Having an awful few weeks

[songbird1]

I’m having an awful day, following a really rubbish, intense few weeks of aggressive explosions and behaviour. I have a young child to care for and my partner just shuts down amd leaves all responsibility to me, all the housework and on top of that I’m trying to regulate my own emotions to be able to show up for my child and honestly I’m exhausted, fed up and stuck. If I had another home to go to where me and my child would be away from this I’d go in am instant. I could ask my family and they’d get me in an instant but I feel ashamed and embarrassed that this keeps happening after telling them I’m wanting to work things out. I’m tired. I just want some kind words and encouragement to keep going.

[Sad and alone]

If you have family that you can talk to please talk to them. It sounds as if they already know things aren’t quite right? You can carry on the way things are but it’s going to drain you and make things a bigger struggle. Could you arrange to stay with someone just for a few days maybe to clear your head and get some breathing space?

[songbird1]

I really should as I’m at breaking point, I just am very aware that my son is being upheaved every time I have to get away and whilst it’s better than staying here and witnessing his dad’s abusive and manipulative behaviour, I just feel like we can’t stay at families forever and will have to come back to the same, if not worse version of him. Never mind all the housework I feel like just leaving un finished, it will still be here and it will be me that has to break myself getting it done. Honestly feel like I’m going through a mental breakdown currently as I’m usually so good at masking and just getting it done for my sons sake, and taking him out so we can be out of the house. But (timeframe removed by Moderator) I am giving up, I asked (timeframe removed by Moderator) if he can take him out (timeframe removed by Moderator) so I could get some much needed sleep (I’m also fasting during ramadan and getting up early to eat and pray, staying up late etc) so I am exhausted. He said he would and yet (removed by Moderator). It’s exhausting because I work so hard making activities, going out etc to avoid screen time all the time and when I ask him for a little bit of help, it’s his first thing to do. I feel like screaming (removed by Moderator) with how despaired I’m feeling and I can’t even feel these feelings because I have to keep it together and be a good mum. I just want a bit of help.

 

Sorry for rambling I just have no-one to talk to and I’m tired of this. I’m sick of trying, I’m sick of existing in this miserable life that I have.

[Happybelle]

Please do it and take their help. It is exhausting and sometimes you can’t think straight for yourself because of it. The tiredness and thinking about the situation just makes it feel impossible but once you’re out of there it won’t take long to start getting back to being you again.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I agree, take your family’s help if it is on offer.

if you are not ready to leave yet, use the time by writing down, every day, a diary of how you feel and what is happening.
I understand your feelings of shame. It is really amazing that you recognize and name your feelings. I think shame kept me trapped for many many years but it wasn’t until later that I recognized that that was what I was feeling and how powerful that emotion was in keeping me stuck.
Maybe it does help for others to tell you that nothing will change. No matter what you try to do nothing will change, (it may just get worse.)

One day you will have to overcome your  feelings of shame and reach out for help. You can do it this year, or in 20 years time.

[Author]

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