Having another bad day…

[Peacethroughhealing]

(detail removed by moderator) I met up with my ‘partner’. We haven’t seen each other for over a week which I know doesn’t seem like long but we used to spend most of our time together. These days I get more peace on my own and a better sleep. I still miss him though despite everything and the weekends are the most difficult for me. I work during the week so I have that distraction and then I do other things after work. I met up with him to say let’s start a clean slate from tonight and move forward, he is getting help for his anger although I know this is not enough and he needs specialist help but at least it’s a start in the right direction. He is a recovering alcoholic and is now a number of months sober. Anyway, he couldn’t move forward evidently and has so much anger towards me. We went for food and he told me I was a nasty piece of work sometimes and that I’d hurt him and his family. I hate him for saying that. He told me everything that was wrong with me and that yes what he did once was horrific to me but that he hasn’t done anything since and that is such a lie. His temper has been there since the horrific incident – which was holding me in a car for 6 hours driving home from (detail removed by moderator). Me screaming at him to take me home and he controlled and manipulated the situation. I actually feel that I hate him but I love him too. He was so horrible to me in the restaurant and I’m sure the waitresses were aware of it but then he covers his tracks by sending these lovely texts to me that can be used as evidence. He announced that he would be going away abroad with work twice but he wasn’t well enough in his sobriety to go away to (detail removed by moderator) for my birthday when we had had it planned but football and his work no problem he can fly abroad. He’s making a fool of me but yet I hang on.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, sometimes it is really hard to let go, but when his behaviour each time you meet is still the same it will only affirm that you are doing the right thing. If you can remember what he said to you change all the bits where he blamed you and replace them with me and I, it’s really his confession. Were the waitresses close enough to hear what he was saying and the tone of his voice, they could be potential witnesses! If you can’t not see him, always make sure it’s in a public place so there are witnesses around to hear him, visuslly read your body language. It really is best to go no contact, you’ll get there, please don’t feel bad about meeting up with him. Remember how it’s made you feel though, that might help you not to see him in the future, ignore his texts, put them in a folder out the way if you know how to, I don’t, they may change from showy ones to ones that are more in keeping with who he really is.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[freedomtochoose]

a few months sober is really not a lot. I’m sure most people in the field would agree…

I made the mistake of going out with a recovering alcoholic (who is I believe abusive, after my ex..)

I think in some ways I wanted to test out having a relationship.

Said person became very angry, when I wanted to change the relationship…

Most notably went on at me for ‘blaming him’ for his many, many relapses…

In reality, I hardly ever mentioned them, but refused to pretend they had never happened, or that they had no impact on me. It was this, which he objected to.

Walked past him the other day on the street somewhere, we were going the same way by chance and (detail removed by moderator), he refused to approach me normally, as if it were all my fault, all the things that had happened.

To me, that said it all. I just left it with a ‘that’s a little bit childish…’ and carried on what I was doing.

It is hard saying goodbye especially when you haven’t got much to fill the space with, but believe me you are well out of it.

ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

by ‘changing the relationship’ I meant take it at my own pace, i.e. after he had relapsed I had difficulties in being intimate with him and wanted to take things slowly,

he blamed me for it, clearly.

Not ok.

ftc
x

[diymum@1]

i can remember making the mistake of being friends with my ex when we first split – at this point i was single and he was pretending to be (he had someone on the go the whole time!)he had met her and that was the initial reason he left – but expected to stay with me in my house though!!

i used to meet him to help him find a house (as he said i had ‘put him out’)he was sleeping in the car and at my front door although he had his mums to go to! – on one occasion we went to a potential new house (for him) to see it and it was a real dump – he was so angry with me! so he twisted my arm around in the car, just about braking my arm. he locked me in the car and drove off at speed. after that incident i never went back out with him – sounds similar dosent it but that happened to me quite a number of years ago. its a bad idea to meet up with an abusive ex because they simply dont change, infact in my experience because there were even less ties he got worse xx no contact is the only way forward unfortunately unlike in a non abusive relationship xx love diymum

when i read this back i think what was i doing?? and what a nerve these men have really xx its not worth the agony xx

[she-ra]

Oh my lovely, it’s so hard to let go isn’t it, it always sounds so simple, just leave and have no contact. But it is never that easy. I agree with the ladies, chalk it up to experience and him showing you yet again he can never be who you need him to be and start a fresh with no contact again. The longer you’re no contact the stronger you get. I find for me seeing them/hearing from them makes me weaker and I go back through the what ifs. It might sounds crazy but sometimes I have to do this! I would wrap it up like a parcel in my mind, send it out my ear and float it away. Not to think about it again and try to focus on you and doing what’s best for you. Thinking of you xxxx

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks for sharing everyone. And yes, would say difficult – especially when I think in my life earlier I have had the most lovely friendship with someone I used to go out with, and it was probably that which meant that I really wished it were possible with the person I’m speaking about – but no, I now see it isn’t and wasn’t.

