Having a bad day

[Mime]

Its been a while since I was on here, but last year this forum helped me find the strength to end the abusive relationship I was in and to stay out.

To begin with we had a lot of contact, because he said he wanted to see our child – she’s (detail removed by moderator), but she lives with me. I can’t go into details because its complicated. I went along with it at first, but realised it was mainly out of fear because he’d always threatened to call social services and have her taken off me, and so I did everything I could to appease him, which is what I’d always done, and I despised myself for it.

In the end I got up the strength to end all contact, because I realised he was using my child to get to me, and his abusive ways were escalating again and finally I felt strong enough to stand up to him.

Now he’s made contact again asking to see my child, and when I wouldnt agree, he’s sent me a long nasty abusive email, blaming me for everything and claiming to be the victim – saying I imagined that he’d abused me because of the physical abuse in my previous relationships. (He said a lot more, and none of this is his actual words, but this is the gist of what he said)

I replied very briefly, explaining why he can’t see her (she was afraid of his anger) and that I’m not responding to any further communication (not the actual words, but again the gist)

This contact from him has thrown me back into utter panic, and I feel paralysed with anxiety. So I’ve come back on here because this is where I got the strength to leave, and I need to stay strong, but I feel so weak and afraid.

And I’m so frustrated with myself that it’s almost (detail removed by moderator) since I ended it, and it feels like I’m in the same place with my emotions – I don’t know how to function, and even the thought of getting up and getting ready for the day leaves me in a panic, because I’m afraid he’ll be there waiting for me – I know he won’t, but its like he’s watching me all the time.

I’ve never been so afraid of another person, I feel like I’m going mad (he always said I was) because all I can do is sit here afraid to do anything. He’s sent me another text while I’ve been writing this and I’m too afraid to open it. My heart is going ten to the dozen and I don’t know what to do.

[nbumblebee]

Morning,
You are incredable so strong so brave and you have been fighting hard for so long. Just because you have left it doesnt make any of the hurt the pain the fear totally go away Im not sure if it ever totally goes I may be wrong.
Your feeling are valid sweetie of course you are gonna fear him still and this new contact will bring back all that fear.
I was raped (detail removed by moderator) ago by a family member even now when i see him or when someone mentions his name i freeze in fear it all comes back and hits me.
My advice would be to delete the messages and block him. Contact someone you trust and tell them hes bothering you talk this through with someone so theres someone out there that knows he has made contact. Did you have any help from WA or a DA worker? If so could you get in touch with them? The more people you tell i think the less alone and afraid you will feel.
But dont feel like you are going mad you arent at all you are still that amazing couragous inspiring brave woman dont let him back into your head.
Sending much love xx

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