare and abuse to get his own way. He doesn’t even care about the harm to his child or others. He’s dangerous and you need to stay away. Contact your local women’s aid. Huge red flags going on here. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Kidnapping your child as punishment is shocking and if he can do this he cannot be trusted not to harm her in other ways.
3rd September 2021 at 8:03 am #130973
Google the cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel.
5th September 2021 at 10:42 am #131064Bubbles99Participant
When he’s nice, calm, affectionate he’s really relaxing to be with.although recently I did feel there was a subtle undercurrent of frustration & angry towards me, and certainly my parents who are definitely opposed to me returning.he said,”I’m not going to tell you what to do” …but clearly holding back all his thoughts
I feel very guilty and hurt for him because he’s not seeing his daughter and me.
So I did start messaging and speaking to him for a couple of days, but after I spoke to a DA helpline I went quiet for (detail removed by Moderator) days, because what they said resonated to an extent. He was understandably annoyed about this, and blames my parents for messing with my mind.
My mind is a mess, and so is my life.
My fear of going back which is a long way away, is that I wouldn’t see my friends or my family. Also that he would punish me with dark moods & psychoanalysis of how I’ve behaved
5th September 2021 at 10:58 am #131065
He kidnapped you child. You can bet he’s got your punishment lined up and you won’t see it coming. He knows your child is how to control you and he has just as much right to keep her as you do so get some good legal advice. Make sure you’re the resident parent legally. He’s not your responsibility and you can bet he’s counting on you carrying his guilt because then he doesn’t have to. Contact your local women’s aid for support
5th September 2021 at 1:13 pm #131069Grey RockParticipant
The fact that he’s being lovely while he thinks he’s got a good chance of getting what he wants is typical of the abuse cycle. You seem to know in your gut that things / he won’t change but the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) are so powerful in keeping survivors hooked in that reestablishing contact unfortunately seems to be inevitable at least a few times before we reach the level of acceptance that the good guy moments aren’t enough to compensate for the exhausting eggshell treading and b**w ups that are part of living with an abusive person. Reading the book Out of the Fog really helped me to decide that my love and compassion were better directed to myself and the people who care about me but don’t hurt me.
Memories of how my ex was at the start and in increasingly fleeting moments kept me hoping and dreaming that he might change if I went back, and minimising the controlling behaviour and hideousness of the relationship. Working through the Living With a Dominator book with women’s aid and using this forum has helped me with my own healing and moving on. I still struggle with sleep (going to bed and keeping waking in the night). I was told this is quite common and it was suggested to me that maybe I’m subconscious ly trying to keep control of my thoughts and emotions and surroundings by staying awake which kind of makes sense. I’m hoping this will improve with time and when I do the Freedom Program which should start soon.
The thought of a visit would terrify me. I’m just hoping he will honour his restraining order and stop making contact. But I remember a time when I would have been starting to get hopeful and believe his nice acts.
17th September 2021 at 3:02 pm #131571SingleMomSurvivorParticipant
His “niceness” is part of his very calculated abuse. For abusers, being nice is a manipulative action. I read that in Lundy Bancroft’s book and it was so eye opening. Niceness is meant to disorient us, to make us question our reality, to make us let our guard down, to make us wonder if the abuse was even abuse at all or really that bad because of how nice they are being. It’s meant to make others seem them as nice & reasonable people. The niceness is part of the abuse.
17th September 2021 at 7:33 pm #131580BoyMomParticipant
Confusion is a trademark trait of abuse.
His being lovely upon returning is 100% manipulation.
You want to believe something is true that is not true.
I’m so very sorry 🙁
Congratulations on getting out. Not overreacting whatsoever! The more chances you give them, the harder it is to get out.
17th September 2021 at 8:35 pm #131585BananaboatParticipant
He’s being nice and you’re seeing the ‘hope’ of being a happy family but lovely, remember what it was like before, the b**w outs, the anxiety, the fear. You’ve left him twice and on the second he used your child as a weapon with no regard for either of you…do you really think he’d let you leave a third time. It’s so hard isn’t it because they dangle the carrot of niceness and offering us what we want but it’s not real, or at least won’t last. Listen to your family, put you and your child first. By all means stay friendly but I wonder if when you say no to him, that might change on his side. Be careful. Be happy not scared.
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