So that walking past me at the gate thing, if I reframe it, it is very fortunate…

ftc
x

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you for posting. I find it so helpful to be on here with people sharing their stories. I could write a book on here with everything that’s happened but I try to just put down what I can when it comes into my head. My ‘partner’ for months during his recovery was so supportive to me. I suppose you can look at it as controlling maybe but I actually liked it. He made my lunch every day, coffee in the morning, drove me to work, we would do things together at night that we both enjoyed and our sex life was the best I’ve ever had which is a sad thing in itself because of how things are turning out. I can see the manipulation and control more so since I moved into a house earlier this year and then he started to change and almost killed us and since that incident in the car were he threatened to drive it into the central reservation and take me with him things have got worse and it’s like well I’ve seen him at his worse now so there is no point in hiding it. He said we had to see a counselor and that both of us were involved in criminal activity! He is referring to the car incident where that was a criminal offence and my only offence was to text and call him and his mum numerous times the following weekend because he just completely blanked me and withdrew and I was left so sad, confused, devastated and broken over what he had done. He is over a year sober now, I didn’t want to say that in case it was removed but it is not just a few months. That is still not long though granted. I do think the waitresses saw it (detail removed by moderator), I mean the way I was and how his body language was and I actually thought about going in to see if they remember us. What scares me sometimes is that he finds it difficult to hid his anger towards me in public and that is frightening because what would he be like if I was left alone with him. He does it in a quiet way though so it’s not that noticeable. The sad sad thing is that I was with a beautiful man for (detail removed by moderator) years and I wasn’t happy maybe because he was too nice…I miss him a lot because he was just a decent person and I threw it away and for what. There are so many bad people out there. I hadn’t come across this before as my father and ex partner aren’t like that at all or anyone else that I have come into contact with fortunately. A stipulation of us staying together is that he wants to be at my house but he hasn’t been for weeks because I don’t want him here in case he hurts me or destroys me so how can this relationship go forward.

[diymum@1]

i think you could be putting yourself in danger if you were to meet him again and he managed to be alone with you. please get some support so that you can keep your distance from him. i know this is really tough for you but it does sound like you have a very strong trauma bond xx i hope you can break free, be safe xx love diymum xx

[Fudgecake]

I agree with diymum@1. It does sound like a very strong trauma bond. Try and keep away, I don’t think he is safe for you to be around. I think when you get the urge to see him you should contact WA for support or possibly the Samaritans if there is no family/friend you can confide in. I too hope you can break away. Stay safe x

[freedomtochoose]

I would say the same. It is really hard to recognise trauma bonding.
I stopped having sex with the person in question as I felt quite strongly that
it was all bound up in a trauma bond and not ‘normal’ to use a word.

Sometimes the thing we need to do is mechanically stay away.

ftc
x

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you. I know more and more inside me that I need to walk away. I just haven’t made that move yet. I have been processing it all in my head to try and understand and I am so much more aware of what his actions are and what he’s doing. He can’t control his own life so he is trying to control me. He pleaded with me to go to (detail removed by Moderator) and said all the right things. I didn’t commit because I was still trying to get over the car incident (detail removed by Moderator). I didn’t go to the (detail removed by Moderator) or (detail removed by Moderator) and boy am I getting it in the neck for that. So I said to him I would go to (detail removed by Moderator) and now he’s pulled it away from me and sent me an email (detail removed by Moderator) to say he’d talked to his (detail removed by Moderator) about it and they feel that it is too much for me to go and that there would be plenty of other times to build bridges with his family! I have nothing to build bridges with them about other than my partners behaviour and how they ‘normalise’ it. Anyway, he has been messing me about saying he actually does still want me to go but it might be too late now (detail removed by Moderator). I have asked him to confirm if I am definitely not going then and in a totally controlling way he is holding off on telling me if I am going. I have had my hair done now and have bought a dress after I said I would go. I just want to say to him just forget it and I’ll make my own plan now but I can’t. I have to play the game but at least I know it’s a game. For all I know he has someone else waiting in the wings as he’s out at the moment and I just don’t trust him anymore with what he says. I know what he is saying about me is about himself really and one of the things he said was that he was sick of all of my lies…what lies – his lies then. How can you be with someone you don’t trust.

[she-ra]

I agree with you lovely, take the control and say you’re not going. Don’t play his games anymore, you can see he’s projecting onto you about all of his stuff. Really feel for you big hugs x*x

[diymum@1]

can you organise a GP appointment? maybe get some therapy depending on your circumstances, private therapy would be a good option. i hope i dont sound condescending here but when your trauma bonded at this point you need to pull out all the stops to keep you away. ive been there too and i wish i had reached out for proper help. i didnt and i was just all over the place, i didnt know where to turn and i was soo vulnerable. look out for you now – look to the future – your going to be fine and if you want a life long partner this is the opportunity to make yourself whole again, you will inevitably find someone who is truely worthy of you xx your worth that – please believe in yourself you can do this xx much love and a virtual hug diymum xxxx

[Peacethroughhealing]

I was right. Message to say that I am only invited to the (detail removed by Moderator) . God he’s made such a fool of me.

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