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Why does it all mess with your head so much? One week I hate him, then I just don’t like him. Ok for one evening then snappy & picking for a few days so I left him in peace in the evening (in the same room) & just did some reading etc. Now he says in a message that I won’t talk to him, I was just staying out of the way! It’s gone from being uncomfortable to him saying he won’t talk about it anymore (we need to talk as we hardly ever do properly!).
But I think really he’s laying the guilt on me & trying to make me feel bad. On bad days, I want to finish it and get out but then I panic on days days like this as I’d be ripping my family apart. I’m reality I don’t want to be with him with being nervous about his moods & everything else. I just need to be a lot braver. My family should understand but I think they just feel bad for the children.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I don’t know what he’ll say when he gets home, if he says anything. I want someone else to do this for me š -
Iām in exactly the same place as you – if I could fast forward a month and have the actual break up done with I would do it in a heartbeat. Iām just not brave enough to do it!
My husband is away this week and the first few days Iāve been so relaxed but the closer his return date comes the more on edge I feel.
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Hi confused-and-alone. Thank you for commenting on my post. It’s awful isn’t it. I feel exactly as you do as my husband is often away with work – he can ruin the week has away for me by having a go at me before I goes. Even if he doesn’t, I’m soooo relieved when he’s gone but anxious for days when he’s due to return. I never used to realise this but now I feel I vs see it all and that makes it worse. I really feel for you knowing you feel the same.
He surprised me last night – said nothing for the first few hours then when the kids went to bed, he said he was going too. Relief. But he came back down saying he would talk.
2 hours of discussion, he was clearly worried as he has promised to try much harder with his temper, with how he speaks to my daughter, with most things really. He even said that he hasn’t realised what he was doing and if it was as bad as I said, it was abuse and he was sorry, when I mentioned how I feel pressured into sex and other things.
Why does take us to be falling apart for this to be realised?! I don’t trust him still, he’s treatimg me so badly over the years that I don’t feel any love or respect for him anymore and just don’t like him.
But I’m going to hang in there for the last time for him to prove it if he can, but I feel we’re too far time for that. But hanging in there mainly so I can get my head together, get some more info and get a plan the best IHow they think you can just move on after all this is beyond me. There have been years that I could have dealt with anger issues, it’s clearly not going to happen and not last for long.
Good luck confused-and-alone. I know we have a struggle ahead that we can’t imagine but to be able to make decisions, have peace and not be scared is worth so much and is what we deserve x
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I feel so bad talking about him like this as while heās away heās ringing me telling me how much he misses and loves me and Iām sure when he gets home heāll be lovely for a bit – but it never lasts and if he gets back and I havenāt done everything to his standards then I know heāll have a go at me and tell me how useless I am.
I feel the same as you in that I canāt believe him even when he is making an effort because I know it wonāt last.
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My husband is the same when he’s away – always much nicer and calls every day but I know this is for his benefit not mine. We’ve settled down again but I actually a lot worse than when it was all going wrong as I’m sure I don’t love him anymore and I know I don’t like him and feel disappointed that we have to try again. It’s doing my head in, the sun is shining again, another beautiful day but I feel totally miserable. I’m at home all week as its got to me so much that I don’t want to go anywhere unless there’s no one around and it’s doing me no good. Only my kids and a few friends make me feel sane.
I’ve seen some postson the forum today which are cases so much worse than mine and I feel so sorry for these lovely ladies. But I can’t get my head straight. I went from feeling sick on Tuesday to eating loads of rubbish the last few days. I feel I want him to snap one more time so I can just get us out of here! But I don’t know if the kids would understand, but in many ways, keep it would be better for them.
Wishing you all strength and comfort x -
Answer to your first sentence/question. Because it is control and twisted garbage being done to you to maintain the control. He is trying to make you feel bad and at fault, that way he does not look bad. It is not healthy.
There are people that say they are concerned about the children and it’s all about the children. If they were, they would be concerned about the children being in that environment with the actual abuser.
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It’s a big thing, to realise that you are actually being abused and there are names for all the behaviours you are experiencing, Anotherlife. To realise that a relationship is coming to an end because of behaviour which is nothing to do with you, is a really big thing.
It is not always easy just to move out especially with children. Lots of women live in abusive relationships all their lives. I was prepared to as I just didn’t understand the extent of my husband’s behaviour.
Please make contact with Womens Aid, so they can guide you through your experience. Like so many other people, you are probably minimising what is happening to you. Please also tell your gp, and if your children are school age, please let the school know what is going on.
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Hi ladies. Thank you for your replies. It’s still quiet here, he’s still trying to be nice but luckily he’s away for most of this month on and off.
To be honest, I think I have lost myself underneath all the years as feeling anxious and tip toeing over the eggshells. I don’t remember or recognise who I used to be and who I’ve become. It’s amazing how they can get to you so much. I didn’t realise what was going on.
Maddog – I told the schools a few weeks ago & saw the gp the same week, as I was starting to feel physically vulnerable and worried for the children in the same way.
He really has calmed down though. Don’t take that for me thinking it’s all ok though – it’s nothing of the sort. I’m just waiting. I think he’s realised he could lose us all though & this is why he’s trying. You can’t treat someone the way he has though & be that nasty, then expect it to be ok. His temper got worse over the years, along with his attitude & opinions. He was the nastiest he’s ever been just over a month after I had an operation last year, he’s a bully, always had to have the last word & thinks his opinion is right. I think he’s managed to push me down enough for me to lose all my self confidence & sense of who I am. I’m lost at the moment in a sad spiral of overeating, feeling down, worrying constantly, etc. I don’t want to be like this.
I’m so thankful for this safe place to post our worries on thr forum and get support from others x -
I can totally relate to what you are saying the constant anxiety over what they are going to say/do makes you forget who you were before. I am in a similar position at the moment where he is making the effort to be nice and normally I would be happy while heās like this but itās like now Iāve realised what heās doing and how unhappy I am I canāt believe him even when heās trying because I know it wonāt last. I feel like Iām just waiting for it all to kick off. I donāt really have any advice for how to get over this just wanted to show you some support and say you are not alone x
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