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Things have been up and down with my recent partner. I’m plus years out of my long term abusive past.
But as there is trust issues in my relationship I have turned into questioning my partner where’s he’s going if he doesn’t invite me to go to the shops.
Most recently I noticed this woman on his friends list on social media from a place he hangs out. I asked him why she’s on his friends list as he told me previously he hardly speaks to her (she works there). He denies knowing how she’s on his friends list.
I’m so jelous I can’t cope with it. I always have this feeling something isn’t right. I can’t tell if this is because of our rocky relationship that has recently been good to be honest, or if this is my past because I’m used to living on the edge. My ex never mucked around with other women though, just about the only thing he didn’t do.
Thankyou I’m advance for reading I welcome peoples thoughts.
I don’t want to be like my ex questioning everything and onyone that looks his way. I just don’t know how to stop. I’m on the verge of tears all the time. -
Hi Ariel,
You say there have been trust issues and things have been rocky… maybe ask yourself when did you start to question his trust or didn’t you trust him throughout? Have you got reasons not to trust him?
Although, him denying knowing how she got there? of course he knows, it’s his account right!
I am sorry you feel close to tears, this is all distressing you, would it be beneficial to have some space from him for a bit whilst you think things through?
Trust your gut Ariel
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Some things happened on both our sides right at the beginning. But we worked through it. We agreed we would only have friends and family on our social media. So when I see her on it I questioned it in a way like I was annoyed just wondering why she’s on there. But it ended up with my apologising for saying he’s lieing that he didn’t know how she got on his friends list. Although I didn’t actually say he was lieing, I said I don’t understand how you don’t know how she’s on there!
But I just wish I didn’t care who he has on there. He ended up shouted at me for calling him a liar. I really don’t get it. -
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Ariel, this doesn’t sound healthy for anyone.
I have no idea if your anxiety about your partner is justified. Only you and he know that.
What I do know is the likely response if a lady came on this forum and said that her partner questioned where she was going if she went to the shops, checked her social media, questioned her if a male appeared on her friend list and she was only permitted to have certain groups of people on the friend list. It doesn’t look healthy from either side.
So take a deep breath and think about this. If there is no trust in this relationship and if it is going to torture you then is it the right relationship for you?
Can you talk to him about it so he can reassure you and you can stop checking his actions?
Maybe Hereforhelp is right and you need a bit of space to think.
Good luck in sorting it. -
I worry about this question too.
I’m so concerned I’ll meet another abuser I question everything and believe that I need to be smart and think how they do so I don’t fall for it again. The rational side of me puts my foot down and tells me to quit thinking about playing games and be the emotionally mature adult I used to be but trust comes hard.
I won’t looking for a relationship because of this.
Have you got a therapist that you can talk through how you are feeling and help guide you? -
What stands out for me in your posts is that you are not happy how things are so something isn’t right for you. If it’s you with insecurities and trust issues because of your last relationship then that can be worked on with the right help.
I have just ended a relationship (I am still extracting myself from my abusive husband’s control, zero contact though) it was lovely, easy at first as we were originally just friends and they knew about my nasty husband, so we knew each other… X amount of time later (way past the so called honeymoon period and my separating from nasty husband).. their behaviour started to change and so did mine. so I started to keep a journal as mostly it was a good, healthy equal relationship but i needed to do this as i.still hadn’t trusted my gut. There have been 2 other incidents, all about them and their insecurities and always around.the time i am going out somewherewithout them… so I ended it as I was starting to feel unwell again. I used to think about them all the time, all day, at night… I knew it wasn’t healthy but I couldn’t stop. I wanted them to feel the same about me… I am relieved I ended it as i am not ready to trust myself with anyone until I feel stronger. But that is me and where I am at. I also didn’t live with them but I completely get the constantly thinking about them (I used to day dream too 🙈 all about them).
Have you done a Pattern Change course? That course is helping me so much. When you left your ex, did you have time to get to know you as you are now? You are a survivor, strong and have survived so much already. I think you asking for advice on this forum means you are aware something isn’t right. Have you considered therapy or counselling for DA? ❤️
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