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So my Dad is an alcoholic and since learning about abusive behaviour in leaving my ex (which was emotional, verbal, financial and physical) I have opened a door into my childhood and how my dad was abusive to my mother and to us kids. Emotionally, not physically. My Dad has kicked off this month and we havent really been able to make up since. He has been a real rock for me through the seperation and loosing his support during this time has really hurt but equally he keeps saying things like ‘grow up’ and saying things then saying he didnt say them.. its really confusing and I feel overwhelmed. I had to block him today on whatsapp. I am trying to juggle (detail removed by Moderator), work, kids, bully of an ex and emotional control from my dad.
It just seems overwhelming at times. I feel like I get pushed and pushed and I spend 99% of my time fighting anxiety attacks. Im always watching the clock counting down to doing the next thing… the handovers when I know I get the fear and then I get to spend a couple of days relaxing and regrouping before the kids come back. I get the fear about having panic attacks when I have the kids, that is really hard work. I feel trapped a lot. I dont have family locally and I feel like moving away closer to them would be really hard for the kids and their dad, my ex, would kick off like mad that access would have to change… (detail removed by Moderator)…
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Hi hon and big supporting hugs to you! This must be really tough to be getting it from 2 angles. My ex has ignored me pretty much. On the one hand it makes things peaceful but on the other I still keep checking my emails for any contact. I’m waiting for things to kick off now I’ve started divorce.
It can be so exhausting trying to deal with our own pain, raising children, coping with everyday life and in ur case putting up with 2 angles of attack.
I can only offer you a virtual hand to hold and re-iterate what I’ve read many times on here: be gentle with yourself you are doing the best you can in a s****y situation.
Take care hon x
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Hi Bunsandcakes,
I had a similar dawning realisation about my family when I left my abusive ex. I realised that a lot of the behaviour that the literature, helpline, support workers told me was abuse was familiar to me, mainly emotional abuse.
Initially I stopped speaking to my parents but it became too difficult as I still live with them, so now we talk but I keep my distance and am wary. I have reduced contact with my brother too and am in the process of moving house. For the meantime I’ve decided to cope with it by being low contact and I’m on a waiting list for a specialist abuse organistion so that I can analyse, understand and heal from it with their help. I plan to build a support network of friends once I’ve settled in athough it’s not easy to find good, kind, trustworthy people and takes time to get to know people.
It sounds like you need to go low contact with your dad. A good analogy is ‘you can’t get a Chinese meal from an Indian takeway’ ie. dont go to him for support because it sounds like he makes this worse and is abusive too – telling you to grow up is incredibly unkind and unhelpful and denying he said things is gaslighting. It is very hard but the person who can provide you with the most support is you. Tune into your own inner reserves, listen to your heart and gut and do what feels best. Then access the support of people who are helpful, such as outreach workers, counsellors, the helpline, the forum, any friends who understand and I often ring Samaritans too when I have no one else to ask.
Writing it all down helps a lot too. Break problems down into steps and tackle one at a time. Are you getting any help for your panic and anxiety? If not then ask your gp about it, I have had some very good therapy on the nhs for anxiety and panic which has helped me manage them a lot better. Feel free to send me a message any time.
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