Having a bad day

[soconfused2]

I’m having a bad day.

I have filed for divorce from my husband who I think is (sometimes) emotionally abusive. Since he got the papers he won’t acknowledge my existence, even in front of the children and I’m really struggling.

I feel so sad. I don’t think it will be worth it because we will never have the good times as a family again. I know he hasn’t always treated me well – never apologises, blames me for everything, silent treatment – but it wasn’t always bad and now I feel like it is always going to be awful and I will always be sad and my children will have a father who won’t acknowledge their mother’s existence, instead of nice holidays and days out as a family.

I feel like I have ruined everything. I snapped because he was accusing me of abuse and filed the papers. I wish I hadn’t because this is too hard.

I just wish he would speak to me.

Not really sure why I’m posting here, but I’m really struggling. I think I should have worked harder at the relationship. Now its too late.

Any support welcome. I feel so low.

[KIP.]

It doesn’t matter how nice you are to him he will always abuse you. It doesn’t work living with an abuser while ending the relationship because he’s going to make your life unbearable. It’s also dangerous. He’s going to drag this out and punish you. It won’t always be like this and I know it’s daunting but you’re doing the best thing for the kids by leaving an abusive relationship. They need a happy confident mum and she will return when she’s free from abuse. Contact your local women’s aid for support. He’s going to get worse so try to make a safe exit plan. Google the cycle of abuse and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

[KIP.]

Don’t blame yourself, it doesn’t matter how hard you worked at the relationship it takes two to make it work and his aim is to dominate and abuse. He’s not looking for a kind caring reciprocal partnership. He’s looking for someone to destroy to make himself feel big. It’s not your fault, there is no guilt for you to carry although abusers keep us in a FOG of fear Obligation and Guilt. Concentrate on your safety and that of the children. Google trauma bonding. Cognitive dissonance.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
I think maybe the trauma bond may be making you have your doubts also.
I can relate to that snapping, to leave I had to do certain things that were not reversible, but sometimes we need to follow that gut feeling. I had times when I had had enough and I started the process, then I would regret it and wish I never did it!
I think the cycle of abuse is so ingrained, we follow the pattern of thinking unconsciously.
So some days/minutes we want to leave(when they are abusive), then some days/minutes we want to stay(the lovebombing).
I still feel it even after leaving, I go through a phase when I know i did the right thing, then again go through a phase when I would just miss him and wonder if i did the right thing.
You did the right thing, sometimes being abusive is just them going through the cycle of abuse.
x*x

[Anonymous]

Can recognise this.

Especially the silent treatment. Most I feel would agree that this is designed to make you feel bad about yourself, and abandoned.

KIP is right about living with an abuser not working.

One of the main reasons is, that if you carry on doing that then your time and brain space will be limited in terms of clarity – to see things straight and visualise your future.

You will have got into the habit of not even believing certain things are possible.

But they are.

As long and as difficult a journey as it has sometimes been creating a new life me with DD.
And some regrets I do have…not leaving earlier, where I chose to live, not fighting sooner and better through the courts…making do with a settlement that was later and less than I deserved…

Leaning on people after leaving who I thought had the answers but in fact were dysfunctional and regretting doing that because I doubted my own wisdom.

I don’t regret the fork in the road, or the leaving. Ever.

I don’t regret the fork in the road, or the leaving. Ever. You can do this, you will find a way. Get your notebook out and take that first step. Small or large. Just take the step.

[Bananaboat]

I’m sorry you’re feeling so blue and don’t forget it’s his behaviour making you feel that. When you say you’re sad about not having family days out anymore if he ignores you, were you hoping to still have them after being divorced? If so and I don’t mean to sound harsh but that’s probably an unlikely expectation anyway, even if he wasn’t abusive in anyway. Yes some families manage it but they are the rare cases. How did you feel when you prepared the divorce papers and were ready to give them over – happy/relieved/in control? Probably anxious too but I mean about your life, if so remind yourself of that. He’s going to try every trick in the book now you’ve taken a controlling step, silent treatment is a big one, and he knows it’s affecting you and the children…but doesn’t stop. Keep going with your exit plan, it’s a rough day today but sunnier ones are coming for you x

[Wants To Help]

Hi soconfused,

It’s natural to have doubts when you make such a huge decision. I’m sure you have thought about this divorce process and it has taken some time for the papers to be drawn up and served on him. This ‘snap decision’ you have made has not been done on a total whim, it was the result of a process where you have had enough.

The fact that your husband is now completely ignoring you is proof of his emotional abuse. Your post says that you ‘think’ he was sometimes emotionally abusive… well here is the proof that weren’t imagining it before.

Your children can still have happy family days out. The ‘family’ will look different to what you hoped for, but days out with you can be happy ones, holidays with you, their grandparents (if they are alive), aunties and uncles. They can still have happy days out with their dad, grandparents on his side etc (if he behaves responsibly.)

A relationship doesn’t have to be ‘always’ bad for us to want to leave it, ‘bad enough’ is sufficient, ‘not being happy’ is also a good reason to leave. We have one chance at life and we need to do the most we can with that one chance. Living in misery ourselves in order to please other people is such a waste of our life. The happier we are then the happier people are around us, including our children.

Instead of thinking you have ruined everything, think that this is the step to making everything better for you and your future. You filed for divorce for a reason and that reason is still valid.

[Author]

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