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We’ve not been together years now.. I’m with a nice man (didn’t think they existed but they do) but we still have to have contact via a court approved app for our child. I still hate having to speak to him about anything… i still don’t think it’s easy to reason with him, I find him manipulative and patronising… but anyway, he’s recently split up from another girlfriend and told our day that this girlfriend did something bad.. I know I can’t go into specifics but it sounds more like something he’d do tbh. Anyway, I have his (now ex) girlfriends contact details and I decided to message her… to see if he’d maybe treated her the same way he had me… I know, I know… probably wasn’t the best move but I did it and here we are.
She asked me a lot of questions to which I gave her minimal information.. but the overall outcome was that he’s not at all an abusive person, that he was a lovely partner, loved her kids and is not the sort to be physically abusive. Another of his ex’s reached out to me a few years ago and said that whilst he wasn’t physically abusive towards her- she often thought he might be…. So this doesn’t really paint the same picture.
Was it really me all along, was I the one who pushed him to the physical abuse. I always felt that he was messing with my head but could
It really have been my perception getting it wrong all this time? -
Noooo @Starmoon! It definitely wasn’t you – please do not think that.
I think it’s so common for us to feel like we’re the ones who caused it, like there must be something awful or wrong with us for someone to treat us so horribly (I know I’ve definitely felt that way, and still feel that way) – but it really isn’t the case.
Don’t let his treatment of another person invalidate your own experiences. Just because he happened to be nice to one person (and you can only go off the information you’ve been provided, so can’t be sure this is the honest truth anyway) does not in any way mean that you are responsible or the reason for his behaviour or treatment towards you. How he treated you is on him. His abusive behaviour is on him. It has nothing to do with you or your character – you deserve better, and I think the fact that you are now with someone who treats you with kindness and respect hopefully is proof of that x
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No, trust yourself you know what you experienced. Just because she didn’t, doesn’t mean a thing – he might be still lovebombing her or she might not have recognised the red flags yet, or maybe he met his match, who knows. Don’t forget this lady will have only been told horrible things about you, and will have been trained to dislike you, so is unlikely to open her heart honestly. Plus she’s probably expecting him back so might be hiding the truth – so many ‘what ifs’, the only firm fact here is that you know you left him for a reason, it wasn’t easy and you’re so much better off now!! xx
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