Having a really bad day.

[Kaybee23]

I really miss my abuser and I don’t know how I’ll ever get over it. I really loved him and wanted nothing more than us to be a family. It’s so confusing, he’s so nice to everyone else but when he got in a rage he would be awful to me – name calling, belittling me, threats of social services, Ignoring me, accusing me of things, telling me our child isn’t his. I don’t understand why I love him so much, all I can think about is how excited and in love I was with him at the start, all the nice times, the times he’d be really loving and caring towards me and it breaks my heart. I know I won’t go back now I need to stay away for my own sanity and my children’s but I feel so empty inside and all I want to do is cry. I guess I’m just grieving everything, I loved him more than I loved myself. He’s been really nice to me too what makes it worse, telling me he thought I was the one, that he’s gutted we didn’t make it and it kills me thinking he might get with someone else really soon and treat them better and it’s me who’s faulty.

(detail removed by moderator) we have to still have contact as he’s supervised contact with our child. I’ve never known a side like that to me I was screaming at him how he’s abused me and made me feel worthless and said some nasty things, I’ve been upset about it because I don’t know where that come from it was like a red mist came over me and it’s scared me and it’s made me feel abusive. (detail removed by moderator) I really don’t recognise or understand myself at the moment 🙁

[wildandfree]

Oh Kaybee, I feel for you. I totally understand your grief and confusion over it all. You are allowed to grieve the relationship. It is ok to miss them, but also remember why you left.
I have been out for a few years and I still struggle with the confusion over it all. I could never understand how the man who was supposed to love me better than anyone else, could treat me the worst. I mean, 8 billion other people on the planet treated me better than the one who claimed to love me more than anyone else ever would!

The things that helped me were learning about the abuse. Read the Lundy Bancroft book, or the Emma Rose Byham ‘Was it even abuse?’. It will help you to see that all your emotions are absolutely valid, including the confusion over the end of the relationship.

And sadly and inevitably, he probably will get into a relationship straight away( mine was less than a week!). But it does not reflect on you or your worth. It is about them. It may seem that they are treating the next person better, but it is all a cover. Remember abuse is not about pushing you away, it is about breaking your self worth so you never leave. The good times with the bad just around the corner, never knowing quite when, so you can never quite relax. And it will happen to the next one.

You have been amazingly strong to get this far. You and your child deserve to be happy. Keep moving forward.
Sending hugs.

[Lost lady]

Oh Kaybee that’s so sad. You have been so brave getting out of it and i wish i so wish i had your strength
I have on occasion lost it when he is being so incredibly hurtful and never in my life have i been like that, they push to get a reaction. Mine has said many time the kids are not his the same as yours. It gets so confusing, i really feel like i live with two people and deeply loved him but i just never know which version i will get
I have been listening to Dr Carter on Youtube and it is helping me understand it all more clearly
You have done the hard part and deserve to be happy
Lots of love x

[Author]

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