10th February 2020 at 8:22 pm #97490
Having a bad day…..after bad day…after bad day…..after weeks of it. I can’t bear this any more!
Before the weekend I spent the whole day in a&e because of something I’d done to myself. They didn’t keep me in but I got reported to social services because the woman said I was suicidal and a danger around the kids which was way off the mark.
My youngest has come home saying his dad is picking him up on a day he shouldn’t be and I’m at work so if he does there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it.
Therapy was cancelled again and to be honest I can’t be bothered with it.
I feel so angry. Like raging anger. I’m not sure if it’s the new medicine I’m taking or what but I feel pure anger with the gp, the therapist, my boss, my ex, the children, my family……everyone!
I’m not used to feeling like this. I feel so full of hatred and anger and it won’t stop coming out of my mouth.
I know that tomorrow will be the same because yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that…..nothing can keep my attention. I can’t read, watch telly, talking to people is a nightmare because I flip like a switch and I can’t feel when it’ll happen so I just rage. I don’t want to tell anybody that I’m feeling like this because I don’t trust anyone anymore. I already was feeling like I’d somehow triggered the therapist so she doesn’t want to see me again and now another cancellation makes me think I’m probably right!
I hate being so needy, I really do……it’s not me that I want to hurt any more though and that’s just not normal for me.
10th February 2020 at 11:30 pm #97496
This is probably the wrong thing to say to you but could you do a gratitude list starting at A, to Z. It’s so hard to do when ur feeling like you do I know but it’s worth trying because it will start to work on your mindset. You can do it while lying in bed. Or start in your body as you lie there. Thank-you for my legs and feet because it means I can walk etc. Then thank you for my arms and hands because…etc Thank you for my eyes because it means I can see and thank you for my ears because… This practice of gratitude (which I know is a struggle to do when feeling so horrible) will start to affect your feelings. Feeling grateful is a strong feeling too. The gratitude list from A-Z may help you sleep.
Ok so you had a set back with the self-harming at the weekend but that’s ok we all have slips; that’s part of recovery. Sometimes it’s one step forward and 2 steps back but you are making real substantial progress. You’re being honest and you’re reaching out for support in here with the overwhelming feelings. And that is such healing that you’ve come to a place where you do not want to hurt yourself anymore.
If you feel the new tablets you’ve been out on are causing you to feel huge rages check it out with your GP as it’s not unknown for that to happen. I’ve heard that before with certain meds.
10th February 2020 at 11:38 pm #97497
Sometimes when I’m feeling like you describe I write in my journal “me” with a circle around it and out with arrows all the people affecting me. So in your case it would be your boss, your ex, the therapist, your GP, your children, your family, having to be in a&e and the report sent to social services. No wonder you feel like you do; you’ve all these things happen at once. This can happen me and I just have to ride it out. Ride out the storm. It helps me to keep repeating “This Too Shall Pass”
11th February 2020 at 9:32 am #97500
Thank you so much LoNC. I’m finding life a bit overwhelming to say the least and listing what I’m grateful for in my head is keeping me grounded. I don’t know how it’s all gone south so quick. This hatred is really getting me down.
11th February 2020 at 11:25 am #97504
All you have to do is get through today. Cut yourself some slack and if all you manage to do today is empty a waste paper bin and smell a rose that’s ok. I too get really affected by other people’s behaviors and too much at once sends me into a spiral. Something to do with being very sensitive to things around me and having porous boundaries. A very sad story in the news can affect me for days as I start walking in their shoes. I’m trying to detach a bit more….with love. I have to try and just focus on what I have to do each day, my responsibilities for that day with my children and the house and appointments and self-care, getting my walk in. To keep focused on myself isn’t my natural place but I’m getting better at it and at least my life stays pretty manageable.
So just focus on today. Let go of the past what happened at the weekend etc. Let go of the future and what your ex may or may not do and let go of what your therapist thinks of your situation(she hasn’t walked in your exact shoes), let go of Social Seevices and what may or may not happen. Just focus on you and your children today. Keep everything simple. A simple dinner. And get support in here if your boss starts playing up again.
11th February 2020 at 5:34 pm #97521
That’s exactly what happens to me. Thank you so much for helping me get through this! I haven’t self harmed today. I’ve just got a couple of things done (shopping /sent a letter/rang a helpline/got dressed) but it’s more than I did yesterday. It’s sometimes easy to forget how much I have to be grateful for. Thanks LoNC 💖
12th February 2020 at 4:31 pm #97580
Well done. You are a survivor. And eventually you will thrive not just survive. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep reaching out for help when it all gets too much.
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