Haven't seen him that angry in a long time

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Me again, I feel completely drained after today’s tirade of abuse. Anyone else get the tires feeling, the headache, the dizziness after a long long day of a barrage of verbal abuse? He was really really angry today. He threatened physical violence and was so so horrible to me. He was even mean to our daughter, luckily she’s too little to understand what people are saying but I feel like such a bad Persian for having a child with this man and giving my daughter him as a father. He almost pulled me over at one point and was going crazy when we stopped to get our child some lunch and threw his sandwich wrapper on the floor of the shop in a mood and was ramming our daughters pram into the shop walls. I was so embarrassed. He demanded to see my bank account as well to see how much money I had. He’s gone out now to smoke weed with his mates (he has a bad weed problem) Why did I pick such a terrible person 🙁

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

God, *person not Persian!!

[Fuzzyfelt]

I’m sorry you are having such a bad day, he sounds a complete (detail removed by Moderator)!
I’m sure we are all asking why we picked such men… perhaps a better question is why were we so unlucky to be chosen by such creatures?
If we could only go back in time…. I’m not being very helpful am I lol.
I hope you stay safe this evening x*x

[Dragonfly]

Your situation sounds terrible. Is there anywhere you can go tonight? Away from him.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Fuzzyfelt, it’s okay I get what you mean lol I often wish I could go back in time and picked a different dad for my daughter. She doesn’t deserve such a horrible horribke man like him. Dragonfly, I don’t have anywhere to go my family live hours away and I don’t drive, friends are very few and far between and are all busy with their families for mad holiday period. I wouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere anyway because I wouldn’t leave without taking my daughter and he would physically stop me taking her, I just know he would. This afternoon when he was in a rage I said me and our daughter would leave and he could have the house, his response was that if I tried to take her anywhere he would follow and make my life hell to the point where I would wish I wasn’t living x

[KIP.]

What you are feeling is your bodies physical response to the stress it’s under. The hightened awareness, the high blood pressure causing the headaches and dizzinesss. It’s destructive and will destroy your mental health. Your child picks up on this too. Ring the helpline. Try to get a safety plan in place. He chose you as a victim, easy to manipulate, take money from and abuse. You don’t have to put up with this. Start with the helpline or contact your local women’s aid.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Kip, that makes sense. He really does think he can behave any way he wants and use me as a verbal punchbag. I did ring the helpline twice but it went to like an automated voicemail thing. I can’t ask them to call me back because I don’t know when there will be a safe time for me to talk when he’s out cause he’s off work for two weeks. I will keep trying helpline x

[Anonymous]

i had a verbally abusive first husband you become conditioned to it and just start accepting it he was angry all the time it is embarrassing in front of people and drains you physically i divorced him and never regretted it you need support and a plan

[Appleblossom]

Hi, start planning for safety. Set up a bank account that he doesn’t know about and start saving up. I stayed with my girl’s father through years of yo-young abuse. One minute he’s fine and lovely and thoughtful, literally the next he’s turn into a monster and chase me around the house. Over nothing- food shopping once 🙁

I never thought I’d leave him. I thought I had enough strength to put up with his c**p, so I could give my girl that “perfect” family. But his abuse escalated to include my family, and scarily our little one. That was always, in my mind the time I would pull the plug. I’d promised myself that as soon as I saw evidence of her being affected negatively we’d leave. And we did. Just over (detail removed by Moderator) now. I hate being a single mother. I hate being single. I hate not being a cosy married couple. I hate the hell my girl and I went through, but, leaving was the best thing we did. We have peace. It doesn’t feel like my head will explode with stress. I’m not terrified all the time. My girl is flourishing. I can finally “ like” myself again. I can see myself for the alright person I have turned into. We have good friends, and a full and busy life. I’m exhausted all the time, but my mind is clear. The flashbacks persist. I still cry, I still miss the man I fell in love with and married so confidently. But it had to be done. The way I see it is that everyone has their cross to bear, and this is mine. And as painful as it is, I aim, with the Grace of God to do it with style 😉

