Have you ever felt like

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Have you ever felt like you are the abuser, because your perpetrator makes you doubt yourself, or because he pushes you to react in the wrong way or to say the wrong thing, or because you simply have had enough and you become angry, nasty, and you lose self control. Have you ever done something you regretted doing because of abuse? Have you ever felt guilty, confused, lost, thinking maybe you are the abuser, or that you could become an abuser, or have been an abuser?
Or through your ordeal, have you always tried and succeeded to remain a good person?
I sometimes feel like I may have done something wrong myself. Maybe it is because of the things he has said to me lately, which I found unfair, but he sure knows how to get a reaction out of me. His latest actions have been based on naming me the abuser in our family, and he says things to make me doubt myself.
The thing is, where do we draw the line, for surely none of us are perfect? Are we?
There are times when I don’t know anything any more… 🙁

[Anonymous]

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I think her point makes sense about doing out of character things in a out of the normal environment where you are being driven crazy. It doesn’t remove responsibility but if you think of it like that in context it could help to be more understanding of yourself.

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I found this thread. ^^ I guess it just shows people being honest about their reactive actions and shows you are not alone/may help give some perspective in some way.

I have struggled a lot with this and am still struggling a lot with it. My boyfriends covert emotional abuse is so hard to explain yet some of my actions towards the end became more overtly bad and something tangible to point to and then all all his overtly bad actions were forgotten already and his covert emotional abuse which probably got worse and even more covert as it went on is not recognised at all. But the effects are still and I’m starting to at least recognise it. Although really I keep going back to blaming it all on me and feeling terrible about every week. I don’t by any means excuse my behaviour and never will and I am definitely going to make sure I don’t act like that again. But I am starting to see how it was reactive and how I have been judging myself too harshly. I doubt that all the time though and feel a lot of guilt so I’m probably not the best to give advice on how to move forward, sorry, but I relate to what you’re going through it seems. I have got angry, shouted, said nasty things yes as I became out of control, desperate, frustrated. I didn’t know what was going on so I didn’t know how to handle it. When normal communicating of important things is not allowed and you made to believe it is you with the problem and you ruining it there becomes limited options as you become confused. I think that was basically like it was for me. I developed ocd whilst in the relationship and used to try to get him to go along with my rituals which I feel awful about. The worst thing I did was throw a champagne bottle at the floor in front of him. I was completely out of control and I just remember wanting to see the bottle smash on the floor. It could have injured him and I felt sick and extremely terrible about it about it. I still do but I’m currently not obsessing about it/beating myself up about it too much after talking to people online about it and gaining some perspective. I know it was wrong and not to do it again of course but I also have some perspective on it now and am moving on from it more than I was to forgive myself somewhat. And I guess I should see it as an opportunity to improve myself too rather than just blame myself.

And no, none of us are perfect. We are human. I regret my actions but I can try to forgive myself and try to see it in perspective and have compassion. I think it is best to just try to see things as they are. And that doesn’t involve any amount of victim blaming towards yourself (abusers and other probably have done enough as it is! So that needs to rectified to see who the perpetrator is and get rid of their warped perspective and unnecessary over blown guilt they have likely heaped on to you) and seeing things for how they are of course does not involve seeing ‘victims’ as perfect or saints but human. After being in an abusive relationship I think seeing things for how they really are/were can be difficult at first and be a bit like a balancing act which for me at least keeps tipping to be more even and then tipping back. But I think we have been programmed by abusers and possibly others who don’t understand to tilt so far one way that it may take some time at first to get upright again see things for what they are.

I’m starting to see how there is a difference between abuse and reactive abuse as well. (It’s funny because I find it easy to look at others stories and give positive words and advice but I’m sorry if that is dampened by my own doubting to my own situation).

Someone said somewhere that ‘if you keep poking a bunny it will bite you’ about reacting to abuse.

My ex told his whole family that I have BPD (his diagnosis) and goodness knows what else he told them to back up his claims and probably make me out as the one to blame for everything and crazy. As you said he knows how to get a reaction out of you and make you doubt yourself. My ex was like that to me as well. And now sometimes I feel like my perspective is his perspective and I keep thinking about it all like him and blaming everything on myself. But I am better than how I was right after he broke up with me.. at least even if it seems small now. I think things will get better for you and I you will have more compassion and trust in yourself and in how you were in that abusive environment.

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