Good luck. Start planning. Start saving. X*x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi rockandroll, sorry you’re having a rough time. In response to your question about why did you choose him and wanting to go back and change things. I have had decades to think about that one. Personally I don’t believe WE choose them, They target us for being gentle caring souls. We are perfect for them to manipulate!
Secondly I felt like you to begin with. However now I don’t regret ‘being selected’, I only regret not leaving sooner. If he hadn’t selected me I wouldn’t have my two handsome, intelligent, kind and caring sons. They are worth the hell I have endured. Yes I could have had children with a nicer kinder man, but they would be different people. Like many of you they are the reason I stayed, because he’d taken all my confidence away by the time I had my second son and I believed him when he told me I couldn’t survive without him and I wanted my sons to have a good start in life. Unfortunately my younger son has suffered because I was not mentally or physically strong enough to leave sooner. I hope to take him with me when we leave. Soon I hope.
Phone Women’s aid to help you put a safety plan in place. They don’t pressure you or take things out of your hands, but are extremely supportive and can help you find the right help, give advice, they have drop in sessions for legal advice and groups for support and confidence building etc. I expect they vary, but phone and find out. You shouldn’t go through this alone and he sounds dangerous to me. My advice would be to have an emergency plan in place even if you don’t use it straight away. Good luck 😉

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks for your replies guys. I have written a list of essential things that I need to
Pack for me and my daughter should we need to make an exist quickly. I have a spare bag to pack it all in but I’m struggling with a place to store it so he doesn’t find it and question me. Appleblossom, well done for getting out! You sound like you’re a lot happier now even though it is hard. i to like you had the image of a perfect family in my head. All I ever wanted was my own happy family and when we met and had our daughter I thought I had found it. Even when he was being really abusive I thought if I put up with it tillour daughter is old enough to not mind is splitting up then she won’t come from a broken home but I know now that it’s better for her and for me if I leave him because this isn’t a happy family. Every time I’d tried to leave him in the past he’d accuse me of using him to have a baby with and then leave which was never the plan, I would never have chosen to be a single mum. Again like yours Appleblossom mine can switch back and forth from nasty to normal just like that. It was very very confusing especially when I was pregnant, he would blame me and say I was too hormonal or too emotional and he couldn’t deal with it. He wrecked my pregnancy and I’ll be d****d if he wrecks my daughters life too. I do have a savings account so I will start saving up bits of money when I can.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Freedom fighter, thanks for your reply and advice! That’s a really different way of looking at it, I’ve never considered that he may have targeted me due to me just being so laid back. He had a lot of time to study me as we met at work and had known each other for some time before we got together. Your sons sound lovely and you are right our kids wouldn’t be who they are now if they had different fathers. Sounds like we are roughly at the same stage of trying to leave. Although I haven’t managed to get through to the helpline yet so will keep trying. We can do this 🙂 xx

[Appleblossom]

Ha ha Rock and Roll, I thought the same thing- I was thinking x number of years until my little one goes to university then I’ll leave him. He forced my hand. Loser.

[Freedomfighter]

I thought the same, wait until they go to college. They’ve been, but we’re all still together. I have physical and mental health issues which makes me worry about coping without his financial support and thought I’d have to wait (detail removed by moderator) for a divorce, longer for my share of the house. My husband told me before he’d never agree to a divorce. I didn’t think anyone would believe me about the abuse since he’s so good at lying. But my solicitor is confident we can get a quick divorce. I hope she’s right. He will drag it out as long as he can and I’m sure he’s already hidden his money after the last time I threatened to leave. I don’t really care that he’s going to walk away far richer than me, I just need enough for a little security, roof over my head and freedom from his control. We can do this together. They have to learn that it’s not ok to treat us like this. They have to learn that sooner or later we will all leave and win our freedom back!

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Freedom fighter, I’m glad your solicitor is helping and you are looking at a quick divorce. I fear not being believed too as he is quite good at lying and can convince me that I’ve done things I haven’t really done so he’d have no problem convincing the law that he was the innocent party. We definitely can do this together! We weren’t born into the world with the sole purpose of being an emotional or physical punchbag for abusive men x

[Freedomfighter]

You’re so right, we are our parents daughters and our children’s mothers. So when we feel our resolve weaken we should win our freedom for their sake as well as our own. Good luck with your journey 😊

[Author]

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